5th September 2019 - The "Fanatical" "World" "Premiere" ("?")

September 5th, 2019.

I’ve only done one prior premiere at the Troxy Cinema in Limehouse, and that was earlier this year for “Once Upon A Time In London”. I found it tricky, to say the least : no outdoor Paparazzi, no dealers, 3+ directions of possible approach, two queues, and a movie starring nobody I could recognise. To say that I was totally out of my depth would be an understatement.

And yet here I was, again at the Troxy, for the premiere of a movie where even the mighty imdb.com has half the cast as grey ‘unknown’ silhouettes. INCLUDING the director. And just to make it slightly more challenging : I decided I’d only use my mobile phone.

With apologies to everyone for not burying this one much deeper down than this if you’re reading it, here’s how it went down:

Welcome to Limehouse, London. Where even the CCTV cameras are Punk. Also, just for once I’m going to preserve the glorious 1.33 : 1 ratio of my phone’s default crop…. rather than re-crop into my preferred black-bar simulated 1.6 : 1 ratio “wide-ish-screen”.

Welcome to Limehouse, London. Where even the CCTV cameras are Punk. Also, just for once I’m going to preserve the glorious 1.33 : 1 ratio of my phone’s default crop…. rather than re-crop into my preferred black-bar simulated 1.6 : 1 ratio “wide-ish-screen”.

The sign to the Troxy is right there outside the train station! (And it’s in a 1930s font that it’s almost impossible to read unless you’re, like, really really old!)

The sign to the Troxy is right there outside the train station! (And it’s in a 1930s font that it’s almost impossible to read unless you’re, like, really really old!)

“No gum in the venue? Fine, I’ll just get my nicotine by smoking inside, then…”

“No gum in the venue? Fine, I’ll just get my nicotine by smoking inside, then…”

Oh, it’s a real premiere alright. I can tell because they don’t want me getting too close.

Oh, it’s a real premiere alright. I can tell because they don’t want me getting too close.

“Make us look famous!” ”I have no idea who you are, and also I’m busy taking a horizontal photo of MYSELF.”

“Make us look famous!”
”I have no idea who you are, and also I’m busy taking a horizontal photo of MYSELF.”

A view of the VIP/Guest queue for the event…. and it’s only now, about a 24 hours later, that I realise that (surely) the stars of the film aren’t going to just stand in line to get into their own premiere. But the OTHER queue is for ticketholders…and they’re not likely to queue there either.

A view of the VIP/Guest queue for the event…. and it’s only now, about a 24 hours later, that I realise that (surely) the stars of the film aren’t going to just stand in line to get into their own premiere. But the OTHER queue is for ticketholders…and they’re not likely to queue there either.

The queue for ticketholders is much more intimidating,to the point where I think security might not even check whether these people actually  have  tickets. Also that man’s beard is amazing.

The queue for ticketholders is much more intimidating,to the point where I think security might not even check whether these people actually have tickets. Also that man’s beard is amazing.

“I notice you’ve got security staff, but no sniffer dogs. Mr Snuffles here can totally do that if you want. I love beer…. I mean…. he loves beer. He would accept that in payment…”

“I notice you’ve got security staff, but no sniffer dogs. Mr Snuffles here can totally do that if you want. I love beer…. I mean…. he loves beer. He would accept that in payment…”

The queue of VIPs has grown. But who is famous, and who is merely important? (and who here is merely somewhat important and getting ideas above their station?)

The queue of VIPs has grown. But who is famous, and who is merely important? (and who here is merely somewhat important and getting ideas above their station?)

Surely “Man With Tattoos And Hat” is famous? (according to wireimage? No. But the lady in the light blue mini-trenchcoat and nuclear green shoes is “Darylle Sargeant”)

Surely “Man With Tattoos And Hat” is famous?
(according to wireimage? No. But the lady in the light blue mini-trenchcoat and nuclear green shoes is “Darylle Sargeant”)

“Okay…Mom. If it’ll get you into this gig, you can totally say you’re my parents.”  Wireimage informs me that this is Kevin Davy White.

“Okay…Mom. If it’ll get you into this gig, you can totally say you’re my parents.”
Wireimage informs me that this is Kevin Davy White.

One uniquely frustrating element of this premiere (besides not knowing who anyone is, why they’re famous, where they’re from, or broadly what I’m doing here) - the position of the sun meant that every photo in one direction bathed everyone in an ugly shade of yellow … and in the OTHER direction…. well…. this.

One uniquely frustrating element of this premiere (besides not knowing who anyone is, why they’re famous, where they’re from, or broadly what I’m doing here) - the position of the sun meant that every photo in one direction bathed everyone in an ugly shade of yellow … and in the OTHER direction…. well…. this.

“Babes, I left home hours ago and I’m just in traffic at the moment. Hold on, I’m just going through a tunnel….” ”That would be easier to believe if I wasn’t walking right behind you Babes”  Per wireimage, the lady in front is Sofia Felipe… sadly wireimage elaborates no further.

“Babes, I left home hours ago and I’m just in traffic at the moment. Hold on, I’m just going through a tunnel….”
”That would be easier to believe if I wasn’t walking right behind you Babes”

Per wireimage, the lady in front is Sofia Felipe… sadly wireimage elaborates no further.

“Me? Just standing here waiting for a bus. The problem is none of you bother to dress up for the little things… that’s why your lives are so boring. My life is an adventure no matter what I do!”  Technically I was photographing the man with the white scarf in the background…but I think I like the philosophy of the man in the foreground even more.

“Me? Just standing here waiting for a bus. The problem is none of you bother to dress up for the little things… that’s why your lives are so boring. My life is an adventure no matter what I do!”
Technically I was photographing the man with the white scarf in the background…but I think I like the philosophy of the man in the foreground even more.

I refuse to believe in the wireimage-ordained lack of fame of this man, so I’m doubling down by putting him in this journal twice. Failing that, though, nice lens flare on the Huawei.

I refuse to believe in the wireimage-ordained lack of fame of this man, so I’m doubling down by putting him in this journal twice. Failing that, though, nice lens flare on the Huawei.

If you think I’m a guy who just takes photos of lightly dressed women walking down the street, I just want to say: Wireimage confirms she’s famous, she’s Talulah Eve, so it’s okay.

If you think I’m a guy who just takes photos of lightly dressed women walking down the street, I just want to say: Wireimage confirms she’s famous, she’s Talulah Eve, so it’s okay.

Sadly for (my) allegations of (my) competence in spotting “famous” people, it’s not the distinguished looking gentleman in the background who’s on wireimage but the….erm…lady in the foreground, who I’m informed is Melissa Howe. The origin of her fame : currently unknown.

Sadly for (my) allegations of (my) competence in spotting “famous” people, it’s not the distinguished looking gentleman in the background who’s on wireimage but the….erm…lady in the foreground, who I’m informed is Melissa Howe. The origin of her fame : currently unknown.

“Is this how the little people of London amuse themselves on a Thursday evening?” ”Apparently so….” ”Well, onwards to the baccarat tournament, Jacques…”

“Is this how the little people of London amuse themselves on a Thursday evening?”
”Apparently so….”
”Well, onwards to the baccarat tournament, Jacques…”

“You came all this way to photograph Little Old Us?”  Well, the Craft Beer place near the station serves Mango Cider on tap, but yeah, sure. Totally because of you.

“You came all this way to photograph Little Old Us?” Well, the Craft Beer place near the station serves Mango Cider on tap, but yeah, sure. Totally because of you.

I feel like my phone sporadically chooses to paint photo with neon crayon for some reason. I kind of like it, but I also feel like I have little/nothing to do with it. Also: that graffiti’d phone box on the left is impinging on my photography like that    blurry dude with the ‘Boss’ T-shirt at this week’s GQ Awards.

I feel like my phone sporadically chooses to paint photo with neon crayon for some reason. I kind of like it, but I also feel like I have little/nothing to do with it. Also: that graffiti’d phone box on the left is impinging on my photography like that blurry dude with the ‘Boss’ T-shirt at this week’s GQ Awards.

The best part about destroying two outfits, one black and one white, and making a new one is that if you think about it… you can make a SECOND new one! You  can do it by using all the parts you didn’t use when making the FIRST new one….

The best part about destroying two outfits, one black and one white, and making a new one is that if you think about it… you can make a SECOND new one! You can do it by using all the parts you didn’t use when making the FIRST new one….

“I’m not turning left just to admire some dude’s hairstyle. Not unless it’s something frikkin’ amazing…”

“I’m not turning left just to admire some dude’s hairstyle. Not unless it’s something frikkin’ amazing…”

Oh, look !It’s…. it’s…. it’s… .erm…. help me, Wireimage!! (it’s Jodie Weston!) (thank you Wireimage!) (also : who is Jodie Weston?)

Oh, look !It’s…. it’s…. it’s… .erm…. help me, Wireimage!! (it’s Jodie Weston!) (thank you Wireimage!) (also : who is Jodie Weston?)

Again, I just want to reassure you, loyal reader, that I’m not just posting photos of random people onto the internet. No… I’m TAKING PHOTOS of random people, and only posting them on the internet when I find out they’re famous… or “famous”, as the case may be. (edited to add : per wireimage, the lady on the left is Alicia Oates) (obviously I don’t know who that is)

Again, I just want to reassure you, loyal reader, that I’m not just posting photos of random people onto the internet. No… I’m TAKING PHOTOS of random people, and only posting them on the internet when I find out they’re famous… or “famous”, as the case may be. (edited to add : per wireimage, the lady on the left is Alicia Oates) (obviously I don’t know who that is)

“They said ‘   dress formal’    but they didn’t say from which century in the future!!“

“They said ‘dress formal’ but they didn’t say from which century in the future!!“

“Well, YEAH it’s a bear trap. And… NO, I’m not disabling it. That’s what it’s THERE for!”

“Well, YEAH it’s a bear trap. And… NO, I’m not disabling it. That’s what it’s THERE for!”

I think it’s disgusting how graffiti-riddled that phonebooth on the left is, and I hope nothing else in this photo detracts from my dismay at the antisocial behaviour of those who deface public utilities like that.

I think it’s disgusting how graffiti-riddled that phonebooth on the left is, and I hope nothing else in this photo detracts from my dismay at the antisocial behaviour of those who deface public utilities like that.

I am not unaware that as at this point I have been unable to verify anybody I’ve photographed is involved in the production of, let alone actually IN the movie. So this is a throw of the dice : because there’s at least three people on wireimage that got photographed wearing a jacket and shirt with no tie, and at least one of them is bald. So…. if I’m lucky…. 1, 2 or 3 of these guys are in the movie. (And I’m not going to check, because I don’t want it to be zero)

I am not unaware that as at this point I have been unable to verify anybody I’ve photographed is involved in the production of, let alone actually IN the movie. So this is a throw of the dice : because there’s at least three people on wireimage that got photographed wearing a jacket and shirt with no tie, and at least one of them is bald. So…. if I’m lucky…. 1, 2 or 3 of these guys are in the movie. (And I’m not going to check, because I don’t want it to be zero)

Because it’s a Troxy Premiere, baby.

Because it’s a Troxy Premiere, baby.

So… did I really just photograph a premiere (no… a WORLD PREMIERE) without capturing a single person in the movie? Well… erm… yeah. It would seem so. In my (partial) defence, according to imdb, the movie has eight (8) credited stars, and five (5) of them have grey silhouettes as their profile picture, and overall only four (4) showed up.

Also, I think anecdotally they were inside the cinema at the time the doors opened (and I/we were there close to half an hour before that).

But… erm…. yeah. Probably one of those premieres I’m glad I can hide in a near-600 entry Archive where it’s unlikely to be found!

.. until next time!!

On the off-chance you’re interested in whether I continue to follow the path of noble humiliation over competence, feel free to follow me on facebook, or twitter, or perhaps see if I’m ever around the Troxy, looking for that second rematch I’m itching for to claw back some credibility!

Notes : this was a tough one, at least in part because of the mobile phone. Not necessarily because the phone wasn’t good (though it was highly erratic) - no, because I wasn’t anonymous at this premiere, which is what I’m used to. Behind a “full sized” camera, I feel pretty invisible, and also I think if you shoot with a larger camera, people (even the people you’re photographing) feel like “oh, you’re taking photos” with some level of importance.

But taking a photo of strangers with a mobile phone feels weird, possibly even more invasive than with a DSLR. Mobiles are used to take photos of meals, and the foam hearts on coffee, and dogs, and ‘unimportant’ everyday things. Standing on a roadside, using a mobile phone to shoot passersby? That seems intrusive and weird, and harder to justify.

I’m not sure I liked it…. but it might have been worth it to find out that I didn’t like it.

This man smiled and posed at my mobile phone! I don’t know who he is, but thank you, Sir!!

This man smiled and posed at my mobile phone! I don’t know who he is, but thank you, Sir!!