16 Oct - The BFI LFF ‘Suspiria’… thing.

October 16th, 2018.

Trigger warning : there’s a rant at the end of this journal. But before, and during , and somewhat after that, there was also an event on. I already forget what the movie it was for was called because I don’t want to remember. So here’s what I’m reluctant to call a ‘premiere’ because ‘a zoo with a soundtrack to sharpen scythes and plot vengeance by’ is more accurate…. went down:

I couldn’t be a55ed to straighten the horizon of this photo, but curiously I  COULD  be a55ed to delete the movie’s name from every poster in the background. Because although my Social Influencer status is right up there with  “Armenian Goatherder With Weekend Access To Dialup Internet” , I do have my (metaphorical) Armenian Goatherder pride.

I couldn’t be a55ed to straighten the horizon of this photo, but curiously I COULD be a55ed to delete the movie’s name from every poster in the background. Because although my Social Influencer status is right up there with “Armenian Goatherder With Weekend Access To Dialup Internet”, I do have my (metaphorical) Armenian Goatherder pride.

Good news. Security are once again concentrating on what’s important : ensuring fans’ photo montage signs don’t cover movie posters they’re going to cover and/or stand in front of once the event starts anyway. Meanwhile, autograph dealers are letting themselves into pens behind me, bags unchecked and un-wristbanded. Well done, Security. You lock down those ‘real’ threats.

Good news. Security are once again concentrating on what’s important : ensuring fans’ photo montage signs don’t cover movie posters they’re going to cover and/or stand in front of once the event starts anyway. Meanwhile, autograph dealers are letting themselves into pens behind me, bags unchecked and un-wristbanded. Well done, Security. You lock down those ‘real’ threats.

“What the f**k is that music they’re playing???” ”Bob, if that’s music then a recording of cows being dismembered is also music”  In amongst the generally inoffensive albeit high-volume pop-rock music pumped out by the speakers right next to me for almost two hours, the last 45mins before the premiere began (and all through its length) was from the film’s score, perhaps titled  “Music To Bring A Pall Of Impending Doom To Us All” . Great way to amp up the crowd without the expense of painting everything grey and organising executions of political dissidents or something.

“What the f**k is that music they’re playing???”
”Bob, if that’s music then a recording of cows being dismembered is also music”

In amongst the generally inoffensive albeit high-volume pop-rock music pumped out by the speakers right next to me for almost two hours, the last 45mins before the premiere began (and all through its length) was from the film’s score, perhaps titled “Music To Bring A Pall Of Impending Doom To Us All”. Great way to amp up the crowd without the expense of painting everything grey and organising executions of political dissidents or something.

“Is there anyone I can talk to about the misogyny of that company’s name? I wouldn’t ordinarily complain, but it beats slitting my wrist to the tune of whatever’s coming from those speakers over there”  Actually, the music wouldn’t make you want to slit your wrists. It made you want a SLOW DEATH.

“Is there anyone I can talk to about the misogyny of that company’s name? I wouldn’t ordinarily complain, but it beats slitting my wrist to the tune of whatever’s coming from those speakers over there” Actually, the music wouldn’t make you want to slit your wrists. It made you want a SLOW DEATH.

“It occurs to me to ask… is any one of us going to be looking out for the stars once this thing starts, .. you know, what with all of us just standing here texting?” ”…..” ”….. ” ”…..” ”…I’m sorry. Did somebody say something? Also, I only communicate by emojis now”

“It occurs to me to ask… is any one of us going to be looking out for the stars once this thing starts, .. you know, what with all of us just standing here texting?”
”…..”
”….. ”
”…..”
”…I’m sorry. Did somebody say something? Also, I only communicate by emojis now”

The event should probably have begun by now, but nobody from the cast has arrived. This lady was photographed by the Paps, but I don’t believe she’s associated with the movie. Seemed nice.

The event should probably have begun by now, but nobody from the cast has arrived. This lady was photographed by the Paps, but I don’t believe she’s associated with the movie. Seemed nice.

This guy also seemed nice. Sure, his attitude to public displays of vague affection may verge on the possibly manic side, but he’s punctual. And I have enough German blood in me to appreciate that.

This guy also seemed nice. Sure, his attitude to public displays of vague affection may verge on the possibly manic side, but he’s punctual. And I have enough German blood in me to appreciate that.

She signed some autographs and He looks dapperly dressed. They seem like nice people, even if (or especially if) they’re not associated with this movie. I wish them all the best, just like I wish the people playing the depressing droning music on the speakers would ask me to confess to some crime I haven’t committed so my confession might make them turn it the f**k OFF.

She signed some autographs and He looks dapperly dressed. They seem like nice people, even if (or especially if) they’re not associated with this movie. I wish them all the best, just like I wish the people playing the depressing droning music on the speakers would ask me to confess to some crime I haven’t committed so my confession might make them turn it the f**k OFF.

I don’t know who this is, but I think I intrinsically like him. I hope that envelope contains notification of an upcoming promotion or payrise, good sir! Update on the attendees from the movie having its premiere here : probably still at the hotel, enjoying free cocktails?

I don’t know who this is, but I think I intrinsically like him. I hope that envelope contains notification of an upcoming promotion or payrise, good sir! Update on the attendees from the movie having its premiere here : probably still at the hotel, enjoying free cocktails?

“Jeezus F**king Chr*st are you guys having a premiere or are you trying to break up a Cult Compound siege with this music?” . ps. please don’t interpret my comments about the music as criticism of the Thom Yorke score - I’m sure it perfectly fits the mood of the movie it’s from. And it’s influencing my opinion of this event, and my life and the dumb-ass decisions that have led me here.

“Jeezus F**king Chr*st are you guys having a premiere or are you trying to break up a Cult Compound siege with this music?”.
ps. please don’t interpret my comments about the music as criticism of the Thom Yorke score - I’m sure it perfectly fits the mood of the movie it’s from. And it’s influencing my opinion of this event, and my life and the dumb-ass decisions that have led me here.

Holy 5h1t you guys - I think a car bearing somebody from the movie has actually shown up!!! I think it’s a Mercedes, but I can’t quite tell from here.

Holy 5h1t you guys - I think a car bearing somebody from the movie has actually shown up!!!
I think it’s a Mercedes, but I can’t quite tell from here.

With every security person on the carpet suddenly deciding that  The Threat  (If Any) is likely to come from well-dressed ticketholders and not (say) rabid autograph dealers in pens, I now have almost all views of the arrivals blocked. Well hooray.

With every security person on the carpet suddenly deciding that The Threat (If Any) is likely to come from well-dressed ticketholders and not (say) rabid autograph dealers in pens, I now have almost all views of the arrivals blocked. Well hooray.

Ah… a superior dismissive sneer of disgust from a star, levelled towards my section of the crowd. It’s all the validation I need to keep doing what I’m doing. (I’m powered 20% by alcohol, 90% by rage these days. I run a surplus…. mainly on the alcohol side)

Ah… a superior dismissive sneer of disgust from a star, levelled towards my section of the crowd. It’s all the validation I need to keep doing what I’m doing. (I’m powered 20% by alcohol, 90% by rage these days. I run a surplus…. mainly on the alcohol side)

“That’s right. You face in our direction : the people who came here hours after the crowd did …and are paid to be here.”  Sounds fair. I hope they all smiled nicely.

“That’s right. You face in our direction : the people who came here hours after the crowd did …and are paid to be here.” Sounds fair. I hope they all smiled nicely.

“Well, that was exhausting. What do I do now? ” I dunno…. maybe stay on the carpet where you can most effectively block my views of Tilda Swinton like everyone else is already doing? It seems to give their lives meaning and joy and I’d hate to deny that to others.

“Well, that was exhausting. What do I do now?” I dunno…. maybe stay on the carpet where you can most effectively block my views of Tilda Swinton like everyone else is already doing? It seems to give their lives meaning and joy and I’d hate to deny that to others.

Director Luca Guadagnino seemed nice. He was the only person to sign all along our pen, with everyone else of the cast deciding that a55hole autograph dealers running along the length of the pen (in view of impotent Security) wasn’t enough inducement to go further.

Director Luca Guadagnino seemed nice. He was the only person to sign all along our pen, with everyone else of the cast deciding that a55hole autograph dealers running along the length of the pen (in view of impotent Security) wasn’t enough inducement to go further.

“Actually, you’re thinking of the Def Leppard song “Hysteria”. That’s not the title of our movie, and that’s also why it’s not on the soundtrack” . Well… sure. That’s because the sounds of souls being wrested from innocent children apparently forms the tone of the soundtrack of this movie, while Def Leppard’s Hysteria is a great song i’d rather be listening to right now.

“Actually, you’re thinking of the Def Leppard song “Hysteria”. That’s not the title of our movie, and that’s also why it’s not on the soundtrack”.
Well… sure. That’s because the sounds of souls being wrested from innocent children apparently forms the tone of the soundtrack of this movie, while Def Leppard’s Hysteria is a great song i’d rather be listening to right now.

Meanwhile… Holy sh1t : there’s a video of Def Leppard performing ‘Hysteria’ with TAYLOR SWIFT, guys!!

(this premiere finally/just got better about three hours after it ended)

Awwwww…. yeah.

Oh. Right. I have worthless premiere duties to attend to...

“I could just stand here, letting my hair waft prettily?”  and if you’re also blocking my views of Tilda Swinton and/or Dakota Johnson you’re actually doing three things at once. Which is excellent from a productivity standpoint.

“I could just stand here, letting my hair waft prettily?” and if you’re also blocking my views of Tilda Swinton and/or Dakota Johnson you’re actually doing three things at once. Which is excellent from a productivity standpoint.

<forty d@mn frames later>  “My hair IS pretty, isn’t it?”  yeah but I bet your hairdresser charges you a lot more than mine charges me given how little I have. So I’m calling it a victory for you only because you’re still blocking my views of Tilda Swinton on top of having great hair.

<forty d@mn frames later> “My hair IS pretty, isn’t it?” yeah but I bet your hairdresser charges you a lot more than mine charges me given how little I have. So I’m calling it a victory for you only because you’re still blocking my views of Tilda Swinton on top of having great hair.

OMG - nobody’s blocking Tilda Swinton and it only takes two frames on my Nikon before anything it’s pointed at is in focus and I’ll finally have… a photo of Tilda Swinton mostly facing away from me. Awesome.

OMG - nobody’s blocking Tilda Swinton and it only takes two frames on my Nikon before anything it’s pointed at is in focus and I’ll finally have… a photo of Tilda Swinton mostly facing away from me. Awesome.

In annoying news: it’s now Dakota Johnson who is blocking my view of Tilda Swinton. On the plus side I’ve now photographed Dakota Johnson AND Mia Goth at this premiere. (… and, sure, also the dude with the orange envelope, the guy who hates public displays of affection, the lady in the crimson coat, and the nicely well-dressed couple. Those are the real heroes of this evening.)

In annoying news: it’s now Dakota Johnson who is blocking my view of Tilda Swinton. On the plus side I’ve now photographed Dakota Johnson AND Mia Goth at this premiere. (… and, sure, also the dude with the orange envelope, the guy who hates public displays of affection, the lady in the crimson coat, and the nicely well-dressed couple. Those are the real heroes of this evening.)

“Along with the droning tone of rainforests screaming in pain while glaciers weep… I also sense frustration coming from …somewhere over there behind me”  Well, that can’t me, because I’m   way   beyond frustration.

“Along with the droning tone of rainforests screaming in pain while glaciers weep… I also sense frustration coming from …somewhere over there behind me”
Well, that can’t me, because I’m way beyond frustration.

“There. You’ve finally photographed me. Happy now?”  Yes, actually. But that has more to do with me still listening to that Taylor Swift/Def Leppard duet back in my apartment 3hrs later.

“There. You’ve finally photographed me. Happy now?” Yes, actually. But that has more to do with me still listening to that Taylor Swift/Def Leppard duet back in my apartment 3hrs later.

“You people are f**king animals, and I love it!”  I can’t wait to see Tilda Swinton adapt the autograph dealers’ scummy a55hole ways into a Star Wars character, so Disney’s Lawyers can come after the Dealers for copyright infringement retrospectively. And you know they’ll find a way to do it, too.

“You people are f**king animals, and I love it!” I can’t wait to see Tilda Swinton adapt the autograph dealers’ scummy a55hole ways into a Star Wars character, so Disney’s Lawyers can come after the Dealers for copyright infringement retrospectively. And you know they’ll find a way to do it, too.

“That was amazing. I assume I’ll get over whatever diseases I was exposed to and feel a sense of total exhilaration for days afterwards” . it goes without saying that any and all attempts to photograph Tilda Swinton while she was signing were doomed to failure. And I was in the FRONT ROW.

“That was amazing. I assume I’ll get over whatever diseases I was exposed to and feel a sense of total exhilaration for days afterwards”. it goes without saying that any and all attempts to photograph Tilda Swinton while she was signing were doomed to failure. And I was in the FRONT ROW.

In amongst the dealer crush (which left the extreme left THIRD of the pen completely empty while it made our area three-deep), I couldn’t take photos on the Nikon or Pentax and had to hold the gopro high and blind. Almost every shot was blurred or blocked and my settings were bumped. And notice security not giving a sh1t? They’re paid to do that.

In amongst the dealer crush (which left the extreme left THIRD of the pen completely empty while it made our area three-deep), I couldn’t take photos on the Nikon or Pentax and had to hold the gopro high and blind. Almost every shot was blurred or blocked and my settings were bumped. And notice security not giving a sh1t? They’re paid to do that.

“High-fives? Don’t do ‘em anymore. Don’t ask me why”

“High-fives? Don’t do ‘em anymore. Don’t ask me why”

On any other day I’d be happy with this photo (or the one taken just before it in the burst, which I’m not posting) and consider it worth some level of discomfort and annoyance. But not today.

On any other day I’d be happy with this photo (or the one taken just before it in the burst, which I’m not posting) and consider it worth some level of discomfort and annoyance. But not today.

And so.. that was that. Side-note : having a f**king awful time is almost always worse when the photos aren’t entirely awful and you realise that the problem comes from the fact that the 3 hour plus journey to the fractions-of-a-second destination(s) were where the problem was.

RANT FOLLOWS:

Firstly, f**k you BFI; and secondly F**k you to the Security staff you have on your red carpets. When they’re not too busy having trouble working out how number order works with wristbands…. or actively telling people where they absolutely can’t stand so that when you’re forced to leave your space it can immediately be occupied by someone now arbitrarily allowed…. or spending their time blocking photos facing AWAY from the crowd they’re meant to be monitoring… they’re actively allowing a bunch of f**king animal autograph dealers free rein in public pens, with or without wristbands, pushing and shoving people to get yet more sh*t signed.

And yeah, I realise I’m coming off as a whiny entitled a55hole, here. But the problem is several dozen other whiny AND AGGRESSIVE a55holes got everything they wanted from this event, just like they always do, while I didn’t. It’s much easier to suffer on a bad day (which this already was) when you’re not also seeing everyone around you behave like utter pricks, with no consequences, having a grand ol’ time.

As for the BFI? Far be it from me to tell them how to run an event, let alone a festival, but my point would be that it might be better to have NO public pens if you can’t at least work towards ensuring as good an experience as possible for those thinking it might be worth getting into one.

And why? because you’re being JUDGED. Not by me : I’m just some whiny entitled a55hole. But the stars at this premiere didn’t seem to have an awesome time either.

Oh, and specifically to this premiere, maybe don’t pump out an hour of f**king depressing soundtrack from the movie to provide a pall of f**king gloom to accompany an event, no matter how appropriate…??

… but more than that, and separately? Get your festival attendees in line. I’m sure most of them are great, but if Alfonso Cuaron is flying to Italy overnight between a premiere one afternoon and a screentalk the next day and has to reschedule because the flight’s delayed because a two-time oscar winner is flying F**KING RYANAIR; and if Hugh Jackman is stuck on a tarmac because he was filming til 2am or something; and if your premiere guests come late to their own premiere… then clearly the London Film Festival isn’t exactly the first priority for these people. And that’s totally fine, if you’re fine with that.

But I wouldn’t be fine with that.

And maybe I’m wrong about my interpretation of what I’ve seen. But what if I’m not? And what if my experience is not unique, and more important people than me already treat your event with disdain, or a lower priority? Then they might continue to do so based on events like this. Call it a rant or call it some helpful feedback, I don’t care. My website has no prestige to lose, while your festival (potentially) does.

Whatever…… do what you want and I’ll do what I want.

Until next time?

Erm… sure, why the f**k not. My Archive Of Premieres is big enough to easily hide sh1tty premieres in.

ps.

Facebook f**king sucks, but I’m on it.
Twitter less so, and I’m on that.
Peace, out.