15 Apr 2019 - The 'Once Upon A Time In London' Premiere

April 15th, 2019.

After the insult that was Marvel’s attempt to convince anyone that their “fan screening” for Avengers <Yawn> Endgame wasn’t mainly for industry insiders and an online audience they could convince it was A Really Big Deal, it’s nice to get out and about and find myself at… erm…. where the HELL am I, and what the hell is a LIMEHOUSE and a TROXY?

Turns out it’s all real. Here’s how it went down, with apologies for the length of this one… because like the Oliviers I don’t know much about what’s going on and who I’m photographing....

It’s the Troxy! And until officially tweeted and told otherwise, it’s named after the former Marxist Revolutionary Leon Trotsky, after a tragic spelling mistake and an improper understanding of the Russian Cyrillic alphabet.

It’s the Troxy! And until officially tweeted and told otherwise, it’s named after the former Marxist Revolutionary Leon Trotsky, after a tragic spelling mistake and an improper understanding of the Russian Cyrillic alphabet.

I don’t specifically know for sure that this is a rough area, but at the same time I’m glad I’m shooting this mainly on the Pentax… because surely even the local crims know that’s got no real resale value… right??

I don’t specifically know for sure that this is a rough area, but at the same time I’m glad I’m shooting this mainly on the Pentax… because surely even the local crims know that’s got no real resale value… right??

Meanwhile, next to the cinema…. Gangster Tours. The front logo is of a knuckleduster, and right now I’m wondering how on Earth I could defend myself if I’m approached in a threatening manner by any of the locals, whether it’s an 80 year old woman carrying her groceries or something even more dangerous.

Meanwhile, next to the cinema…. Gangster Tours. The front logo is of a knuckleduster, and right now I’m wondering how on Earth I could defend myself if I’m approached in a threatening manner by any of the locals, whether it’s an 80 year old woman carrying her groceries or something even more dangerous.

The movie is “Once Upon A Time In London” and though I can see a few buildings I recognise in the far distance, and I was able to make purchases at a local establishment using British Currency, I have to admit I feel like a bit of an outsider here. You know…. beyond merely being outside…. the cinema I’m outside of.

The movie is “Once Upon A Time In London” and though I can see a few buildings I recognise in the far distance, and I was able to make purchases at a local establishment using British Currency, I have to admit I feel like a bit of an outsider here. You know…. beyond merely being outside…. the cinema I’m outside of.

Are they gangstas? independent businessmen? random guests? designated deliverers of the message to Slammin’ Steve that the outstanding money had better be repaid promptly if his kneecaps are still of value to him? It’s hard to say. But I’m avoiding eye-contact, and praying my camera’s shutter is silent enough.

Are they gangstas? independent businessmen? random guests? designated deliverers of the message to Slammin’ Steve that the outstanding money had better be repaid promptly if his kneecaps are still of value to him? It’s hard to say. But I’m avoiding eye-contact, and praying my camera’s shutter is silent enough.

“Let’s just say that when I say “Yo, Bruv” in a totally innocuous fashion, I don’t expect to have my motives questioned…okay, Bruv?”

“Let’s just say that when I say “Yo, Bruv” in a totally innocuous fashion, I don’t expect to have my motives questioned…okay, Bruv?”

Wireimage suggests that the man in the white jacket might be Dave Courtney, but this is probably the kind of event where it’s unwise to misidentify anyone. So this is… uh…. erm….

Wireimage suggests that the man in the white jacket might be Dave Courtney, but this is probably the kind of event where it’s unwise to misidentify anyone. So this is… uh…. erm….

I feel like every photo at this premiere should be edited with the grittiest, grainiest filter possible… but that would totally destroy the cool lens flares I’m getting in this picture. And gritty or not, a man has to have principles… and lens flares.

I feel like every photo at this premiere should be edited with the grittiest, grainiest filter possible… but that would totally destroy the cool lens flares I’m getting in this picture. And gritty or not, a man has to have principles… and lens flares.

“Don’t ask what’s in the bag. Or what I’m doing here. Or why I have a bodyguard standing across the road from me. Any of those things could result in extreme…    are you PHOTOGRAPHING ME??   ”  Me? No. Not at all. And I also don’t have a website and a blog that’s tagged with this movie’s name, with enough personally identifying information to make it somewhat easy for a suitably motivated crime syndicate to track me down….. at all.

“Don’t ask what’s in the bag. Or what I’m doing here. Or why I have a bodyguard standing across the road from me. Any of those things could result in extreme… are you PHOTOGRAPHING ME??
Me? No. Not at all. And I also don’t have a website and a blog that’s tagged with this movie’s name, with enough personally identifying information to make it somewhat easy for a suitably motivated crime syndicate to track me down….. at all.

“I just realised if we’d worn gold bling, bright sneakers and angled baseball caps rather than grey skintight dresses, we’d be a whole lot less obtrusive”  I believe the lady on the left is Laura Carter, but further information is not forthcoming and at this premiere I’m unwilling to do much research in case it causes people with baseball bats to come to my house, gently urging me to drop my “investigations”.

“I just realised if we’d worn gold bling, bright sneakers and angled baseball caps rather than grey skintight dresses, we’d be a whole lot less obtrusive”
I believe the lady on the left is Laura Carter, but further information is not forthcoming and at this premiere I’m unwilling to do much research in case it causes people with baseball bats to come to my house, gently urging me to drop my “investigations”.

“You eyeballin’ me, Mister?” - erm. No. Just got something in my eye.

“You eyeballin’ me, Mister?”- erm. No. Just got something in my eye.

“Great. Now how am I supposed to press the shutter button??”

“Great. Now how am I supposed to press the shutter button??”

Photography at this event involves stars and/or celebs and/or guests and/or locals walking their dogs coming from either direction on a wide footpath, where views of them can be blocked by guests, security, photographers, or other locals walking their dogs or carrying their shopping home. This man, Dominic Keating, is actually in this movie… and he came from a third direction : across the road.

Photography at this event involves stars and/or celebs and/or guests and/or locals walking their dogs coming from either direction on a wide footpath, where views of them can be blocked by guests, security, photographers, or other locals walking their dogs or carrying their shopping home.
This man, Dominic Keating, is actually in this movie… and he came from a third direction : across the road.

“They told me to come, and “dress undercover” - but as who? and for what?”  - fittingly, neither I nor the mighty wireimage.com can identify this man. (edited to add : I now know this man’s name (thanks, Paul!!) - but out of respect for his desire to remain undercover I will not reveal it… except in Pig Latin, which is of course indecipherable outside of quantum computing realms : he’s   Gimon Sross  )

“They told me to come, and “dress undercover” - but as who? and for what?”
- fittingly, neither I nor the mighty wireimage.com can identify this man.
(edited to add : I now know this man’s name (thanks, Paul!!) - but out of respect for his desire to remain undercover I will not reveal it… except in Pig Latin, which is of course indecipherable outside of quantum computing realms : he’s Gimon Sross)

The   ‘No Chewing Gum Policy’   stand-off enters its critical third hour. Songs shall be written about it and sung in Grand Alehouses…. as soon as the Limehouse area is properly gentrified and people start feeling safe enough to build Grand Alehouses.

The ‘No Chewing Gum Policy’ stand-off enters its critical third hour. Songs shall be written about it and sung in Grand Alehouses…. as soon as the Limehouse area is properly gentrified and people start feeling safe enough to build Grand Alehouses.

“You don’t know who I am? Good… and let’s keep it that way”  … but is it okay if I make inquiries as to how to get one of those ties?

“You don’t know who I am? Good… and let’s keep it that way”
… but is it okay if I make inquiries as to how to get one of those ties?

A combination of wireimage, imdb and the fact that I’d never leave a man wearing that jacket unphotographed, means I’ve photographed Kem Croft - who is IN THIS MOVIE!!

A combination of wireimage, imdb and the fact that I’d never leave a man wearing that jacket unphotographed, means I’ve photographed Kem Croft - who is IN THIS MOVIE!!

You know, in retrospect, I’m not sure I should have photographed, much less uploaded, whatever financial transactions(s) may or may not be taking place in this photo. I’m sure somebody just owes somebody some money from the last time they bought a pizza and softdrinks for the group.

You know, in retrospect, I’m not sure I should have photographed, much less uploaded, whatever financial transactions(s) may or may not be taking place in this photo. I’m sure somebody just owes somebody some money from the last time they bought a pizza and softdrinks for the group.

I just got gang-signed by a man wearing tweed, and I feel pretty good about it.

I just got gang-signed by a man wearing tweed, and I feel pretty good about it.

“I’m not saying I want it, but I’m saying that, like, if you have a spare one …?”

“I’m not saying I want it, but I’m saying that, like, if you have a spare one …?”

I don’t know who Nadia Forde is. Or why that man in the background is looking so glum. I mean.. sure, I’d NEVER have worn a suit and tie to this event if I had a leather jacket and neck tattoos handy instead, but that’s a mistake he can hopefully bounce back from.

I don’t know who Nadia Forde is. Or why that man in the background is looking so glum. I mean.. sure, I’d NEVER have worn a suit and tie to this event if I had a leather jacket and neck tattoos handy instead, but that’s a mistake he can hopefully bounce back from.

“You were saying something about suits and ties?”  Well… not if they’re accompanied by sunglasses. Those make all the difference. Also, he’s Leo Gregory and he’s in the movie!!

“You were saying something about suits and ties?”
Well… not if they’re accompanied by sunglasses. Those make all the difference. Also, he’s Leo Gregory and he’s in the movie!!

“Well, if I have to stand here and watch the whole episode of Game of Thrones like this, then so be it…”

“Well, if I have to stand here and watch the whole episode of Game of Thrones like this, then so be it…”

I’m not saying that smoking IS cool, I’m just saying it LOOKS cool.

I’m not saying that smoking IS cool, I’m just saying it LOOKS cool.

I don’t know who the guy on the left is, but he indicated I should take this photo, and even if all I had on me was a sketchpad and a biro, I’d have somehow tried to make it work…

I don’t know who the guy on the left is, but he indicated I should take this photo, and even if all I had on me was a sketchpad and a biro, I’d have somehow tried to make it work…

“You’d better put this on your damn blog, man!!”  If that’s what he meant, I don’t know if that’s a threat, or, like, irony, but today I feel it’s important to know which…

“You’d better put this on your damn blog, man!!”
If that’s what he meant, I don’t know if that’s a threat, or, like, irony, but today I feel it’s important to know which…

Not the weirdest thing I’ve seen today. Move along.

Not the weirdest thing I’ve seen today. Move along.

“And you’re certain I have to stay within the lines? Okay… Imma try…”  - strangely, although nobody on the mighty wireimage.com seems to have photographed her, I believe this is Holly Earl, who is in this movie.

“And you’re certain I have to stay within the lines? Okay… Imma try…” - strangely, although nobody on the mighty wireimage.com seems to have photographed her, I believe this is Holly Earl, who is in this movie.

“Thanks, you too.” ”What did he say to you?” ”I have no idea. But it’s my go-to response”

“Thanks, you too.”
”What did he say to you?”
”I have no idea. But it’s my go-to response”

This is probably still more gangsta than anything in my summer wardrobe.

This is probably still more gangsta than anything in my summer wardrobe.

“Okay, but how do they get the picture so small?”   I believe the man on the left is Terry Stone - one of the writers of this movie.

“Okay, but how do they get the picture so small?”
I believe the man on the left is Terry Stone - one of the writers of this movie.

Regardless of the tense negotiations going on between these two gentlemen, I believe the lady in the back is Victoria Clay, who I recognise only because she was at the premiere of  “Welcome to Curiosity”  last year… I think? Hold on while I check..

Regardless of the tense negotiations going on between these two gentlemen, I believe the lady in the back is Victoria Clay, who I recognise only because she was at the premiere of “Welcome to Curiosity” last year… I think? Hold on while I check..

“I don’t care about the new Star Wars trailer, Jerry….”

“I don’t care about the new Star Wars trailer, Jerry….”

“Of course, all this would be a lot cooler if the flavour wasn’t caramel candy-floss”

“Of course, all this would be a lot cooler if the flavour wasn’t caramel candy-floss”

“Is anything the matter, Madam?” ”Yeah, that lady over there is wearing the same neck tattoo I am….” ”Is there anything I can do?” ”Yeah, call an ambulance - I’m about to settle this with a knife fight…”

“Is anything the matter, Madam?”
”Yeah, that lady over there is wearing the same neck tattoo I am….”
”Is there anything I can do?”
”Yeah, call an ambulance - I’m about to settle this with a knife fight…”

Good news. The red carpet (aka. sidewalk) has gotten a bit quieter, so I can now photograph passing dogs.

Good news. The red carpet (aka. sidewalk) has gotten a bit quieter, so I can now photograph passing dogs.

“Just because I’m coming from this direction doesn’t mean I’m Batman, ladies, but it also doesn’t mean that I’m not, if you know what I mean…”

“Just because I’m coming from this direction doesn’t mean I’m Batman, ladies, but it also doesn’t mean that I’m not, if you know what I mean…”

Scoff as much as you like, but I bet at least half of these people have an instagram following that’s bigger than yours. Or all of them, in the case of mine.

Scoff as much as you like, but I bet at least half of these people have an instagram following that’s bigger than yours. Or all of them, in the case of mine.

“Oh, no. I’m young, pretty and wearing a dress like this and I’ve been surrounded by Paparazzi whose photos of me will only increase my profile. Whatever shall I do??”  Obviously I have no idea who this is.

“Oh, no. I’m young, pretty and wearing a dress like this and I’ve been surrounded by Paparazzi whose photos of me will only increase my profile. Whatever shall I do??” Obviously I have no idea who this is.

“Please tell me I’m not too late to be Fashionably Late to this premiere….”

“Please tell me I’m not too late to be Fashionably Late to this premiere….”

“And yet I’m still stealing something from your purse, somehow, ma’am”  - it’s Billy Murray! As legally distinct from Bill Murray, who is also an actor.

“And yet I’m still stealing something from your purse, somehow, ma’am” - it’s Billy Murray! As legally distinct from Bill Murray, who is also an actor.

“And as I slowly increase the pressure on your shoulder and start getting the bones to grind against each other, your inclination to offer to let me keep your phone will increase…”  Jamie O’Hara is in this movie, playing the role of “Grinning Mike”

“And as I slowly increase the pressure on your shoulder and start getting the bones to grind against each other, your inclination to offer to let me keep your phone will increase…”
Jamie O’Hara is in this movie, playing the role of “Grinning Mike”

“Do you think they serve champagne and caviar in there?” ”I think there’s a better chance of finding some in the alley behind the place…”  Sun’s sure getting low, and I’m not saying I’m scared to be here, I’m just saying I'd better find my way back to civilisation. Or the safety and opulence of that alley behind the place.

“Do you think they serve champagne and caviar in there?”
”I think there’s a better chance of finding some in the alley behind the place…”

Sun’s sure getting low, and I’m not saying I’m scared to be here, I’m just saying I'd better find my way back to civilisation. Or the safety and opulence of that alley behind the place.

So… that was that. It was weird, I felt massively out of place, and it made me question what I’m doing with my life. It’s kind of exactly the same as Avengers Endgame last week… except this time people were at least nice about me being there.

And believe me, that makes a difference even when it’s just another +1 to the Archive of Premieres.

Until next time!

ps. Feel free to follow me (unless you’re very scary) on facebook at premieresdotco, or on twitter at berndt2_photo.

10 Apr 2019 - Another f**king Marvel Insult

April 10th, 2019.

Note : The price of admission for this journal is a rant, first. Scroll down for the photos, such as they are.. and a bit of retraction/contextualisation.

Rant Begins :

Dear Disney/ Marvel, I thought it was customary to make sure to get peoples’ money before you insult them, but apparently your arrogance and overconfidence in your latest movie means you feel that’s unnecessary. To which : F**K YOU.

Let’s revisit Marvel’s last couple of movie releases (other than Captain Marvel which was limited to just 80 wristbands) and how they were marketed in London. Thor Ragnarok : No premiere at all. Spider-Man Homecoming : No premiere at all. Fine. But Black Panther : They called it a EUROPEAN PREMIERE - and made it a completely closed event, stars driven in by car. Avengers Infinity War : Completely Closed Event inaccessible to outside fans. So in other words, rather than not having premieres, they’ve started to dangle FAKE events in front of fans, and making them look ‘real’ and ‘grand’ online for marketing purposes. Which to me is worse than having nothing. Avengers premieres and Captain America premieres used to be Awesome.

And for Avengers Endgame? They had an event so closed off that they put up INTERIOR F**KING CURTAINS to prevent photographs being taken by people in the pens set up outside the venue… the same fans who 1 of 2 directors blankly walked past, 2 of 3 actors didn’t even enter via the front entrance, and the third literally walked past without looking up.

Because that’s how you promote a movie : walk right past fans … and inside the venue show less than 1/6 of the runtime of your film to a bunch of competition winners who’ll be so grateful for the table-scraps you threw at them that they’ll excitedly tweet about it and add to the hype machine. So cheap. So disrespectful.

Hey MARVEL - who do you think is a bigger fan : somebody who takes a couple of seconds to enter an online competition form hoping to get lucky, or somebody who actually waits FIVE F**KING HOURS hoping that just F**KING MAYBE a star MIGHT turn right for a second on their way out of a car? I’m not denigrating the people INSIDE the event (hell, call me a sore loser if you want!), but I am questioning the thought processes that went into this.

But… when you all this a “Fan Screening” what the fuck are you getting at?

The thing is: it’s easy to do something “nice” for people who’ll reward you by spouting your ‘purchased’ amazing-ness to the world - but a real test of character is whether you can be bothered to do something nice (even if it takes a few minutes) to people who you don’t benefit from directly.

You, Marvel, are a bunch of Arrogant pricks. You have no concept of who your fans are - you just want their f**king money, and also to project the image that you’re meeting them and care about them… which you’d prefer to imply you’re doing, rather than literally just go ONE F**KING METRE further and actually doing.

Yes, I’m an entitled whiner. But you treated me like I didn’t matter. Again. And you did it in a way that was even more disrespectful than before. Yes, you can buy special effects. You can buy talented actors. You can buy talented craftsmen. You can, and you have, even fucking OUTRIGHT BOUGHT your competition. You can even spend TWO HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS to promote this movie. But you can’t buy class. You can buy the appearance of having class… but today you couldn’t even be bothered to do that.

FUCK YOU. All I know is that I’m not watching your f**king movie. I don’t give my money to people who disrespect me. I have some pride.

And if I offended anyone with what I’ve written, I hope you’re one of the people who deserves it.

<the next morning> And yes… I realise that in writing this that it is much, MUCH more likely to reflect badly on me than Marvel. And yet…. I feel I have to. Or want to. Same thing. I’m upset. Damnit, Scarlett Johansson didn’t even look left (or right)!

Sigh.

Journal:

I got there just after 3pm and managed to get myself into the front row of a pen, a position I’ve chosen because (presciently) even if stars walk in, all    Keira-Knightley-At-The-Aftermath    style, I’ll be able to have some kind of angle of their approach

I got there just after 3pm and managed to get myself into the front row of a pen, a position I’ve chosen because (presciently) even if stars walk in, all Keira-Knightley-At-The-Aftermath style, I’ll be able to have some kind of angle of their approach

Wait… why would the widely- beloved makers of a huge franchise want not one but TWO sniffer dogs at a FAN SCREENING for? Why does a company like that FEAR FANS?

Wait… why would the widely- beloved makers of a huge franchise want not one but TWO sniffer dogs at a FAN SCREENING for? Why does a company like that FEAR FANS?

Wait… why would the widely- beloved makers of a huge franchise employ somebody called “Cover it Up”? What are they covering up??

Wait… why would the widely- beloved makers of a huge franchise employ somebody called “Cover it Up”? What are they covering up??

Wow. They’re LITERALLY covering up the entire f**king event so that fans outside can’t take photos of anything inside. What the f**k kind of a55ho1es would do that, and WHY? What does it cost them? What does it risk? Why would YOU DO THIS? … unless you’re a some f**king kind of a55holes. That would explain it.

Wow. They’re LITERALLY covering up the entire f**king event so that fans outside can’t take photos of anything inside. What the f**k kind of a55ho1es would do that, and WHY? What does it cost them? What does it risk? Why would YOU DO THIS? … unless you’re a some f**king kind of a55holes. That would explain it.

And now? They’ve put a sign saying that the Guest Entrance is on our side… meaning that not only will the stars enter by the door furthest from me, but I’ll have fans filing in front of me, blocking views. Just like happened for The Aftermath….. well, farq.

And now? They’ve put a sign saying that the Guest Entrance is on our side… meaning that not only will the stars enter by the door furthest from me, but I’ll have fans filing in front of me, blocking views. Just like happened for The Aftermath….. well, farq.

Even holding my camera high-and-blind can’t penetrate the sign, or clear it. F&amp;&amp;king great. Honestly… I’m going to have to move spots. And so I do.  And mere minutes after I do that, they remove the sign.  But I figure I’m still on the correct side, as the guests will be going on by one door, and the stars will need to briefly face in my (new) direction when they enter by the other door.  And then security decide to shuffle EVERYONE - stars and guests, through the guest door I had been in font of, anyway. Not only have I made a mistake (damnit) but their decision meant that half of the carpet and the door it leads to are never even USED fort his premiere…. which is incomprehensible! And really bad luck for me, because it costs me every good shot I would have gotten even at this subpar event, and I’m about to spend over two hours finding this out.

Even holding my camera high-and-blind can’t penetrate the sign, or clear it. F&&king great. Honestly… I’m going to have to move spots. And so I do.

And mere minutes after I do that, they remove the sign.

But I figure I’m still on the correct side, as the guests will be going on by one door, and the stars will need to briefly face in my (new) direction when they enter by the other door.

And then security decide to shuffle EVERYONE - stars and guests, through the guest door I had been in font of, anyway. Not only have I made a mistake (damnit) but their decision meant that half of the carpet and the door it leads to are never even USED fort his premiere…. which is incomprehensible! And really bad luck for me, because it costs me every good shot I would have gotten even at this subpar event, and I’m about to spend over two hours finding this out.

It begins with optimism. Sure, one of the Russo Brothers (Anthony) walks in without stopping or slowing down, but the other (Joe) stops to sign. He is the only person at this premiere who does so.

It begins with optimism. Sure, one of the Russo Brothers (Anthony) walks in without stopping or slowing down, but the other (Joe) stops to sign. He is the only person at this premiere who does so.

Honestly, I found Infinity War boring, and Civil War remains the only Marvel movie I ever walked out of before the end because I stopped caring. But I think Joe Russo is a nice man, and it’s nice that he signed for fans. (I did love Captain America The Winter Soldier, though)

Honestly, I found Infinity War boring, and Civil War remains the only Marvel movie I ever walked out of before the end because I stopped caring. But I think Joe Russo is a nice man, and it’s nice that he signed for fans. (I did love Captain America The Winter Soldier, though)

Scarlett Johansson, on the other hand, does not stop, does not slow, does not look left, and does not look right as she enters the cinema from her car. And Paul Rudd and Chris Hemsworth? I”m not sure how they got in, but it was not even via the front door.

Scarlett Johansson, on the other hand, does not stop, does not slow, does not look left, and does not look right as she enters the cinema from her car. And Paul Rudd and Chris Hemsworth? I”m not sure how they got in, but it was not even via the front door.

And that’s it. You’d have to be a complete f**king idiot to wait some 30mins for the interviews to finish and the screening to start, and THEN another 45mins for the screenings to finish, and THEN another 30mins or so when the pens aren’t dismantled wondering whether things might change and whether the stars might stop, or sign, or even leave via the front entrance. And of course I’m a complete f* *king idiot, so I stay. And then they start dismantling the interior…..

“And I bet you’re still wondering how we got Rudd and Hemsworth in and out …”

“And I bet you’re still wondering how we got Rudd and Hemsworth in and out …”

“You realise you can’t blame me for what’s happening, because I’m an inanimate object made of cardboard, right?”

“You realise you can’t blame me for what’s happening, because I’m an inanimate object made of cardboard, right?”

About 2hours after walking in, Scarlett Johansson walks out. I think she was even faster in leaving than she was arriving. Oh, and the asshole blocking my shot here? He’s standing in the disabled pen even though he’s not disabled. He just felt like going in because he could and nobody stopped him. You really bring out the best in people, Marvel.

About 2hours after walking in, Scarlett Johansson walks out. I think she was even faster in leaving than she was arriving. Oh, and the asshole blocking my shot here? He’s standing in the disabled pen even though he’s not disabled. He just felt like going in because he could and nobody stopped him. You really bring out the best in people, Marvel.

Paul Rudd. The only shot I have of him that isn’t blurry (he glanced infinitesimally in our direction, almost guiltily, en route to his limo) - shot through darkened glass. He was paused at the door waiting to the limo to arrive, like he was a plane being launched from an aircraft carrier.

Paul Rudd. The only shot I have of him that isn’t blurry (he glanced infinitesimally in our direction, almost guiltily, en route to his limo) - shot through darkened glass. He was paused at the door waiting to the limo to arrive, like he was a plane being launched from an aircraft carrier.

And finally Chris Hemsworth. The only person to look in our direction for any length of time (though it’s not like he stopped or slowed down) - and he’s what I’m calling a fellow Aussie, which is, well.. I’m not quite going to say “nice”, but by the standards of this event… is pretty nice..

And finally Chris Hemsworth. The only person to look in our direction for any length of time (though it’s not like he stopped or slowed down) - and he’s what I’m calling a fellow Aussie, which is, well.. I’m not quite going to say “nice”, but by the standards of this event… is pretty nice..

So… that was that. If I gave the impression that I think it was a good idea for me to attempt to photograph this event, then I’ve gone seriously wrong in the journal!

I’m not going to bother suggesting you follow me on facebook or twitter : this journal is negative even by my cynical standards, and if you like this level of anger, I’d prefer you didn’t follow me (maybe just kinda.. told me to chill or something), and if you don’t then my battle will probably be to stop me from unfollowing me!

But I assure you that’s less hurtful than anything Marvel perpetrated to ‘fans’ who were merely ‘not lucky enough to be privileged’ today.

Final note : just wanna clarify - I don’t blame the stars, or security, for what they decided to do or not do : I’m blaming MARVEL - the company that organised this. THIS is how they decided to promote a movie that will probably make $2billion in box office alone from their….. “fans”. Which included the ones outside, who for the most part just wanted to celebrate the movie being released.

ROFL - somebody wore a JUSTICE LEAGUE t-shirt to the Avengers Endgame event. That’s pretty awesome - kudos, bro!

ROFL - somebody wore a JUSTICE LEAGUE t-shirt to the Avengers Endgame event. That’s pretty awesome - kudos, bro!

21 Mar 2019 - The 'Dumbo (2019)' European Premiere

March 2019.

The European Premiere of a movie called “Dumbo” being held in this country right now is a Brexit joke so tantalisingly simple that I’m going to leave it hanging… and move on. And actually, I hadn’t even planned to be here : I’d made plans to photograph the “UK Premiere” of “Vita & Virginia” at BFI Southbank, but in perhaps yet another bit of foreshadowing, that “UK Premiere” appeared to have had delusions of grandeur it miserably failed to live up to.

So… Curzon Mayfair for Disney, yet again. Here’s how that went down:

So here I am, again on the wrong side of the fence of a Disney event. Fortunately, it only tends to happen at Disney events….. but unfortunately Disney’s deal to buy 20th Century Fox passed yesterday.

So here I am, again on the wrong side of the fence of a Disney event. Fortunately, it only tends to happen at Disney events….. but unfortunately Disney’s deal to buy 20th Century Fox passed yesterday.

“That late-in-life growth spurt sure made my job easier”  - is there some kind of extract you can take for that…. and how illegal / dangerous (/expensive) is it? I’m asking … for a friend…. who shares my first and last name.

“That late-in-life growth spurt sure made my job easier” - is there some kind of extract you can take for that…. and how illegal / dangerous (/expensive) is it? I’m asking … for a friend…. who shares my first and last name.

“White shirt? You really couldn’t have worn ANYTHING more edgy?” ”It’s light salmon, and if I’d gone to BFI Southbank like I’d wanted, it would have been exceedingly edgy”  - it’s Tim Burton, the director of this Disney adaptation (he also directed the live-action    ‘Alice in Wonderland’    back in 2010)

“White shirt? You really couldn’t have worn ANYTHING more edgy?”
”It’s light salmon, and if I’d gone to BFI Southbank like I’d wanted, it would have been exceedingly edgy”

- it’s Tim Burton, the director of this Disney adaptation (he also directed the live-action ‘Alice in Wonderland’ back in 2010)

“I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but as far as Dutch Tilts go, your camerawoman is taking this a bit too far”

“I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but as far as Dutch Tilts go, your camerawoman is taking this a bit too far”

“There’s no way I’m doing a live-action Disney remake of ‘The Aristocats’ no matter what the rumours say, or how much Disney offers to pay me. ‘Basil the Great Mouse Detective’ on the other hand….”

“There’s no way I’m doing a live-action Disney remake of ‘The Aristocats’ no matter what the rumours say, or how much Disney offers to pay me. ‘Basil the Great Mouse Detective’ on the other hand….”

“Mr Farrell, is this the part where if I tell you I love you, you’ll lift me over this barrier and we can be together forever from that point on?” ”Ummm… let me take a few steps back before I answer that”

“Mr Farrell, is this the part where if I tell you I love you, you’ll lift me over this barrier and we can be together forever from that point on?”
”Ummm… let me take a few steps back before I answer that”

“Okay, I defused that situation. Does anyone want me to negotiate a trade deal next?”  - Colin Farrell’s last Disney-related film role was as PL Travers’ father in the Mary Poppins origin story    “Saving Mr Banks”

“Okay, I defused that situation. Does anyone want me to negotiate a trade deal next?”
- Colin Farrell’s last Disney-related film role was as PL Travers’ father in the Mary Poppins origin story “Saving Mr Banks”

For now, Security are okay with me and a couple of other people taking photos over the barriers, but only on the understanding that we NEVER get in the way of any ticket-holders queueing to get into the event. And that queue of ticket-holders grew long, forcing us to move considerably to the left at some stages. (This Is How The Sauce Is Made)

For now, Security are okay with me and a couple of other people taking photos over the barriers, but only on the understanding that we NEVER get in the way of any ticket-holders queueing to get into the event. And that queue of ticket-holders grew long, forcing us to move considerably to the left at some stages. (This Is How The Sauce Is Made)

“I suppose we could try to look a little bit more excited…” ”I certainly couldn’t. Why… what are you holding back??”

“I suppose we could try to look a little bit more excited…”
”I certainly couldn’t. Why… what are you holding back??”

“I’m taking my lead from the director and star… this is as excited as I’m willing to get.”  - I think this is Nico Parker, who is in the film, and either she’s related to actress Thandie Newton somehow, or Thandie Newton might have gotten a bit close in subsequent photos. (edited to add : she’s Thandie Newton’s daughter)

“I’m taking my lead from the director and star… this is as excited as I’m willing to get.” - I think this is Nico Parker, who is in the film, and either she’s related to actress Thandie Newton somehow, or Thandie Newton might have gotten a bit close in subsequent photos. (edited to add : she’s Thandie Newton’s daughter)

“Does anyone’s camera shutter suddenly not make a clicking sound anymore, because mine doesn’t and I’m wondering if that’s normal….”

“Does anyone’s camera shutter suddenly not make a clicking sound anymore, because mine doesn’t and I’m wondering if that’s normal….”

“I’m signed on for at least two sequels - draft titles “Dumbo The Winter Soldier” and “Dumbo Civil War” - or so I’m told. Actually I’m not so sure I was allowed to say that”  - it’s Danny DeVito, arguably still best known for playing The Penguin in Tim Burton’s “Batman Returns”

“I’m signed on for at least two sequels - draft titles “Dumbo The Winter Soldier” and “Dumbo Civil War” - or so I’m told. Actually I’m not so sure I was allowed to say that”
- it’s Danny DeVito, arguably still best known for playing The Penguin in Tim Burton’s “Batman Returns”

“It’s absolutely my intention to hold this pose until I get a hug from Eva Green, and I don’t for a second believe you’d do any different in my position”

“It’s absolutely my intention to hold this pose until I get a hug from Eva Green, and I don’t for a second believe you’d do any different in my position”

“That was definitely a hug for the ages : I hope you all caught that”  - it’s Eva Green - she was the Bond girl Vesper in ‘Casino Royale’, and has been in prior Tim Burton movies such as ‘   Dark Shadows’.

“That was definitely a hug for the ages : I hope you all caught that” - it’s Eva Green - she was the Bond girl Vesper in ‘Casino Royale’, and has been in prior Tim Burton movies such as ‘Dark Shadows’.

And now for a completely different colour…. (edited to add : she’s Lilah Parsons) (edited to add : I don’t know what that is)

And now for a completely different colour…. (edited to add : she’s Lilah Parsons) (edited to add : I don’t know what that is)

“Can you make it out to Colin Farrell? I want to give it to him as a gift…”  - the only other time I photographed Eva Green (besides Dark Shadows) was at the premiere of the little-remembered    “Perfect Sense”    - which was a quiet premiere  because there was a much larger premiere elsewhere. Which I decided to skip. Because of Eva Green’s presence at the smaller one. Obviously.

“Can you make it out to Colin Farrell? I want to give it to him as a gift…”
- the only other time I photographed Eva Green (besides Dark Shadows) was at the premiere of the little-remembered “Perfect Sense” - which was a quiet premiere because there was a much larger premiere elsewhere. Which I decided to skip. Because of Eva Green’s presence at the smaller one. Obviously.

Taking three or four selfies simultaneously is exactly the kind of efficiency gain the industry has been looking for in the past few years.

Taking three or four selfies simultaneously is exactly the kind of efficiency gain the industry has been looking for in the past few years.

“I can tell you right now that unless you can provide proof otherwise, there is no way I was ever associated with a remake of the Arnold Schwarzennegger classic “Total Recall” … as far as I can recall “. I’d be inclined to believe him, but the dress Jessica Biel wore    at that premiere    still scars my nightmares sometimes.

“I can tell you right now that unless you can provide proof otherwise, there is no way I was ever associated with a remake of the Arnold Schwarzennegger classic “Total Recall” … as far as I can recall“. I’d be inclined to believe him, but the dress Jessica Biel wore at that premiere still scars my nightmares sometimes.

“It’s not that I don’t want to answer your question…I just want to use this extended silence so I can hear how Colin answers the follow-up question”

“It’s not that I don’t want to answer your question…I just want to use this extended silence so I can hear how Colin answers the follow-up question”

“I’m still stunned about the revelation that they re-made Total Recall in 2012. Tell me… they never made any Batman movies after 1992, did they?”

“I’m still stunned about the revelation that they re-made Total Recall in 2012. Tell me… they never made any Batman movies after 1992, did they?”

“I do prefer to ask my questions and jot down the answers in shorthand on a notepad, but just this once I’m using a cameraman to record everything you say. I hope this doesn’t offend you.”

“I do prefer to ask my questions and jot down the answers in shorthand on a notepad, but just this once I’m using a cameraman to record everything you say. I hope this doesn’t offend you.”

“X-Men crossover and a raunchy roadtrip comedy with Deadpool? More likely now than before, I guess”

“X-Men crossover and a raunchy roadtrip comedy with Deadpool? More likely now than before, I guess”

So.. that was that. Not the way I prefer to photograph premieres, but for now (and without any expectation that this will be allowed in the future) if I’m allowed to photograph from outside an event, not only does it mean I can add +1 premiere to the Archive of Premieres, it’s also a lot better than nothing. And by a lot I mean ‘slightly’.

Until next time!

For now, feel free to take a gamble and assume I’ll still be in the Ukay to do a few more of these by following me on Facebook or Twitter, or if you’re really committed (and/or pretty) following me to countries that might allow EU passport holders in the future.

20 Mar 2019 - The "Shazam!" - Superpowered Funfair opening

March 20th, 2019.

It’s not every day you photograph a premiere (or superpowered funfair opening) with a single lens on a single camera… and moreover (arguably) the wrong lens and wrong camera. But what the hell, the UK is in crisis and at least I didn’t bring a banana to a knife fight, merely a lumpy stick. It’s all going to be all right, though, if you believe that sort of thing. Meanwhile, I’m stocked up on alcohol - let’s do this.

Here’s how it went down:

It’s not a premiere, it’s not a gala, it’s not a screening…. it’s a FUNFAIR OPENING. Well, by the standard set by Marvel, this is pretty amazing…. and by the standard set by DC, it’s at least in attendance.

It’s not a premiere, it’s not a gala, it’s not a screening…. it’s a FUNFAIR OPENING. Well, by the standard set by Marvel, this is pretty amazing…. and by the standard set by DC, it’s at least in attendance.

“White logo on yellow…. it’s almost like they’re trying to hide who this movie is from….?”

“White logo on yellow…. it’s almost like they’re trying to hide who this movie is from….?”

“Just as long as you make this look entirely spontaneous and not at all rehearsed”

“Just as long as you make this look entirely spontaneous and not at all rehearsed”

Meanwhile, elsewhere, the BFI Imax is apparently stockpiling POPPED popcorn? Brexit has made people crazy - surely it’s more space-efficient to stockpile the kernels? ….  unless you think society will lack the capacity to generate heat in the next few…..  OMG I gotta start stockpiling matches.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, the BFI Imax is apparently stockpiling POPPED popcorn? Brexit has made people crazy - surely it’s more space-efficient to stockpile the kernels? …. unless you think society will lack the capacity to generate heat in the next few….. OMG I gotta start stockpiling matches.

“It’s not that we don’t trust you… it’s just that we know you prefer Marvel”.  Well… if it helps I’d rather watch Aquaman again than Avengers Infinity War again (I realise I am in the minority in this)

“It’s not that we don’t trust you… it’s just that we know you prefer Marvel”. Well… if it helps I’d rather watch Aquaman again than Avengers Infinity War again (I realise I am in the minority in this)

“I like him. He’s like me, only smaller. “

“I like him. He’s like me, only smaller. “

“Somebody’s putting pineapple on pizza? There’s no greater crime - I’ll be right there!”

“Somebody’s putting pineapple on pizza? There’s no greater crime - I’ll be right there!”

“I hear the Brexit negotiations are going well and it should all be over quickly and painlessly. Also.. which way to France?”

“I hear the Brexit negotiations are going well and it should all be over quickly and painlessly. Also.. which way to France?”

“I LOVE YOU ZACHARY LEVI !!!!” ”He isn’t here yet - you’re shouting at a tree……” ”Oh, okay….. Is it at least a gorgeously handsome tree?”

“I LOVE YOU ZACHARY LEVI !!!!”
”He isn’t here yet - you’re shouting at a tree……”
”Oh, okay….. Is it at least a gorgeously handsome tree?”

“I know he’s the world’s tallest security guard, but why is everyone looking at him and not me?”  - It’s Zachary Levi! He was the voice of Flynn Rider in Disney’s Tangled (which was far superior than the highly overrated Frozen, if you ask me…. which sadly nobody ever does.)

“I know he’s the world’s tallest security guard, but why is everyone looking at him and not me?”
- It’s Zachary Levi! He was the voice of Flynn Rider in Disney’s Tangled (which was far superior than the highly overrated Frozen, if you ask me…. which sadly nobody ever does.)

“He’s behind me, isn’t he?”  - Zachary Levi has done what few people have done - switched from playing a named character in TWO Marvel films (Fandral in the second and third Thor movies) into a lead character in a DC film. Then again, I once worked for Company A, quit to join Company B, left to REJOIN Company A, and then resigned to work on a short term contract for Company B…. and not for more money in all but one case.  (I’m sorry, I heard they were opening a funfair in London somewhere?)

“He’s behind me, isn’t he?” - Zachary Levi has done what few people have done - switched from playing a named character in TWO Marvel films (Fandral in the second and third Thor movies) into a lead character in a DC film. Then again, I once worked for Company A, quit to join Company B, left to REJOIN Company A, and then resigned to work on a short term contract for Company B…. and not for more money in all but one case. (I’m sorry, I heard they were opening a funfair in London somewhere?)

'“I know the cardboard cutout behind is dressed and posed more playfully than I am, but my agent says I need to think about the next role and hey, it could still be Batman, so here I am, dressed like this.”

'“I know the cardboard cutout behind is dressed and posed more playfully than I am, but my agent says I need to think about the next role and hey, it could still be Batman, so here I am, dressed like this.”

“A big hello to all you non-paparazzi people out there in the cold and wristband-less wilderness at this event … all because you didn’t buy DC Merch at Forbidden Planet two days ago. I don’t want to be the one to take the obvious route and say we’re all about taking the “F” out of “FUnfair”, but you’re the real heroes in this scenario.” . Well, I have my pride and my anger. The anger keeps me warm.

“A big hello to all you non-paparazzi people out there in the cold and wristband-less wilderness at this event … all because you didn’t buy DC Merch at Forbidden Planet two days ago. I don’t want to be the one to take the obvious route and say we’re all about taking the “F” out of “FUnfair”, but you’re the real heroes in this scenario.”. Well, I have my pride and my anger. The anger keeps me warm.

“He’s so much more flamboyant than me. I know it’s not the hair… but what IS it??”  - Mark Strong plays (and I’m only guessing here) the villain in this movie (as he has done in DC’s Green Lantern, Kick-Ass and Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes)

“He’s so much more flamboyant than me. I know it’s not the hair… but what IS it??”
- Mark Strong plays (and I’m only guessing here) the villain in this movie (as he has done in DC’s Green Lantern, Kick-Ass and Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes)

“All the coolest people are standing over there” ”Don’t you mean over THERE?” ”Well, yeah… but even if you’re right, it still looks more authoritative when I do it”

“All the coolest people are standing over there”
”Don’t you mean over THERE?”
”Well, yeah… but even if you’re right, it still looks more authoritative when I do it”

And this is why, basically, it’s not a good idea to have the movie’s Hero and Villain posing next to each other at a photo shoot.

And this is why, basically, it’s not a good idea to have the movie’s Hero and Villain posing next to each other at a photo shoot.

“So this uncomfortable silence could go on for a while….”

“So this uncomfortable silence could go on for a while….”

“She’s the nicest person you could possibly drive between us except for that delightful life-sized standee of me standing behind us” ”Enough with the life-sized standee, already….”

“She’s the nicest person you could possibly drive between us except for that delightful life-sized standee of me standing behind us”
”Enough with the life-sized standee, already….”

“But Mark, you promised to repay me those five dollars you still owe me…..” ”And as you can see by my fumbling, my coat doesn’t actually have pockets, Peter”

“But Mark, you promised to repay me those five dollars you still owe me…..”
”And as you can see by my fumbling, my coat doesn’t actually have pockets, Peter”

“Is it wrong that I kind of want the world’s tallest security guard to join us in the photo?” ”….” ”So it’s just me?” ”….” ”Or we could put the lifesized Shazam Standee into our group shot ….?”

“Is it wrong that I kind of want the world’s tallest security guard to join us in the photo?”
”….”
”So it’s just me?”
”….”
”Or we could put the lifesized Shazam Standee into our group shot ….?”

David F. Sandberg’s two most notable directorial gigs to date : the horror/thrillers “Annabelle : Creation” and “Lights Out”. imdb.com has not yet put Shazam! into his top four. A bold call, I suppose.

David F. Sandberg’s two most notable directorial gigs to date : the horror/thrillers “Annabelle : Creation” and “Lights Out”. imdb.com has not yet put Shazam! into his top four. A bold call, I suppose.

Write caption here.

Write caption here.

“Well, we got the “B“ drunk… now we just gotta work on “R”, “E”, “X”, “I” and “T”. “

“Well, we got the “B“ drunk… now we just gotta work on “R”, “E”, “X”, “I” and “T”. “

“That man is looking at your life-size statuette in a way I wouldn’t allow if it was me…”

“That man is looking at your life-size statuette in a way I wouldn’t allow if it was me…”

So, that was that. I spent about 3 hours longer waiting for this event than would have been the case had anyone from security been upfront about when this event started, and given the funfair was open for at least an hour and a half before it was <ahem> “OPENED”, perhaps it’s time to suggest that like the word “premiere”, the fact that the word “opening” seems now to be misunderstood, it’s time we rethought how this weird language is meant to function.

Then again, it’s English. Functionality not guaranteed.
(On which note, off to catch my privatised, deregulated train home if almighty Zeus allows it).

Until next time (possibly tomorrow)

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12 Mar 2019 - 'The White Crow' UK Premiere

March 12th, 2019.

For what I think is only the third time ever, I got a chance to go to a SECOND premiere for a movie that already had a FIRST premiere. In this case, the movie ‘The White Crow’ had a BFI London Film Festival Premiere last October, but today it had its (official?) UK Premiere. The other two times something like this has happened were with “A Little Chaos” and “A Little Chaos” (nb. the second premiere was the better one); and “Their Finest” and “Their Finest” (nb. in that case the first one was the better one).

As for today? Anyone’s guess. Here’s how it went down:

A rare BLACK carpet premiere, and it’s for a movie called “White Crow”. It’s so overt it’s basically covert.

A rare BLACK carpet premiere, and it’s for a movie called “White Crow”. It’s so overt it’s basically covert.

“F**k it. I’m putting a hard border right here. Let’s see anyone try to stop me.”

“F**k it. I’m putting a hard border right here. Let’s see anyone try to stop me.”

The list of attendees for this premiere is quite long and wide, covering every combination of cast, crew, reality TV stars, chefs, choreographers… and Stanley Tucci !

The list of attendees for this premiere is quite long and wide, covering every combination of cast, crew, reality TV stars, chefs, choreographers… and Stanley Tucci !

“I wanna say you’re all too young to appreciate how this scarf recalls the signal test patterns of early televisions… but I’m also too young. So make of it what you will”.  I’m just going to stand here and feel old.

“I wanna say you’re all too young to appreciate how this scarf recalls the signal test patterns of early televisions… but I’m also too young. So make of it what you will”. I’m just going to stand here and feel old.

“It took two different identical focus groups to decide on the optimum number of undone buttons for my shirt. I still think they lowballed by one or two, but nonetheless I accept the decision.”  Oleg Ivenko stars as the titular white crow Rudolf Nureyev in the film.

“It took two different identical focus groups to decide on the optimum number of undone buttons for my shirt. I still think they lowballed by one or two, but nonetheless I accept the decision.”
Oleg Ivenko stars as the titular white crow Rudolf Nureyev in the film.

“Your politicians are voting on a deal to leave the EU and all anyone wants to ask me is about the shoes I’m wearing. Good call - I was hoping they’d be controversial”

“Your politicians are voting on a deal to leave the EU and all anyone wants to ask me is about the shoes I’m wearing. Good call - I was hoping they’d be controversial”

“I’m equal parts relieved and devastated that in my discreet position he doesn’t even notice me…”

“I’m equal parts relieved and devastated that in my discreet position he doesn’t even notice me…”

Oleg Ivenko looks so cool in this picture that I had to entirely remove the reflective bald head of the dude behind him rather than risk it being a distraction. Given my lamentable lack of hair myself, I don’t really feel entirely comfortable with my decision, but damnit I made that call.

Oleg Ivenko looks so cool in this picture that I had to entirely remove the reflective bald head of the dude behind him rather than risk it being a distraction. Given my lamentable lack of hair myself, I don’t really feel entirely comfortable with my decision, but damnit I made that call.

I’m so taken aback by screenwiter David Hare’s expression I can’t actually find a comment to go with it. I mean… I’m wearing one of my better beanies today, and my jacket and jumper combination is quite adequate under the circumstances.

I’m so taken aback by screenwiter David Hare’s expression I can’t actually find a comment to go with it. I mean… I’m wearing one of my better beanies today, and my jacket and jumper combination is quite adequate under the circumstances.

“The only thumbs-up sign I’ve seen that’s more casual than this one is the one Tom Hardy gives in Mad Max Fury Road and I’m deliberately choosing not to contest its superiority. I’m sorry what was the question again?”

“The only thumbs-up sign I’ve seen that’s more casual than this one is the one Tom Hardy gives in Mad Max Fury Road and I’m deliberately choosing not to contest its superiority. I’m sorry what was the question again?”

“Okay, I’ll sign. But if I ever see this on ebay, then I’m telling everyone that I was never in ‘Shakespeare in Love’ - that was my brother”  - Ralph Fiennes both directs and stars in this movie.

“Okay, I’ll sign. But if I ever see this on ebay, then I’m telling everyone that I was never in ‘Shakespeare in Love’ - that was my brother” - Ralph Fiennes both directs and stars in this movie.

“The ‘t’ at the end of ‘Voldermort’ is a silent ‘t’. I’m pretty sure JK confirmed that years ago….”

“The ‘t’ at the end of ‘Voldermort’ is a silent ‘t’. I’m pretty sure JK confirmed that years ago….”

“I’m still looking at you… yes, you with that poster I signed”  Ralph Fiennes is arguably best known for being Voldemort in the Harry Potter films…  and he ‘s also the current incarnation of “M” in the Daniel Craig James Bond films.

“I’m still looking at you… yes, you with that poster I signed”
Ralph Fiennes is arguably best known for being Voldemort in the Harry Potter films… and he ‘s also the current incarnation of “M” in the Daniel Craig James Bond films.

He’s Ralph Fiennes… and you are not. (Unless you actually are Ralph Fiennes, in which case  Welcome to my website, Sir ).

He’s Ralph Fiennes… and you are not. (Unless you actually are Ralph Fiennes, in which case Welcome to my website, Sir).

“This is how all the cool kids wear watches, now that they put the time on mobile phones..”  Special guest at this premiere : Helena Bonham Carter, whose connection with Ralph Fiennes (outside of the possibility that they’re actually friends) is that she was also a death-eater under Voldemort as Bellatrix Lestrange in the Harry Potter films.

“This is how all the cool kids wear watches, now that they put the time on mobile phones..”
Special guest at this premiere : Helena Bonham Carter, whose connection with Ralph Fiennes (outside of the possibility that they’re actually friends) is that she was also a death-eater under Voldemort as Bellatrix Lestrange in the Harry Potter films.

“So you think the Death Eaters lost?  Ha! You obviously haven’t looked too closely at parliament in this country”

“So you think the Death Eaters lost? Ha! You obviously haven’t looked too closely at parliament in this country”

“That’s the smartest question I’ve been asked all day. And the answer is YES. Yes I do want to go inside and have a nice warm tea”

“That’s the smartest question I’ve been asked all day. And the answer is YES. Yes I do want to go inside and have a nice warm tea”

I don’t know who this is, but I feel I need to admit that I don’t wear my beanies quite this stylishly.

I don’t know who this is, but I feel I need to admit that I don’t wear my beanies quite this stylishly.

“You’re right. We absolutely should catch up and talk about beanies and stuff.”  I’m busy most of this week, but sometime late-next week might work?

“You’re right. We absolutely should catch up and talk about beanies and stuff.”
I’m busy most of this week, but sometime late-next week might work?

“And now that I put my glasses back on, maybe people will stop mistaking me for a superhero…”  Stanley Tucci’s superhero credentials are that his character developed the serum that turned Chris Evans into Captain America.

“And now that I put my glasses back on, maybe people will stop mistaking me for a superhero…”
Stanley Tucci’s superhero credentials are that his character developed the serum that turned Chris Evans into Captain America.

“So you kids are holding phones like this to take selfies now? Okay… I’ll make sure to tell all my friends”

“So you kids are holding phones like this to take selfies now? Okay… I’ll make sure to tell all my friends”

It’s Liam Neeson! Again, outside of the possibility that he’s friends with Ralph Fiennes, they both starred in the unlikely duo of “Schindler’s List” and “The Lego Movie” together. (Neeson is the voice of Good Cop/Bad Cop; while Fiennes is the voice of Lego Batman’s butler Aflred)

It’s Liam Neeson! Again, outside of the possibility that he’s friends with Ralph Fiennes, they both starred in the unlikely duo of “Schindler’s List” and “The Lego Movie” together. (Neeson is the voice of Good Cop/Bad Cop; while Fiennes is the voice of Lego Batman’s butler Aflred)

“I was in a Star Wars? I have no idea what you’re talking about…”

“I was in a Star Wars? I have no idea what you’re talking about…”

Some days you get within arm’s length of Liam Neeson… and sometimes your camera’s lens gets even closer. Eye contact not guaranteed, though.

Some days you get within arm’s length of Liam Neeson… and sometimes your camera’s lens gets even closer. Eye contact not guaranteed, though.

Excitingly, now that I know what Eve Delf looks like, it should be slightly easier to answer the question of “who is Eve Delf?”.

Excitingly, now that I know what Eve Delf looks like, it should be slightly easier to answer the question of “who is Eve Delf?”.

“I’m not saying I doubt that you guys are the kind of people who have ever watched Schindler’s List… but I am saying that the complex messages of The Lego Movie might prove somewhat beyond several of you”

“I’m not saying I doubt that you guys are the kind of people who have ever watched Schindler’s List… but I am saying that the complex messages of The Lego Movie might prove somewhat beyond several of you”

“It’s a pretty sweet jacket, yes. And it’s telling me I don’t have to sign autographs for you guys”  The third of three people from the Class Of Harry Potter : it’s Rhys Ifans - he played Luna Lovegood’s dad / The Minister of Magic in the films.

“It’s a pretty sweet jacket, yes. And it’s telling me I don’t have to sign autographs for you guys”
The third of three people from the Class Of Harry Potter : it’s Rhys Ifans - he played Luna Lovegood’s dad / The Minister of Magic in the films.

Rhys Ifans’ imdb credits include such exciting roles as the villain in the Andrew Garfield Amazing Spider-Man movie, a DJ / Rock God in The Boat That Rocked, and the Earl of Oxford in the Shakespeare conspiracy theory movie “Anonymous”… as well as arguably still his most famous role as Hugh Grant’s flatmate in “Notting Hill”

Rhys Ifans’ imdb credits include such exciting roles as the villain in the Andrew Garfield Amazing Spider-Man movie, a DJ / Rock God in The Boat That Rocked, and the Earl of Oxford in the Shakespeare conspiracy theory movie “Anonymous”… as well as arguably still his most famous role as Hugh Grant’s flatmate in “Notting Hill”

“Stop looking at me… especially when my hand is quite obviously answering the question”

“Stop looking at me… especially when my hand is quite obviously answering the question”

“The T-shirt? It’s barely keeping me warm, but it’s not for sale”  - Wayne Sleep is (I believe) a dancer/choreographer.

“The T-shirt? It’s barely keeping me warm, but it’s not for sale” - Wayne Sleep is (I believe) a dancer/choreographer.

“I saw the pretty girl do a pose that went a bit like this and it worked for her… but I probably should have practiced it more…”  - Louis Hofmann is also in this film.

“I saw the pretty girl do a pose that went a bit like this and it worked for her… but I probably should have practiced it more…” - Louis Hofmann is also in this film.

“Okay, I’m done answering questions. Now hand me that sharpie and let me draw a moustache and glasses on every poster featuring Oleg… I don’t care how childish it is, I’ve been wanting to do it all evening.”

“Okay, I’m done answering questions. Now hand me that sharpie and let me draw a moustache and glasses on every poster featuring Oleg… I don’t care how childish it is, I’ve been wanting to do it all evening.”

So.. .that was that. An enjoyable enough chilly evening spent in a small, not-overcrowded pen outside the Curzon Mayfair. Meanwhile, in a country where asking a population that voted 52% to 48% to leave the EU to reconsider that vote over two years later would be a ‘betrayal of Democracy’, a government that was defeated something like 69% to 31% on their Brexit deal in January was allowed to ask substantively the same question in Parliament again, and the result was another large defeat albeit with a shift of 10% just two months later. Ask me again how Democracy works… I forget.

In any event, it’s +1 for The Archive of Premieres… and is that what REALLY matters? (It is)

Until next time!

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