28 Nov 2016 - The 'I Am Bolt' World Premiere

November 28th, 2016.

As a species, we've evolved to the point where I can own a 1996 Nissan Pulsar Sedan (red) that can propel me at speeds no gazelle can easily escape from. Unaccountably, then, we still bestow awards and honours at people whose absolute maximum speed is much slower and typically is only achieved running in mostly a straight line on flat ground in a place where gazelles aren't.

The world doesn't make sense, when you think about it.

Still here's how the premiere of 'I Am Bolt' went down:

My dedication and arrival time provided me with a wristband numbered 32, and a front row in a pen representing my third preference. I suppose if I'd made different choices in my life, I might have won enough gold medals to have my own documentary at which I could have had the pen of my choice.

My dedication and arrival time provided me with a wristband numbered 32, and a front row in a pen representing my third preference. I suppose if I'd made different choices in my life, I might have won enough gold medals to have my own documentary at which I could have had the pen of my choice.

"I'm going to be honest, there's only one person on this four-page list that I want to be interviewing. And it's not one of the bandmembers of The Vamps"

"I'm going to be honest, there's only one person on this four-page list that I want to be interviewing. And it's not one of the bandmembers of The Vamps"

"Are you retweeting my tweet or am I retweeting yours?" "Does it involve cats?" "Obviously"

"Are you retweeting my tweet or am I retweeting yours?"
"Does it involve cats?"
"Obviously"

The eyes seem to follow you everywhere you go. Which would be less of a problem if there weren't posters completely encircling this premiere, making you confront the awful reality that you're unlikely to win 9 Olympic gold medals in our lifetime, even if we take up some of the more obscure ones like curling and steeplechase. Or are already Michael Phelps.

The eyes seem to follow you everywhere you go. Which would be less of a problem if there weren't posters completely encircling this premiere, making you confront the awful reality that you're unlikely to win 9 Olympic gold medals in our lifetime, even if we take up some of the more obscure ones like curling and steeplechase. Or are already Michael Phelps.

Jamaican Dancers (nationality not confirmed) at six degrees celsius.

Jamaican Dancers (nationality not confirmed) at six degrees celsius.

For point of reference, I am currently wearing a t-shirt, thermal jumper, and a jacket with an inserted additional inner lining. I'd offer the lady the use of my thinsulate beanie, but it would clash with her ensemble and she'd be forced to declne.

For point of reference, I am currently wearing a t-shirt, thermal jumper, and a jacket with an inserted additional inner lining. I'd offer the lady the use of my thinsulate beanie, but it would clash with her ensemble and she'd be forced to declne.

"I'm not moving until you've composed this shot properly" - I even reversed it so that the reflection of the burger franchise worked.

"I'm not moving until you've composed this shot properly" - I even reversed it so that the reflection of the burger franchise worked.

Usain Bolt's Manager and best friend from childhood is every bit as relaxed and cheeful as anybody who is Usain Bolt's manager and best friend from childhood would be.

Usain Bolt's Manager and best friend from childhood is every bit as relaxed and cheeful as anybody who is Usain Bolt's manager and best friend from childhood would be.

Fine. My Nissan Pulsar sedan can only *probably* accelerate faster than Usain Bolt over 200m.

Fine. My Nissan Pulsar sedan can only *probably* accelerate faster than Usain Bolt over 200m.

This movie has dual directors - brothers Benjamin and Gabe Turner - who also directed the documentary 'The Class of 92' about Manchester United's ... uh... Class of 92.

This movie has dual directors - brothers Benjamin and Gabe Turner - who also directed the documentary 'The Class of 92' about Manchester United's ... uh... Class of 92.

"There are four days every year where London's temperature in any way resembles Jamaica's. And none of them occur between October and March" Usain Bolt's mum and dad - Wellesley and Jennifer Bolt attended the premiere.

"There are four days every year where London's temperature in any way resembles Jamaica's. And none of them occur between October and March" Usain Bolt's mum and dad - Wellesley and Jennifer Bolt attended the premiere.

Jennifer Bolt
"I'm more than twenty years older now, but don't you dare say anything against my shirt" Team GB's Linford Christie won the 100m sprint Gold medal at the 1992 Barcelona Olympcs.

"I'm more than twenty years older now, but don't you dare say anything against my shirt" Team GB's Linford Christie won the 100m sprint Gold medal at the 1992 Barcelona Olympcs.

Germany's former Tennis #1 Boris Becker said in an interview that nowadays anyone who wins anything is called a 'legend' and an 'icon' to the point where the words are totally devalued and undeserved. He clarified that Usain Bolt's achievements in athletics definitely qualified him for both titles, but didn't opine as to whether my 100% attendance record in my last year of High School entitled me to one or both of those accolades.

Germany's former Tennis #1 Boris Becker said in an interview that nowadays anyone who wins anything is called a 'legend' and an 'icon' to the point where the words are totally devalued and undeserved. He clarified that Usain Bolt's achievements in athletics definitely qualified him for both titles, but didn't opine as to whether my 100% attendance record in my last year of High School entitled me to one or both of those accolades.

"Take a photo of us all taking selfies : it's so meta it'll break the internet" - I think most telco networks are built to avoid precisely this kind of infinite logic loop.

"Take a photo of us all taking selfies : it's so meta it'll break the internet" - I think most telco networks are built to avoid precisely this kind of infinite logic loop.

"What's it like being Usain Bolt? Well... I'm tall...."

"What's it like being Usain Bolt? Well... I'm tall...."

"So... do you ever wake up at night and wonder 'Could I have run even faster?' ?" "Not until tonight, I think..."

"So... do you ever wake up at night and wonder 'Could I have run even faster?' ?"
"Not until tonight, I think..."

"We've got to stop her asking questions like that. It'll detract from the documentary..."

"We've got to stop her asking questions like that. It'll detract from the documentary..."

"I love you, man. Also, I'm not currently reaching for the wallet in your jacket's breast pocket..."

"I love you, man. Also, I'm not currently reaching for the wallet in your jacket's breast pocket..."

I was able to shift location slightly to get a rear/side view of the interview stage. My preferred pen, diagonally opposite was only open for people who arrived late, didn't queue and timed their entry perfectly to get the view, autographs, and a free wristband to see the film.

I was able to shift location slightly to get a rear/side view of the interview stage. My preferred pen, diagonally opposite was only open for people who arrived late, didn't queue and timed their entry perfectly to get the view, autographs, and a free wristband to see the film.

"Which of my nine gold medals is my favourite? Well... they're all kind of special, and they all weight much the same..."

"Which of my nine gold medals is my favourite? Well... they're all kind of special, and they all weight much the same..."

"And give it up for that man over there : if he'd truly cared about views on his website he'd have started a website of cat videos almost a decade ago and sat back and waited for the money and fame to roll in..."

"And give it up for that man over there : if he'd truly cared about views on his website he'd have started a website of cat videos almost a decade ago and sat back and waited for the money and fame to roll in..."

"I'm happy to sign and pose for everybody.... mostly because I'm guessing they won't start the screening without me" - and indeed he did because indeed they wouldn't.

"I'm happy to sign and pose for everybody.... mostly because I'm guessing they won't start the screening without me" - and indeed he did because indeed they wouldn't.

"Well... time to warm up that hand and try to remember how to do my autograph"

"Well... time to warm up that hand and try to remember how to do my autograph"

If you knew how cold it is right now and how far along into balding territory I am at my age, you'd know I am entirely incapable of making fun of this hairstyle right now.

If you knew how cold it is right now and how far along into balding territory I am at my age, you'd know I am entirely incapable of making fun of this hairstyle right now.

Team GB's Mo Farah won both the 5000m and 10000m Gold medals at the London 2012 and Rio 2016 Olympics. Also the tie looks great, the suit looks slick and he's wearing baldness better than I am. In other words, I should hate him immensely, but oddly I don't at all.

Team GB's Mo Farah won both the 5000m and 10000m Gold medals at the London 2012 and Rio 2016 Olympics. Also the tie looks great, the suit looks slick and he's wearing baldness better than I am. In other words, I should hate him immensely, but oddly I don't at all.

Hannah Cockroft won 2 Paralympic gold medals in London in 2012, and then followed this up wtih three more gold medals in Rio this year. I am typically much less successful at activities requiring me to sit down. Or stand up. Or walk if I'm honest.

Hannah Cockroft won 2 Paralympic gold medals in London in 2012, and then followed this up wtih three more gold medals in Rio this year. I am typically much less successful at activities requiring me to sit down. Or stand up. Or walk if I'm honest.

"Wanna watch this video? I don't want to spoil anything, but it'll only take 9.58 seconds of your time..."

"Wanna watch this video? I don't want to spoil anything, but it'll only take 9.58 seconds of your time..."

"And you're sure I'm not endorsing any product, service or political stance by signing this?"

"And you're sure I'm not endorsing any product, service or political stance by signing this?"

So... that was that. Another premiere, another cold night, and another entry into the Archive of Movie Premieres. There are still one or two events this year before I call time on 2016 and take serious stock to determine whether this website needs a revamp with added kittens and the like. But for now it's...

Until next time!

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