7 Jul 2019 - The 'Horrible Histories : The Movie' World Premiere

July 7th, 2019.

For the second Sunday in a row (and with a third yet to come, perhaps), London paid host to a premiere - not just a premiere, though, but a WORLD PREMIERE. And it was for a movie that, near as I can tell, is related to a book series / TV Series, and also part of London Comedy festival…. something BIG, in other words.

Here’s how it went down…

For those having attended Pride the prior day, the presence of daylight and a hell of a hangover might not have been a reminder of what time of day it was.

For those having attended Pride the prior day, the presence of daylight and a hell of a hangover might not have been a reminder of what time of day it was.

Well, it’s a World Premiere, so the presence of less than 10 people with less than an hour to go, and the absence of a red carpet or barriers or wristbands all seems pretty much normal thanks to the fine efforts of studios like Disney who have totally warped what a WORLD PREMIERE is.  Still.. I’m here. And there ARE two imitation Roman columns under the ‘Home of Premieres’

Well, it’s a World Premiere, so the presence of less than 10 people with less than an hour to go, and the absence of a red carpet or barriers or wristbands all seems pretty much normal thanks to the fine efforts of studios like Disney who have totally warped what a WORLD PREMIERE is.

Still.. I’m here. And there ARE two imitation Roman columns under the ‘Home of Premieres’

“The Romans DID have iPhones, Terry. Just not the newer models…”  Upstairs, through the glass, Centurions and peasant wenches get changed into quasi-historically accurate costumes.

“The Romans DID have iPhones, Terry. Just not the newer models…”
Upstairs, through the glass, Centurions and peasant wenches get changed into quasi-historically accurate costumes.

Remarkably, in light of the lack of carpet, wristbands, barriers and even most of the Grade-A dealers you look to in order to give an event a certain legitimacy, there IS a list, and it’s not bad.

Remarkably, in light of the lack of carpet, wristbands, barriers and even most of the Grade-A dealers you look to in order to give an event a certain legitimacy, there IS a list, and it’s not bad.

“I know it says ‘World Premiere’, Judy. But I’ve been stung before”  Only complex post-event assistance revealed this to be puppeteer Andy Heath.

“I know it says ‘World Premiere’, Judy. But I’ve been stung before”
Only complex post-event assistance revealed this to be puppeteer Andy Heath.

“Now I want you to testify in front of the live twitter stream that we won’t have a repeat of what happened last time.”  The mammal with a human’s hand up its… erm… has subsequently been identified as one  Hacker T.Dog .

“Now I want you to testify in front of the live twitter stream that we won’t have a repeat of what happened last time.” The mammal with a human’s hand up its… erm… has subsequently been identified as one Hacker T.Dog.

“On behalf of my ancestors, who were primarily Irish and Welsh, I still wish to state how offensive I find this movie’s title and what it implies about that great civilisation”  I don’t want to alarm any historians, but I believe there’s a character called “Fartacus” in the film.

“On behalf of my ancestors, who were primarily Irish and Welsh, I still wish to state how offensive I find this movie’s title and what it implies about that great civilisation”
I don’t want to alarm any historians, but I believe there’s a character called “Fartacus” in the film.

Sanjeev Bhaskar is best known for any number of things on British Television that I have not seen, and was in the movie “Yesterday” whose premiere I missed, and is in this movie in an unspecified role. (The pink suitcase in the background is of uncertain purpose.)

Sanjeev Bhaskar is best known for any number of things on British Television that I have not seen, and was in the movie “Yesterday” whose premiere I missed, and is in this movie in an unspecified role. (The pink suitcase in the background is of uncertain purpose.)

“If they’d been considerate, they would’ve let me keep that hard-hat I took….”  Like Sanjeev Bhaskar, Tony Gardner has an impressively long imdb entry that features many roles in British Television series I’ve never heard of, let alone seen. Lest there be any doubt, I haven’t had a Television License for years now, and I take my Not Watching British Television very seriously.

“If they’d been considerate, they would’ve let me keep that hard-hat I took….”
Like Sanjeev Bhaskar, Tony Gardner has an impressively long imdb entry that features many roles in British Television series I’ve never heard of, let alone seen. Lest there be any doubt, I haven’t had a Television License for years now, and I take my Not Watching British Television very seriously.

I have no idea what the majority of attendees at this premiere look like, but every now and then I take a chance on a particularly interestingly-dressed arrival, even if they’re just walking along a regular London footpath. But it turns out this is Sebastian Croft, who is in this movie AND played Young Ned Stark in two episodes of the recently-concluded Game of Thrones.

I have no idea what the majority of attendees at this premiere look like, but every now and then I take a chance on a particularly interestingly-dressed arrival, even if they’re just walking along a regular London footpath. But it turns out this is Sebastian Croft, who is in this movie AND played Young Ned Stark in two episodes of the recently-concluded Game of Thrones.

“Touch that neckline, and what I can do with my open palm on a person’s back will suddenly become very apparent”  - Sebastian Croft plays the role of “Atti” in the movie.

“Touch that neckline, and what I can do with my open palm on a person’s back will suddenly become very apparent” - Sebastian Croft plays the role of “Atti” in the movie.

“I love your jacket - which is why I didn’t press charges when you stole it from me since all it truly revealed your good taste!”  Rather ironically, Sarah Hadland (who has no role in this movie but has been a voice in the TV Series) attended this premiere while last week’s    “The Queen’s Corgi”    had no human attendees, and she provided the voice of “Mitzi” in it.

“I love your jacket - which is why I didn’t press charges when you stole it from me since all it truly revealed your good taste!” Rather ironically, Sarah Hadland (who has no role in this movie but has been a voice in the TV Series) attended this premiere while last week’s “The Queen’s Corgi” had no human attendees, and she provided the voice of “Mitzi” in it.

“Listen - if you haven’t got time to sign an autograph, could you at least endorse the religion I’m starting? I ask because I’m one of only ten people who know the name of the character you played in the movie “Bad Neighbours” and you don’t want the number to increase, do you? ” - Craig Roberts is in this movie, and I last photographed him at the premiere of the biopic “   Tolkien   ” this year.

“Listen - if you haven’t got time to sign an autograph, could you at least endorse the religion I’m starting? I ask because I’m one of only ten people who know the name of the character you played in the movie “Bad Neighbours” and you don’t want the number to increase, do you?” - Craig Roberts is in this movie, and I last photographed him at the premiere of the biopic “Tolkien” this year.

“Don’t become the eleventh person to call me that, Bruv”.  Craig Roberts plays the role of Nero in the film.

“Don’t become the eleventh person to call me that, Bruv”.
Craig Roberts plays the role of Nero in the film.

“What are they? Good question, but the answer is not half as interesting as how I’m keeping them attached to my t-shirt and the difficulty with which I expect to have taking them off later”

“What are they? Good question, but the answer is not half as interesting as how I’m keeping them attached to my t-shirt and the difficulty with which I expect to have taking them off later”

Martin Brown was an attendee at this premiere important enough to be identified on wireimage (and I photographed him mainly on the strength of his excellent t-shirt) - but I’m not aware of him having any connection to this film. Except the t-shirt, which of course is excellent.

Martin Brown was an attendee at this premiere important enough to be identified on wireimage (and I photographed him mainly on the strength of his excellent t-shirt) - but I’m not aware of him having any connection to this film. Except the t-shirt, which of course is excellent.

It’s Warwick Davis! He’s been in four mainline Star Wars movies (eps 1, 6, 7 and 8 - all as different characters!), AND Rogue One and Solo (as two additionally different characters!) (AND two Ewok Adventure films as the same character) … AND he was in all EIGHT Harry Potter films (as two different characters!). (By coincidence, today is the ten year anniversary of the    World Premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince   , where I was unable to photograph him)

It’s Warwick Davis! He’s been in four mainline Star Wars movies (eps 1, 6, 7 and 8 - all as different characters!), AND Rogue One and Solo (as two additionally different characters!) (AND two Ewok Adventure films as the same character) … AND he was in all EIGHT Harry Potter films (as two different characters!).
(By coincidence, today is the ten year anniversary of the World Premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, where I was unable to photograph him)

“Wait… is photo I’m autographing printed on top of a CONTRACT I’m signing? Because I dispute several of these terms!”

“Wait… is photo I’m autographing printed on top of a CONTRACT I’m signing? Because I dispute several of these terms!”

“I enjoyed many of the insults, actually”  - Rupert Graves played the somewhat hapless Inspector Lastrade across 14 episodes of the ‘Sherlock’ TV Series AND was also (perhaps even more importantly) in the excellent 2005 movie ‘V for Vendetta’.

“I enjoyed many of the insults, actually” - Rupert Graves played the somewhat hapless Inspector Lastrade across 14 episodes of the ‘Sherlock’ TV Series AND was also (perhaps even more importantly) in the excellent 2005 movie ‘V for Vendetta’.

“Yes, but if it’s pronounced “Vee Vee Vendetta” in German, doesn’t it lose a lot of impact?” ”Well, the movie was released in 2005 so if it did the reverberations will have lessened by now”  Rupert Graves plays the role of Paulinus in this movie… and I’ve just found out he was in the movie    “Swimming With Men”    which I photographed and am not sure he attended.

“Yes, but if it’s pronounced “Vee Vee Vendetta” in German, doesn’t it lose a lot of impact?”
”Well, the movie was released in 2005 so if it did the reverberations will have lessened by now”
Rupert Graves plays the role of Paulinus in this movie… and I’ve just found out he was in the movie “Swimming With Men” which I photographed and am not sure he attended.

“I’m wearing the camouflage so I can sneak in, and I’ve got the ticket in case that fails… How is that plan not completely obvious??”

“I’m wearing the camouflage so I can sneak in, and I’ve got the ticket in case that fails… How is that plan not completely obvious??”

“If anyone tries to sneak anything into anything I will absolutely ensure they fail. On a separate and possibly related note, does anyone know how to turn up the brightness on these transitions lenses? I’m scared to move in case I trip over anything in the darkness”

“If anyone tries to sneak anything into anything I will absolutely ensure they fail. On a separate and possibly related note, does anyone know how to turn up the brightness on these transitions lenses? I’m scared to move in case I trip over anything in the darkness”

Kate Nash is possibly better known as a singer than actress, but she plays the role of Boudicca in the film. And given the current unlikelihood of Jared Leto ever playing The Joker again, he might even let her keep the hair colour.

Kate Nash is possibly better known as a singer than actress, but she plays the role of Boudicca in the film. And given the current unlikelihood of Jared Leto ever playing The Joker again, he might even let her keep the hair colour.

“I’m more than my hair. Can you say the same?”  Given I have so little of it under my LA-cap, I can only hope so.

“I’m more than my hair. Can you say the same?”
Given I have so little of it under my LA-cap, I can only hope so.

Alexander Armstrong is in the cast of this movie in an unspecified capacity, but a look on imdb reveals the surprising fact that he’s been in two Woody Allen-directed movies that starred Scarlett Johansson (Scoop and Match Point). My feud with that actress, pretty though she might be, continues. And I assume she’s aware of it AND knows why.

Alexander Armstrong is in the cast of this movie in an unspecified capacity, but a look on imdb reveals the surprising fact that he’s been in two Woody Allen-directed movies that starred Scarlett Johansson (Scoop and Match Point). My feud with that actress, pretty though she might be, continues. And I assume she’s aware of it AND knows why.

“On these things? I’m listening to Taylor Swift.” ”Oh.” ”It keeps me focussed on my work….” ”… I didn’t ask.”

“On these things? I’m listening to Taylor Swift.”
”Oh.”
”It keeps me focussed on my work….”
”… I didn’t ask.”

“That’s how Keanu is looking these days? Well… I stand corrected”

“That’s how Keanu is looking these days? Well… I stand corrected”

“They told me to stay in the outfield. So I took a tube from Lord’s and kept going further until they told me to stop. I don’t think they like me.”

“They told me to stay in the outfield. So I took a tube from Lord’s and kept going further until they told me to stop. I don’t think they like me.”

“I dream of standing here, a view of the mighty Thames before me” ”But Sir, that would require the leveling of whole blocks of London as well as two rail stations!” ”It’s a dream that I intend to make happen, Jeffries. Also… please don’t tell anyone about my dream.”  Lee Mack is a comedian, and is in this film.

“I dream of standing here, a view of the mighty Thames before me”
”But Sir, that would require the leveling of whole blocks of London as well as two rail stations!”
”It’s a dream that I intend to make happen, Jeffries. Also… please don’t tell anyone about my dream.”

Lee Mack is a comedian, and is in this film.

“Next time you see me, my suit jacket will be made of the same material as that lady’s blouse. Also, you should photograph this guy. He’s ace”  While I have a fairly unique name and no degree of personal fame, this well known comedian bravely labours in the entertainment industry weighed down by having the name Will Smith.

“Next time you see me, my suit jacket will be made of the same material as that lady’s blouse. Also, you should photograph this guy. He’s ace”
While I have a fairly unique name and no degree of personal fame, this well known comedian bravely labours in the entertainment industry weighed down by having the name Will Smith.

Dominique Moore is in this movie as “Traveller”, and also in 18eps of the TV show with no specific role except the enigmatic “various”. The man behind her, possibly like me, is wondering why his browser is running so slow these days. (Isn’t the internet meant to be getting faster?)

Dominique Moore is in this movie as “Traveller”, and also in 18eps of the TV show with no specific role except the enigmatic “various”. The man behind her, possibly like me, is wondering why his browser is running so slow these days. (Isn’t the internet meant to be getting faster?)

Jo Joyner is apparently in Eastenders, a show I have never watched.

Jo Joyner is apparently in Eastenders, a show I have never watched.

“But why does history have to be horrible? And why do Romans have to be Rotten? And what alliterative defamation will they unleash upon the Greeks, Egyptians, and Spartans?”  The precise nature of the fame of Victoria Clay eludes me, but a quick Google Image search provides certain clues…

“But why does history have to be horrible? And why do Romans have to be Rotten? And what alliterative defamation will they unleash upon the Greeks, Egyptians, and Spartans?” The precise nature of the fame of Victoria Clay eludes me, but a quick Google Image search provides certain clues…

“I’m wearing my Beret as a tribute to you! A TRIBUTE! It’s not a judgement!!”  Paul Whitehouse’s fame seems to stem from Comedy - he’s been in such films as    The Death of Stalin   ,    Alice in Wonderland    (and    its sequel   ) as The March Hare, and    Mortdecai    - none of which I recall photographing him at, but I did at the premiere of    “Dying Laughing”   .

“I’m wearing my Beret as a tribute to you! A TRIBUTE! It’s not a judgement!!”
Paul Whitehouse’s fame seems to stem from Comedy - he’s been in such films as The Death of Stalin, Alice in Wonderland (and its sequel) as The March Hare, and Mortdecai - none of which I recall photographing him at, but I did at the premiere of “Dying Laughing”.

“Me? Just standing here looking pretty. You? Presumably not doing the same”  Harsh. Also, I don’t know who this is.

“Me? Just standing here looking pretty. You? Presumably not doing the same”
Harsh. Also, I don’t know who this is.

“Hey, I love your blog and how the quotes attributed to people are always actively misleading and untrue!”  Alex Mcqueen is in this movie, but like many of its stars does so in a capacity where their character(s) remain unnamed.

“Hey, I love your blog and how the quotes attributed to people are always actively misleading and untrue!” Alex Mcqueen is in this movie, but like many of its stars does so in a capacity where their character(s) remain unnamed.

“I’m not actually the actor Jonah Hill. My name’s Steve, and I’m from Woking. But okay, I’ll pose”

“I’m not actually the actor Jonah Hill. My name’s Steve, and I’m from Woking. But okay, I’ll pose”

So that was that. It was a big premiere in spite of the negligible setup, kind of chaotic, filled with people with a great an impressive history mainly in British television that I missed mainly because I don’t watch TV. And it’s the third of three premieres I’ve attended that have taken place on a Sunday, and the next…. probably next Sunday. But that’s in the future - all I/we ever have is today, and that means today I can add +1 to the Archive of Premieres.

Until next time!

ps. if you want to know when I post one of these increasingly strained premiere journals, feel free to follow me on facebook at premieresdotco, or twitter at berndt2_photo.