13 Oct - The BFI LFF 'Downsizing' Gala / Premiere

Friday 13th October, 2017.

Well... this "premiere" (or 'patrons' gala') was so secretive that even though the time and place were known, it was the only BFI London Film Festival premiere for which NO claims as to attendees were made on the official site. And such a mystery, I felt, had to be investigated. Worst case : I go home early and get some sleep.... which is no bad thing.

Here's how it went down:

Why, yes. It is October, and therefore Autumn.

Why, yes. It is October, and therefore Autumn.

"They want us to make the red carpet area even smaller. Because... well you've seen the title". - this movie's cast includes the likes of Matt Damon, Kristen Wiig and Christoph Waltz and is directed by 2-Oscar winning screenwriter Alexander Payne, but as at this stage all that can be confirmed is that there is a red carpet, and presumably people will be walking on it.

"They want us to make the red carpet area even smaller. Because... well you've seen the title". - this movie's cast includes the likes of Matt Damon, Kristen Wiig and Christoph Waltz and is directed by 2-Oscar winning screenwriter Alexander Payne, but as at this stage all that can be confirmed is that there is a red carpet, and presumably people will be walking on it.

"Whatever else, just remember not to tell people that Leonardo DiCaprio isn't coming" "But he isn’t coming. He's not even in this movie" "Are you even LISTENING to a word I say??"

"Whatever else, just remember not to tell people that Leonardo DiCaprio isn't coming"
"But he isn’t coming. He's not even in this movie"
"Are you even LISTENING to a word I say??"

Oh, to have.... well... I mean my Nikon 80-200mm f2.8 doesn't even have a lens hood, let alone a kudos-inspiring sticker to put upon it.

Oh, to have.... well... I mean my Nikon 80-200mm f2.8 doesn't even have a lens hood, let alone a kudos-inspiring sticker to put upon it.

While I have photographed a premiere with a glass of cider literally beside me on a table (that was at "We're the Millers" back in 2013), I can't say I've ever stood at a barrier holding a pint of beer. Or cider.

While I have photographed a premiere with a glass of cider literally beside me on a table (that was at "We're the Millers" back in 2013), I can't say I've ever stood at a barrier holding a pint of beer. Or cider.

The instructions next to Hong Chau's picture on The List appear to be to "HUG" her "P.A." Which is an intriguing notion....

The instructions next to Hong Chau's picture on The List appear to be to "HUG" her "P.A." Which is an intriguing notion....

Alexander Payne has won two Academy Awards for best Adapted Screenplay for movies he also directed. ("The Descendants" which had its own BFI LFF premiere, and "Sideways")

Alexander Payne has won two Academy Awards for best Adapted Screenplay for movies he also directed. ("The Descendants" which had its own BFI LFF premiere, and "Sideways")

"He followed me here. Can I keep him?" I... don't think this is Hong Chau's P.A.

"He followed me here. Can I keep him?" I... don't think this is Hong Chau's P.A.

"Any one of you call me "Christopher", I'm stopping signing" - Christoph Waltz is a dual-Oscar Winner (best supporting actor for "Inglourious Basterds" and "Django Unchained") and the reason why I have a Kevin Bacon score of 3.

"Any one of you call me "Christopher", I'm stopping signing" - Christoph Waltz is a dual-Oscar Winner (best supporting actor for "Inglourious Basterds" and "Django Unchained") and the reason why I have a Kevin Bacon score of 3.

This is Hong Chau. I can not see her P.A., but I'm relieved it's not the giant balding security guard who hovered over her when she got out of the car.

This is Hong Chau. I can not see her P.A., but I'm relieved it's not the giant balding security guard who hovered over her when she got out of the car.

"My P.A.? Well... everyone feels better when they get a meaningful hug, even from a stranger. You should probably ask her first though" Hong Chau has an imdb credits listing that intriguingly includes both an American Dad voice cast credit, and an episode of 'How I Met Your Mother'.

"My P.A.? Well... everyone feels better when they get a meaningful hug, even from a stranger. You should probably ask her first though" Hong Chau has an imdb credits listing that intriguingly includes both an American Dad voice cast credit, and an episode of 'How I Met Your Mother'.

Along with Oscars, Christoph Waltz has played villains in movies as diverse as 'The Green Hornet', 'The Legend of Tarzan', the James Bond film 'Spectre', and the Tim Burton film 'Big Eyes'. If any of those are spoilers... I'm sorry. Watch Spectre anyway, though. It's pretty cool.

Along with Oscars, Christoph Waltz has played villains in movies as diverse as 'The Green Hornet', 'The Legend of Tarzan', the James Bond film 'Spectre', and the Tim Burton film 'Big Eyes'. If any of those are spoilers... I'm sorry. Watch Spectre anyway, though. It's pretty cool.

I don't care what anyone says... that's Hong Chau's PA in the background. Sure, I might have to be discreet and ostensibly focus on the two-time Oscar winning director in the foreground for now....

I don't care what anyone says... that's Hong Chau's PA in the background. Sure, I might have to be discreet and ostensibly focus on the two-time Oscar winning director in the foreground for now....

"I see that you're slowly focussing away from me and onto the possible-PA behind me. I endorse this"

"I see that you're slowly focussing away from me and onto the possible-PA behind me. I endorse this"

"Check it out. He's almost done it, too"

"Check it out. He's almost done it, too"

"If I stay down here, he might not recognise me by my height and won't ask for the five dollars I loaned him..."

"If I stay down here, he might not recognise me by my height and won't ask for the five dollars I loaned him..."

"Of course, in order to play an effective villain you have to have charm and style. Good guys usually win against the odds.... bad guys generally don't get lucky" - Bad Guy Theory 101.

"Of course, in order to play an effective villain you have to have charm and style. Good guys usually win against the odds.... bad guys generally don't get lucky" - Bad Guy Theory 101.

"And yet Jared Leto got the role. How did this happen?"

"And yet Jared Leto got the role. How did this happen?"

"Anyway, glad to have answered your questions about what it was like working with people who are within earshot of me when I have to answer...."

"Anyway, glad to have answered your questions about what it was like working with people who are within earshot of me when I have to answer...."

Power-couple (?) Jonathan Ross and Jane Goldman - I last photographed her at the World Premiere of Kingsman : The Golden Circle (she wrote the screenplay)

Power-couple (?) Jonathan Ross and Jane Goldman - I last photographed her at the World Premiere of Kingsman : The Golden Circle (she wrote the screenplay)

"The Swingles" are a musical group (?) attached to this movie. I remain dubious, but will take photographs. Just in case, you understand.

"The Swingles" are a musical group (?) attached to this movie. I remain dubious, but will take photographs. Just in case, you understand.

"Yeah, we're the Swingles. What do you want to know? No, we're not hiring anyone right now"

"Yeah, we're the Swingles. What do you want to know? No, we're not hiring anyone right now"

"Matt Damon rejected our offer to have him as lead singer... he does a mean Rap Solo"

"Matt Damon rejected our offer to have him as lead singer... he does a mean Rap Solo"

"She left, bro. What are you still doing here?" What indeed, two time Oscar Winner Alexander Payne.

"She left, bro. What are you still doing here?" What indeed, two time Oscar Winner Alexander Payne.

So... that was a premiere. And upon suspicion, I elected to return to the office, do some editing, and RE-return to Leicester Square for a premiere scheduled to start about three hours later.

That's the kind of rocknroll life I lead, baby.

Until Next time (in the hope that Squarespace won't once again nuke me out of its site spontaneously and without warning, leaving me in the middle of a journal I can't save because I'm apparently logged out.....)

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