18 Jun - The 'Transformers : The Last Knight' Global Premiere

June 18th, 2017.

Today is the 9th anniversary of my first London premiere - that of "Hancock" back in 2008, attended by Charlize Theron and Will Smith. For good or ill, that premiere led me down a weird path whereby I kept doing the premieres for almost a decade. As for the movie? Well... it sucked.

.... speaking of which:

Wristbands for the premiere were handed out the day before the event, as advertised in the Friday Metro, and as administered by event security, whose grasp of time (they were handed out 45mins late) and organisation (only 2 of the 5 colours were available 45mins later) was about standard for events these days. Still... they had some Transformers on display.

Wristbands for the premiere were handed out the day before the event, as advertised in the Friday Metro, and as administered by event security, whose grasp of time (they were handed out 45mins late) and organisation (only 2 of the 5 colours were available 45mins later) was about standard for events these days. Still... they had some Transformers on display.

One day later, and I'm back, and the premiere site is basically the entirety of the inside of Leicester Square. (Though the view from outside it is fairly decent too.)

One day later, and I'm back, and the premiere site is basically the entirety of the inside of Leicester Square. (Though the view from outside it is fairly decent too.)

"Make some noise if you love Transformers! Now make some noise if you're an engineer and you're excited only by the electrical kind!!". My spot faces more or less directly onto the stage, which is good, but most of the rest of the venue is more or less obscured behind me, which is less good.

"Make some noise if you love Transformers! Now make some noise if you're an engineer and you're excited only by the electrical kind!!". My spot faces more or less directly onto the stage, which is good, but most of the rest of the venue is more or less obscured behind me, which is less good.

Transformers : The Last Knight : demographic = confirmed.

Transformers : The Last Knight : demographic = confirmed.

"If those boom mikes transform into something awesome, I want to be the one to capture it"

"If those boom mikes transform into something awesome, I want to be the one to capture it"

The all-important List Of Attendees reveals a surprising (and awesome) surprise : composer Steve Jablonsky is attending!! (I have EIGHT of his soundtracks in my collection) (Distressingly, I was unable to photograph him and he was not interviewed on the main stage, which is disgraceful!)

The all-important List Of Attendees reveals a surprising (and awesome) surprise : composer Steve Jablonsky is attending!! (I have EIGHT of his soundtracks in my collection) (Distressingly, I was unable to photograph him and he was not interviewed on the main stage, which is disgraceful!)

Good news : your friend and mine Hakeem Mr Impact and his young offsider DJ Excavator were at this premiere.

Good news : your friend and mine Hakeem Mr Impact and his young offsider DJ Excavator were at this premiere.

"How far back does this dress go? All the way" - I don't know who this is, but the temperature is in the high-20s (Celsius) and I would not voluntarily be wearing this much weight or coverage of fabric.

"How far back does this dress go? All the way" - I don't know who this is, but the temperature is in the high-20s (Celsius) and I would not voluntarily be wearing this much weight or coverage of fabric.

"It's not a transformer. I did see it twitch a short while ago, though". Our first arrival is Isabela Moner. And I've already left my spot to go roaming because quite frankly the premiere has been going for almost half an hour right now and nobody has come to our side of the circular pen yet.

"It's not a transformer. I did see it twitch a short while ago, though". Our first arrival is Isabela Moner. And I've already left my spot to go roaming because quite frankly the premiere has been going for almost half an hour right now and nobody has come to our side of the circular pen yet.

"Ratio of humans to pixels in this film? It's a very small number". This film's director, Michael Bay has arrived, and surprisingly he's not apologising for having made yet another one of these movies.

"Ratio of humans to pixels in this film? It's a very small number". This film's director, Michael Bay has arrived, and surprisingly he's not apologising for having made yet another one of these movies.

"The secret to understanding the logic of this movie's plot is hidden on this tissue paper. And no you can't have it". He's kidding. I've watched the film, and the ancient Library of Alexandria (or all the world's collected cat photos) didn't contain enough space to explain this movie's plot.

"The secret to understanding the logic of this movie's plot is hidden on this tissue paper. And no you can't have it". He's kidding. I've watched the film, and the ancient Library of Alexandria (or all the world's collected cat photos) didn't contain enough space to explain this movie's plot.

"You say you could write my scrips on a table napkin? I disagree. The directions for the explosions run to 200 pages alone". Those explosions exceed the complexity of most of the characters.

"You say you could write my scrips on a table napkin? I disagree. The directions for the explosions run to 200 pages alone". Those explosions exceed the complexity of most of the characters.

"He's produced 5 Transformers films, as well as 2 GI Joe films, so if you're looking for somebody to blame.... here's producer Lorenzi Di Bonaventura!!"

"He's produced 5 Transformers films, as well as 2 GI Joe films, so if you're looking for somebody to blame.... here's producer Lorenzi Di Bonaventura!!"

"Well... you never really *write* a Transformers script - you kind of back it into a corner and beat it into submission for over the course of a year." - for this movie, those three brave men are (in no particular order) Art Marcum, Matt Holloway and Ken Nolan. Their random number generator and yahzee (travel edition) were sadly unable to attend.

"Well... you never really *write* a Transformers script - you kind of back it into a corner and beat it into submission for over the course of a year." - for this movie, those three brave men are (in no particular order) Art Marcum, Matt Holloway and Ken Nolan. Their random number generator and yahzee (travel edition) were sadly unable to attend.

Jim Carter isn't merely a charming 1980s gymnastic/martial arts movie anymore - it's a person who it turns out has been in over 50 episodes of Downton Abbey, along with such movies as Shakepeare in Love and Alice in Wonderland.

Jim Carter isn't merely a charming 1980s gymnastic/martial arts movie anymore - it's a person who it turns out has been in over 50 episodes of Downton Abbey, along with such movies as Shakepeare in Love and Alice in Wonderland.

"Those three guys wrote the screenplay?? But I saw a cage full of hamsters on set every day and they seemed to have been working really hard on something that looked much like the same script we shot...."

"Those three guys wrote the screenplay?? But I saw a cage full of hamsters on set every day and they seemed to have been working really hard on something that looked much like the same script we shot...."

"You realise I'm not one of the robots, right?"

"You realise I'm not one of the robots, right?"

Jerrod Carmichael was in both of the Zac Efron-led "Neighbours" films, as well as a TV show called "The Carmichael Show"... but I'm not sure what character he plays in that.

Jerrod Carmichael was in both of the Zac Efron-led "Neighbours" films, as well as a TV show called "The Carmichael Show"... but I'm not sure what character he plays in that.

"Well... I gotta go. My planet needs me..."

"Well... I gotta go. My planet needs me..."

In 9 out of 10 alternative universes, I'm in jail on a murder rap for beating to death one of several people who simply stood on the red (blue) carpet talking to friends and blocking every damn shot I wanted to take of Mark Wahlberg before he got on stage. In this particular universe, I'm not dating Charlize Theron.... but I am a free man.

In 9 out of 10 alternative universes, I'm in jail on a murder rap for beating to death one of several people who simply stood on the red (blue) carpet talking to friends and blocking every damn shot I wanted to take of Mark Wahlberg before he got on stage. In this particular universe, I'm not dating Charlize Theron.... but I am a free man.

"Dude, you gotta chill, Bro" (I know, bro)

"Dude, you gotta chill, Bro" (I know, bro)

Laura Haddock plays the.... uh... .well, don't actually know what the Michael Bay word for 'lead actress' is, but that's what she plays.

Laura Haddock plays the.... uh... .well, don't actually know what the Michael Bay word for 'lead actress' is, but that's what she plays.

"You're describing my role in this movie as... what??"

"You're describing my role in this movie as... what??"

"Just this once, it's so hot right now that I'd rather be wearing what my next guest is wearing..."

"Just this once, it's so hot right now that I'd rather be wearing what my next guest is wearing..."

Laura Haddock is arguably currently best known for playing Peter Quill (Starlord)'s mother in Guardians of the Galaxy. At time of writing, I still haven't seen the sequel mainly because I'm still pissed at Disney for flying everyone to London and not only NOT having a premiere, but they flew the cast to London, booked a theatre venue had security, put in barriers and had a front entrance... and then drove the cars in via a side entrance with blacked-out windows. Disney loves fans? Hardly.

Laura Haddock is arguably currently best known for playing Peter Quill (Starlord)'s mother in Guardians of the Galaxy. At time of writing, I still haven't seen the sequel mainly because I'm still pissed at Disney for flying everyone to London and not only NOT having a premiere, but they flew the cast to London, booked a theatre venue had security, put in barriers and had a front entrance... and then drove the cars in via a side entrance with blacked-out windows. Disney loves fans? Hardly.

"I loved you in that movie!" "But you haven't seen that movie yet" "I'm just getting it out of the way"

"I loved you in that movie!"
"But you haven't seen that movie yet"
"I'm just getting it out of the way"

"I must be HOW tall to enter? Well, that's most unfair"

"I must be HOW tall to enter? Well, that's most unfair"

Sam Claflin isn't in this movie, but it married to Laura Haddock who is (conversely, Laura Haddock wasn't in 'My Cousin Rachel' but attended Sam Claflin's premiere because she's married to him) (it's not as complex as it sounds)

Sam Claflin isn't in this movie, but it married to Laura Haddock who is (conversely, Laura Haddock wasn't in 'My Cousin Rachel' but attended Sam Claflin's premiere because she's married to him) (it's not as complex as it sounds)

"You can have an "M", that guy next to you gets a "W", and I haven't decided who gets some of the more random letters that aren't actually in my first or last name yet"

"You can have an "M", that guy next to you gets a "W", and I haven't decided who gets some of the more random letters that aren't actually in my first or last name yet"

"OMG - did you see that guy's HAIR?" "OMG - I just saw that guy's hair!!"

"OMG - did you see that guy's HAIR?"
"OMG - I just saw that guy's hair!!"

"Yes, Mr Tucci, we can confirm you're standing at the same level as Bumblebee's crotch as per your instructions"

"Yes, Mr Tucci, we can confirm you're standing at the same level as Bumblebee's crotch as per your instructions"

"I don't want to give away who I playin this movie, but... oh who am I kidding it's incomprehensible anyway... I'm Merlin. Yes, THAT one."

"I don't want to give away who I playin this movie, but... oh who am I kidding it's incomprehensible anyway... I'm Merlin. Yes, THAT one."

"Yes, that's my best impression of the big guy"

"Yes, that's my best impression of the big guy"

"This guy? His jacket is at least 80% as good as mine. And that's pretty great"

"This guy? His jacket is at least 80% as good as mine. And that's pretty great"

"Don't tell me what I missed. I'm going to assume it doesn't matter". Josh Duhamel was in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Transformers films. And now he's in the 5th.

"Don't tell me what I missed. I'm going to assume it doesn't matter". Josh Duhamel was in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Transformers films. And now he's in the 5th.

"Forced perspective and use of blur, or is she just that small? And thanks to movie magic, we can make some special effects that are even more impressive!"

"Forced perspective and use of blur, or is she just that small? And thanks to movie magic, we can make some special effects that are even more impressive!"

"But what if I'm wrong, and people actually understand what I'm going for in this movie??"

"But what if I'm wrong, and people actually understand what I'm going for in this movie??"

This is "Freya, the World's Loneliest Dog" - who'd spent all her life up to age 6 living in a kennel where she also suffers from a kind of epilepsy (I'm not making this up) - until Michael Bay decided to cast her in this film..... and I'd have to say that this more than anything about the movie including the trailer (and the return of Josh Duhamel, I guess?) about making me more positively inclined towards this movie.

This is "Freya, the World's Loneliest Dog" - who'd spent all her life up to age 6 living in a kennel where she also suffers from a kind of epilepsy (I'm not making this up) - until Michael Bay decided to cast her in this film..... and I'd have to say that this more than anything about the movie including the trailer (and the return of Josh Duhamel, I guess?) about making me more positively inclined towards this movie.

"Can I get an autograph? Or failing that some kind of axle grease?"

"Can I get an autograph? Or failing that some kind of axle grease?"

So ordinarily That would be That and I'd head home, heat up some leftovers and start editing photos. But in this case, just before Michael Bay took to the stage I noted some security people handing out tickets to see the film. And... well... unlike my apartment, cinemas are actually airconditioned, and that more than anything else decided it....

"And then we got to the point where we'd spent hundreds of millions of dollars and realised that, well... we've made it now. Guess we might as well release it" (I photographed this photo walking along the carpet towards the cinema)

"And then we got to the point where we'd spent hundreds of millions of dollars and realised that, well... we've made it now. Guess we might as well release it" (I photographed this photo walking along the carpet towards the cinema)

The popcorn was free, the bottle of water very much appreciated, the seat was comfortable and the airconditioning worked. As for the movie iself? Well.... the popcorn was free, the bottole of water very much appreciated, the seat was comfortable and the aircon worked.

The popcorn was free, the bottle of water very much appreciated, the seat was comfortable and the airconditioning worked. As for the movie iself? Well.... the popcorn was free, the bottole of water very much appreciated, the seat was comfortable and the aircon worked.

So that was..... that. Another entry for the Archive of Movie Premieres right next to the last Transformers premiere I was at : Transformers Revenge of the Fallen,

Plus as always I'll extend an invitation to follow me on facebook at premieresdotco or on twitter at @berndt2_photo if you ever want to know when I post a journal such as this one (hopefully less schizophrenic since I'm very tired and I've... well... refer below)

... as for the movie?

I don't want to speak ill of a movie I got to see for free as part of an event... but I can't lie. It was incoherent beyond almost all belief. The kind of movie that should make every person weep if it makes a billion dollars at the box office because it will be a literal reminder that we share our planet with the kind of people who think this kind of madness is in any way entertaining, or that movies should be allowed to be released that are more or less an insult to the notion of storytelling, narrative, causality.... or not just having random stuff happen for achingly longer than two hours.

I pretty much hated it and wanted it to end.

To be fair, though, every Transformers film comes with a warning. It's right there where it says "A Michael Bay Film". You get what you pay for, if you decide to pay for it. It's like those instruction manuals for chainsaws that advise you not to use your genitals to stop the spinning blades. And you know they write that for a reason.

..... Until next time!!