May 8th, 2017.
It was a dull, dour, grey and cold winter day (in mid-spring) in London for the first premiere for a movie about a body part I can remember covering. And rather than the glitz and glamour and excessively noisy street-buskers of Leicester Square, this one was at the more subdued and refined BFI Southbank, for the boxing movie 'Jawbone'.
Here's how it went down:
Premiere. T-Minus 2.5hrs. It's not exactly a Disney-sized premiere... by which I mean this is an actual premiere, with actual public access and no snipers on rooftops making sure non-blogging, non-ticketholding, non-publicity-generating losers can't get within miles of the event or its stars.
Premiere. T-Minus 1.5hrs. They have a carpet, and they have fans (?), and they have an assemblage of photographers. (I, meanwhile have a perch on a bridge and an appointment with a bottle of pre-premiere cider. Because that's how seriously I'm taking this. Also the cider was delicious)
"Is it wrong that I don't know who any of these people are? I mostly photograph swimsuit models while most of these people are male and bald or balding" - Hey, I'M male and bald or balding.
"Writer AND Actor but NOT Director. Let's see anyone but Quentin Tarantino get even close to THAT!" - Johnny Harris is, indeed both the writer of the film and plays a role in it. (I, of course, write, direct and edit these premiere journals, while Michael Fassbender plays me in real life)
Random (?) attendee : actor Nick Frost. Also, random presence on random attendee : a red beard on actor Nick Frost.
"Don't touch me there. I'm long retired from professional boxing, but the body remembers how to defend itself automatically and I can't be held responsible for that if it happens." - Barry McGuigan was a former WBA Featherweight champion.
"A Tango? Here? Now? Well.. they did go to the trouble of laying a carpet..."
"Yes, I was in Rogue One A Star Wars Story. Which means that the cowards at Redbubble.com will remove any picture you post of me - even taken at this premiere - because Disney owns my likeness in association with everything I do, anywhere, in anything, forever".
Sorry, but it's still a sore point. Also, screw you Redbubble.
Actor Ray Winstone arrives, accompanied by a wife so age-inappropriate it turns out to be his daughter, Ellie Rae Winstone. (I last photographed him at the premiere of 'The Gunman' a few years ago now)
"And those gills at the back of your suit jacket : do they help you breathe, or move through the air any faster??" - despite my presence at numerous London Fashion Weeks since 2010, I've come to the conclusion that I still don't really understand fashion.
"I was going to frown, but my name IS Smiley". And I'm not even slightly drunk when typing that. I last photographed Michael Smiley at the premiere of Free Fire at London Film Festival 2016.
"This man to my left, at this premiere, at this venue, in this temperature, with this windchill factor, needs a hat. But I hasten to add that he's not having mine. I'm using mine to keep my head warm and to look fabulous".
Ray Winstone : "You could give him your beanie, young man?".
Me : "But... but... I'm using it keep my head warm and to look fabulous!" (it has a white vertical stripe on dark blue)
"A sombrero, Ray. That's what I really want"
"It's like I don't even know you anymore, bro".
"But enough about that man and his hatlessness. You'll notice mine's awesome and that my tie has a tie-pin"
"I have nothing against the fur coat or the colour you're wearing, but it's distracting people from my hat, my tie and my tie-pin... and that's clearly unacceptable"
"I'm going to stand here until you admit you have no idea what colour I'm wearing underneath the coat"
"Wait. None of y'all are going to be stealing my soul using your cameras? Because last time that happened it took ages for me to get it back..."
"I saw somebody do this in a movie once. Though offhand I can no longer remember if it was from a martial arts film or a musical....."
"I'm not being creepy, Michael. I just really, really, REALLY like your silk cravat. And I'll really, really, REALLY do anything to get it"
Meanwhile, if you think I'm captivated by that man's scarf, you clearly haven't (yet) seen the amazing, nay unbelievable man-bun on the head of the man on the left. And with that, this premiere has just entered the next phase of its compelling strangeness.
OMG and then an ice-cream van showed up at a premiere, and ordinarily I'd just make that up but here's a photo.
Meanwhile, here's Man With Amazing Hair/Man-Bun Man (subsequently identified as Luke J.I. Smith) and Woman Whose Hat Looks Like A Sinking Boat (identification pending).
And then Paul Weller from 'The Jam' (1976-82), 'The Style Council' (1983-89) and 'That Jacket With Those Trousers' (2017) showed up.
"I'll shake hands, but not with eye-contact. Obviously you understand why...." (Appropriately, Paul Weller gets the film's "Music By" credit)
"I'm just going to stand here, getting a cheap tan from the flashguns of your camera gear.... unless you're not using incandescent bulbs or phosphorus powder anymore?"
"Fine, go ahead and make yourself look cooler while diminishing my coolness by posting us together on twitter".
So... that was actually rather enjoyable. I also enjoyed last week's "Alien Covenant" World Premiere, but this was fun and less stressful. Apparently there's another two premieres this week (and the TV Baftas on Sunday), so I'd better go home, get some sleep, and charge those metaphorical (and literal) batteries, and update my Archive of Movie Premieres.
Until next time!
ps. if you ever want to know when I post one of these journals, and/or insult people who do (or don't) wear hats, feel free to follow me on facebook at 'premieresdotco' or on twitter at @berndt2_photo.