11 Oct - The BFI LFF "Colette" Premiere

October 11th, 2018

This hobby is supposed to be fun. Today it wasn’t. Some days you make mistakes, and other days you somehow manage to make every mistake and follow it up with missing every opportunity to correct that mistake. And even if the photos turn out okay, that somehow makes it even worse. Somehow.

Here’s how it, and my self-esteem and self-belief, went down.

“I used to work with her, you know” ”Let me guess? Ballet? Topiary?” ”Nothing so feminine. She’s a pro with a nailgun thanks to me. But don’t ask her. It’ll only embarrass her.” ”Uh-huh”

“I used to work with her, you know”
”Let me guess? Ballet? Topiary?”
”Nothing so feminine. She’s a pro with a nailgun thanks to me. But don’t ask her. It’ll only embarrass her.”
”Uh-huh”

“It’s not that our rules is arbitrary, contradictory, subject to change without notice and reinterpretation, or that half the people in the crowd lack both the intelligence to understand us or the desire to follow the rules… No, it’s that we’re not shouting them out loudly enough. That’s where we’re going wrong…”

“It’s not that our rules is arbitrary, contradictory, subject to change without notice and reinterpretation, or that half the people in the crowd lack both the intelligence to understand us or the desire to follow the rules… No, it’s that we’re not shouting them out loudly enough. That’s where we’re going wrong…”

Pentax autofocus mod. It doesn’t improve accuracy as much as give you a different number of things to blame.

Pentax autofocus mod. It doesn’t improve accuracy as much as give you a different number of things to blame.

“I liked it better when they put a sudoku on the back page of these things…”

“I liked it better when they put a sudoku on the back page of these things…”

I don’t know who this is, but I can recognise an expression of  “I’m entitled to be on the red carpet and you appear despite your numbered wristband to have elected to stand outside the whole event”  smugness when I photograph it…. and anthropomorphise it hours later.

I don’t know who this is, but I can recognise an expression of “I’m entitled to be on the red carpet and you appear despite your numbered wristband to have elected to stand outside the whole event” smugness when I photograph it…. and anthropomorphise it hours later.

“What… Here? Now?” ”If not now, then when?” ”Maybe when my husband isn’t standing behind me, and yours behind you?” ”Babe… that’s not just the BEST time, it’s the ONLY time” . I don’t know who either of these two are. Or, strictly speaking, what’s going on.

“What… Here? Now?”
”If not now, then when?”
”Maybe when my husband isn’t standing behind me, and yours behind you?”
”Babe… that’s not just the BEST time, it’s the ONLY time”
.
I don’t know who either of these two are. Or, strictly speaking, what’s going on.

Denise Gough arrives, and in about 20 seconds so does the rain. Of her imdb entry, the movie “‘71'“ ( ‘Protective Woman at Riot’ ) and PS4 game “Mass Effect Andromeda” ( ‘additional voices’ ) are the two credits I’m most familiar with.

Denise Gough arrives, and in about 20 seconds so does the rain. Of her imdb entry, the movie “‘71'“ (‘Protective Woman at Riot’) and PS4 game “Mass Effect Andromeda” (‘additional voices’) are the two credits I’m most familiar with.

Wash Westmoreland is the director of this film, and also the rather depressing (yet good) “Still Alice”, for which Julianne Moore won a Best Actress Oscar.

Wash Westmoreland is the director of this film, and also the rather depressing (yet good) “Still Alice”, for which Julianne Moore won a Best Actress Oscar.

“I find a bit of blur charming, myself”.  Hmpf.   Blurry Therefore Art   or GTFO, as far as I’m (now) concerned.

“I find a bit of blur charming, myself”. Hmpf. Blurry Therefore Art or GTFO, as far as I’m (now) concerned.

Dominic West graciously signs in our pen (the only person to do so) as the rain starts to become noticeable in this image

Dominic West graciously signs in our pen (the only person to do so) as the rain starts to become noticeable in this image

“Well, sure the costumes in John Carter (of Mars) have dated somewhat, but those sandals were comfortable and those leather loincloths are still lying around my house somewhere”.  As I elect not to ponder what I’ve just written, various attendants nearby who would ordinarily merely be standing and blocking the view into the VIP Paparazzi area… will soon cheerfully grab umbrellas and do all of that AND be holding umbrellas.

“Well, sure the costumes in John Carter (of Mars) have dated somewhat, but those sandals were comfortable and those leather loincloths are still lying around my house somewhere”.
As I elect not to ponder what I’ve just written, various attendants nearby who would ordinarily merely be standing and blocking the view into the VIP Paparazzi area… will soon cheerfully grab umbrellas and do all of that AND be holding umbrellas.

“Babe, as long as we point just past the security on the edge of the carpet, your dress will be more than sufficient to get us into the place” . I’m not sure who this is, but the dress (refer following picture) was pretty great.

“Babe, as long as we point just past the security on the edge of the carpet, your dress will be more than sufficient to get us into the place”. I’m not sure who this is, but the dress (refer following picture) was pretty great.

“I don’t even care if you don’t photograph me. In fact, just standing and staring is even more gratifying”

“I don’t even care if you don’t photograph me. In fact, just standing and staring is even more gratifying”

In all honesty, all I really know about Eleanor Tomlinson (before I scurry off to imdb.com to supplement my knowledge) is that I have on more than one occasion mistaken her for another actress, Sophie Turner. Fortunately only in the comfort of my apartment, post-premiere.

In all honesty, all I really know about Eleanor Tomlinson (before I scurry off to imdb.com to supplement my knowledge) is that I have on more than one occasion mistaken her for another actress, Sophie Turner. Fortunately only in the comfort of my apartment, post-premiere.

“I told you fitting the wind machine under the umbrella was a stroke of genius. The fact that it’s raining is just an additional convenience”  - Eleanor Tomlinson’s primary imdb.com entry is for a TV Series called ‘Poldark’ though I’ll possibly admit to having watched “Jack The Giant Slayer” once. And not enjoying it much.

“I told you fitting the wind machine under the umbrella was a stroke of genius. The fact that it’s raining is just an additional convenience” - Eleanor Tomlinson’s primary imdb.com entry is for a TV Series called ‘Poldark’ though I’ll possibly admit to having watched “Jack The Giant Slayer” once. And not enjoying it much.

I’d love to say that me taking photos of people chatting through umbrellas is an expression of my joy at using the mighty Nikon D4 and its superior autofocus in low light, but mostly it’s an expression of the realisation that I’m in a f**king terrible spot, off-carpet, where I will have no view of anyone ON the carpet, and I did all this because… well… you know how alcohol makes you do insane things while thinking they’re genius? Well I did that… but without drinking any alcohol.

I’d love to say that me taking photos of people chatting through umbrellas is an expression of my joy at using the mighty Nikon D4 and its superior autofocus in low light, but mostly it’s an expression of the realisation that I’m in a f**king terrible spot, off-carpet, where I will have no view of anyone ON the carpet, and I did all this because… well… you know how alcohol makes you do insane things while thinking they’re genius? Well I did that… but without drinking any alcohol.

Stupid decision-making meets blind-luck. I’ll take it.

Stupid decision-making meets blind-luck. I’ll take it.

When Keira Knightley exited her limo/van, it waited so long to drive off that by the time it did she’d finished posing for the VIP Paparazzi who were directly(ish) across from me and she’d since moved on to the regular wall o’paps where I took this one photo. And that’s that…..

When Keira Knightley exited her limo/van, it waited so long to drive off that by the time it did she’d finished posing for the VIP Paparazzi who were directly(ish) across from me and she’d since moved on to the regular wall o’paps where I took this one photo. And that’s that…..

… unless you count dreamy smeared light-reflecting semi-transparent blurs as a form of artistic portraiture far superior to ordinary ‘sharp and in focus’ style portraiture. If that’s the case, get in contact because I have A Stockpile of that kind of crap.

… unless you count dreamy smeared light-reflecting semi-transparent blurs as a form of artistic portraiture far superior to ordinary ‘sharp and in focus’ style portraiture. If that’s the case, get in contact because I have A Stockpile of that kind of crap.

Incredibly, I/we were allowed to leave our pen and get into another pen, right next to the interview media. However, we were not allowed to take photos behind the interviews en route, and had to go DIRECTLY to that pen. I mention this only because…. a few minutes after I/we did that, not one but F**KING FOUR different photographers just stood exactly where I wanted to stand, shooting flagrantly into the interview area, with NOBODY stopping them from doing so.

You know… we have a (private) collective noun for Security Staff at premieres, and let’s just say it doesn’t overestimate their intellectual prowess, or rank them highly in terms of Animal/Mineral/Vegetable….

“Wait… didn’t you already not know who I was in another pen?”

“Wait… didn’t you already not know who I was in another pen?”

Keira Knightley in dream-o-rama <TM> - photographed through multiple semi-rain-slicked umbrellas held by the interview media… even though it has by now mostly stopped raining.

Keira Knightley in dream-o-rama <TM> - photographed through multiple semi-rain-slicked umbrellas held by the interview media… even though it has by now mostly stopped raining.

“Not only am I just going to stand here like this, but I’m also going to hold my breath until you stop mentioning those Pirates movies”

“Not only am I just going to stand here like this, but I’m also going to hold my breath until you stop mentioning those Pirates movies”

“You mentioned ‘Atonement’! Much appreciated”.  Atonement is kind of awesome : it’s got a supervillain of the kind not even Marvel or DC would have the stomach to unleash upon their heroes.

“You mentioned ‘Atonement’! Much appreciated”. Atonement is kind of awesome : it’s got a supervillain of the kind not even Marvel or DC would have the stomach to unleash upon their heroes.

And that’s about as far as I want to go in remembering tonight. I made more errors in failing to aggressively pursue a policy that would not just have worked, but would have made the event a quieter, infinitely less irritating thing to have attended. I mention this while knowing that I’m probably the least important part of the event - I’m not even on-screen holding a sign showcasing my fandom, or throwing out random claims in a foreign accent to the effect of ‘ow much aye luff yoo, <insert name>

All this and it’s only day TWO of TWELVE…. so I’d better get some sleep. And stockpile more liquor, and drink it this time. And update The Archive of Premieres. And stockpile more liquor.

Until next time

Feel free to follow me on facebook at premieresdotco, or on twitter at berndt2_photo, or drop a letter through my mailbox suggesting that while curbing my alcohol consumption might make my writing slightly more boring, my liver might thank me for it.