15 Apr 2019 - The 'Once Upon A Time In London' Premiere

April 15th, 2019.

After the insult that was Marvel’s attempt to convince anyone that their “fan screening” for Avengers <Yawn> Endgame wasn’t mainly for industry insiders and an online audience they could convince it was A Really Big Deal, it’s nice to get out and about and find myself at… erm….

(where the hell am I, and what the hell is a LIMEHOUSE and a TROXY?)

Turns out it’s all real. Here’s how it went down, with apologies for the length of this one… because like the Oliviers I didn’t know much about what was going on and who I was photographing....

It’s the Troxy! And until officially tweeted and told otherwise, it’s named after the former Marxist Revolutionary Leon Trotsky, after a tragic spelling mistake and an improper understanding of the Russian Cyrillic alphabet.

It’s the Troxy! And until officially tweeted and told otherwise, it’s named after the former Marxist Revolutionary Leon Trotsky, after a tragic spelling mistake and an improper understanding of the Russian Cyrillic alphabet.

I don’t specifically know for sure that this is a rough area, but at the same time I’m glad I’m shooting this mainly on the Pentax… because surely even the local crims know that’s got no real resale value… right??

I don’t specifically know for sure that this is a rough area, but at the same time I’m glad I’m shooting this mainly on the Pentax… because surely even the local crims know that’s got no real resale value… right??

Meanwhile, next to the cinema…. Gangster Tours. The front logo is of a knuckleduster, and right now I’m wondering how on Earth I could defend myself if I’m approached in a threatening manner by any of the locals, whether it’s an 80 year old woman carrying her groceries or something even more dangerous.

Meanwhile, next to the cinema…. Gangster Tours. The front logo is of a knuckleduster, and right now I’m wondering how on Earth I could defend myself if I’m approached in a threatening manner by any of the locals, whether it’s an 80 year old woman carrying her groceries or something even more dangerous.

The movie is “Once Upon A Time In London” and though I can see a few buildings I recognise in the far distance, and I was able to make purchases at a local establishment using British Currency, I have to admit I feel like a bit of an outsider here. You know…. beyond merely being outside…. the cinema I’m outside of.

The movie is “Once Upon A Time In London” and though I can see a few buildings I recognise in the far distance, and I was able to make purchases at a local establishment using British Currency, I have to admit I feel like a bit of an outsider here. You know…. beyond merely being outside…. the cinema I’m outside of.

Are they gangstas? independent businessmen? random guests? designated deliverers of the message to Slammin’ Steve that the outstanding money had better be repaid promptly if his kneecaps are still of value to him? It’s hard to say. But I’m avoiding eye-contact, and praying my camera’s shutter is silent enough.

Are they gangstas? independent businessmen? random guests? designated deliverers of the message to Slammin’ Steve that the outstanding money had better be repaid promptly if his kneecaps are still of value to him? It’s hard to say. But I’m avoiding eye-contact, and praying my camera’s shutter is silent enough.

“Let’s just say that when I say “Yo, Bruv” in a totally innocuous fashion, I don’t expect to have my motives questioned…okay, Bruv?”

“Let’s just say that when I say “Yo, Bruv” in a totally innocuous fashion, I don’t expect to have my motives questioned…okay, Bruv?”

Wireimage suggests that the man in the white jacket might be Dave Courtney, but this is probably the kind of event where it’s unwise to misidentify anyone. So this is… uh…. erm….

Wireimage suggests that the man in the white jacket might be Dave Courtney, but this is probably the kind of event where it’s unwise to misidentify anyone. So this is… uh…. erm….

I feel like every photo at this premiere should be edited with the grittiest, grainiest filter possible… but that would totally destroy the cool lens flares I’m getting in this picture. And gritty or not, a man has to have principles… and lens flares.

I feel like every photo at this premiere should be edited with the grittiest, grainiest filter possible… but that would totally destroy the cool lens flares I’m getting in this picture. And gritty or not, a man has to have principles… and lens flares.

“Don’t ask what’s in the bag. Or what I’m doing here. Or why I have a bodyguard standing across the road from me. Any of those things could result in extreme…    are you PHOTOGRAPHING ME??   ”  Me? No. Not at all. And I also don’t have a website and a blog that’s tagged with this movie’s name, with enough personally identifying information to make it somewhat easy for a suitably motivated crime syndicate to track me down….. at all.

“Don’t ask what’s in the bag. Or what I’m doing here. Or why I have a bodyguard standing across the road from me. Any of those things could result in extreme… are you PHOTOGRAPHING ME??
Me? No. Not at all. And I also don’t have a website and a blog that’s tagged with this movie’s name, with enough personally identifying information to make it somewhat easy for a suitably motivated crime syndicate to track me down….. at all.

“I just realised if we’d worn gold bling, bright sneakers and angled baseball caps rather than grey skintight dresses, we’d be a whole lot less obtrusive”  I believe the lady on the left is Laura Carter, but further information is not forthcoming and at this premiere I’m unwilling to do much research in case it causes people with baseball bats to come to my house, gently urging me to drop my “investigations”.

“I just realised if we’d worn gold bling, bright sneakers and angled baseball caps rather than grey skintight dresses, we’d be a whole lot less obtrusive”
I believe the lady on the left is Laura Carter, but further information is not forthcoming and at this premiere I’m unwilling to do much research in case it causes people with baseball bats to come to my house, gently urging me to drop my “investigations”.

“You eyeballin’ me, Mister?” - erm. No. Just got something in my eye.

“You eyeballin’ me, Mister?”- erm. No. Just got something in my eye.

“Great. Now how am I supposed to press the shutter button??”

“Great. Now how am I supposed to press the shutter button??”

Photography at this event involves stars and/or celebs and/or guests and/or locals walking their dogs coming from either direction on a wide footpath, where views of them can be blocked by guests, security, photographers, or other locals walking their dogs or carrying their shopping home. This man, Dominic Keating, is actually in this movie… and he came from a third direction : across the road.

Photography at this event involves stars and/or celebs and/or guests and/or locals walking their dogs coming from either direction on a wide footpath, where views of them can be blocked by guests, security, photographers, or other locals walking their dogs or carrying their shopping home.
This man, Dominic Keating, is actually in this movie… and he came from a third direction : across the road.

“They told me to come, and “dress undercover” - but as who? and for what?”  - fittingly, neither I nor the mighty wireimage.com can identify this man. (edited to add : I now know this man’s name (thanks, Paul!!) - but out of respect for his desire to remain undercover I will not reveal it… except in Pig Latin, which is of course indecipherable outside of quantum computing realms : he’s   Gimon Sross  )

“They told me to come, and “dress undercover” - but as who? and for what?”
- fittingly, neither I nor the mighty wireimage.com can identify this man.
(edited to add : I now know this man’s name (thanks, Paul!!) - but out of respect for his desire to remain undercover I will not reveal it… except in Pig Latin, which is of course indecipherable outside of quantum computing realms : he’s Gimon Sross)

The   ‘No Chewing Gum Policy’   stand-off enters its critical third hour. Songs shall be written about it and sung in Grand Alehouses…. as soon as the Limehouse area is properly gentrified and people start feeling safe enough to build Grand Alehouses.

The ‘No Chewing Gum Policy’ stand-off enters its critical third hour. Songs shall be written about it and sung in Grand Alehouses…. as soon as the Limehouse area is properly gentrified and people start feeling safe enough to build Grand Alehouses.

“You don’t know who I am? Good… and let’s keep it that way”  … but is it okay if I make inquiries as to how to get one of those ties?

“You don’t know who I am? Good… and let’s keep it that way”
… but is it okay if I make inquiries as to how to get one of those ties?

A combination of wireimage, imdb and the fact that I’d never leave a man wearing that jacket unphotographed, means I’ve photographed Kem Croft - who is IN THIS MOVIE!!

A combination of wireimage, imdb and the fact that I’d never leave a man wearing that jacket unphotographed, means I’ve photographed Kem Croft - who is IN THIS MOVIE!!

You know, in retrospect, I’m not sure I should have photographed, much less uploaded, whatever financial transactions(s) may or may not be taking place in this photo. I’m sure somebody just owes somebody some money from the last time they bought a pizza and softdrinks for the group.

You know, in retrospect, I’m not sure I should have photographed, much less uploaded, whatever financial transactions(s) may or may not be taking place in this photo. I’m sure somebody just owes somebody some money from the last time they bought a pizza and softdrinks for the group.

I just got gang-signed by a man wearing tweed, and I feel pretty good about it.

I just got gang-signed by a man wearing tweed, and I feel pretty good about it.

“I’m not saying I want it, but I’m saying that, like, if you have a spare one …?”

“I’m not saying I want it, but I’m saying that, like, if you have a spare one …?”

I don’t know who Nadia Forde is. Or why that man in the background is looking so glum. I mean.. sure, I’d NEVER have worn a suit and tie to this event if I had a leather jacket and neck tattoos handy instead, but that’s a mistake he can hopefully bounce back from.

I don’t know who Nadia Forde is. Or why that man in the background is looking so glum. I mean.. sure, I’d NEVER have worn a suit and tie to this event if I had a leather jacket and neck tattoos handy instead, but that’s a mistake he can hopefully bounce back from.

“You were saying something about suits and ties?”  Well… not if they’re accompanied by sunglasses. Those make all the difference. Also, he’s Leo Gregory and he’s in the movie!!

“You were saying something about suits and ties?”
Well… not if they’re accompanied by sunglasses. Those make all the difference. Also, he’s Leo Gregory and he’s in the movie!!

“Well, if I have to stand here and watch the whole episode of Game of Thrones like this, then so be it…”

“Well, if I have to stand here and watch the whole episode of Game of Thrones like this, then so be it…”

I’m not saying that smoking IS cool, I’m just saying it LOOKS cool.

I’m not saying that smoking IS cool, I’m just saying it LOOKS cool.

I don’t know who the guy on the left is, but he indicated I should take this photo, and even if all I had on me was a sketchpad and a biro, I’d have somehow tried to make it work…

I don’t know who the guy on the left is, but he indicated I should take this photo, and even if all I had on me was a sketchpad and a biro, I’d have somehow tried to make it work…

“You’d better put this on your damn blog, man!!”  If that’s what he meant, I don’t know if that’s a threat, or, like, irony, but today I feel it’s important to know which…

“You’d better put this on your damn blog, man!!”
If that’s what he meant, I don’t know if that’s a threat, or, like, irony, but today I feel it’s important to know which…

Not the weirdest thing I’ve seen today. Move along.

Not the weirdest thing I’ve seen today. Move along.

“And you’re certain I have to stay within the lines? Okay… Imma try…”  - strangely, although nobody on the mighty wireimage.com seems to have photographed her, I believe this is Holly Earl, who is in this movie.

“And you’re certain I have to stay within the lines? Okay… Imma try…” - strangely, although nobody on the mighty wireimage.com seems to have photographed her, I believe this is Holly Earl, who is in this movie.

“Thanks, you too.” ”What did he say to you?” ”I have no idea. But it’s my go-to response”

“Thanks, you too.”
”What did he say to you?”
”I have no idea. But it’s my go-to response”

This is probably still more gangsta than anything in my summer wardrobe.

This is probably still more gangsta than anything in my summer wardrobe.

“Okay, but how do they get the picture so small?”   I believe the man on the left is Terry Stone - one of the writers of this movie.

“Okay, but how do they get the picture so small?”
I believe the man on the left is Terry Stone - one of the writers of this movie.

Regardless of the tense negotiations going on between these two gentlemen, I believe the lady in the back is Victoria Clay, who I recognise only because she was at the premiere of  “Welcome to Curiosity”  last year… I think? Hold on while I check..

Regardless of the tense negotiations going on between these two gentlemen, I believe the lady in the back is Victoria Clay, who I recognise only because she was at the premiere of “Welcome to Curiosity” last year… I think? Hold on while I check..

“I don’t care about the new Star Wars trailer, Jerry….”

“I don’t care about the new Star Wars trailer, Jerry….”

“Of course, all this would be a lot cooler if the flavour wasn’t caramel candy-floss”

“Of course, all this would be a lot cooler if the flavour wasn’t caramel candy-floss”

“Is anything the matter, Madam?” ”Yeah, that lady over there is wearing the same neck tattoo I am….” ”Is there anything I can do?” ”Yeah, call an ambulance - I’m about to settle this with a knife fight…”

“Is anything the matter, Madam?”
”Yeah, that lady over there is wearing the same neck tattoo I am….”
”Is there anything I can do?”
”Yeah, call an ambulance - I’m about to settle this with a knife fight…”

Good news. The red carpet (aka. sidewalk) has gotten a bit quieter, so I can now photograph passing dogs.

Good news. The red carpet (aka. sidewalk) has gotten a bit quieter, so I can now photograph passing dogs.

“Just because I’m coming from this direction doesn’t mean I’m Batman, ladies, but it also doesn’t mean that I’m not, if you know what I mean…”

“Just because I’m coming from this direction doesn’t mean I’m Batman, ladies, but it also doesn’t mean that I’m not, if you know what I mean…”

Scoff as much as you like, but I bet at least half of these people have an instagram following that’s bigger than yours. Or all of them, in the case of mine.

Scoff as much as you like, but I bet at least half of these people have an instagram following that’s bigger than yours. Or all of them, in the case of mine.

“Oh, no. I’m young, pretty and wearing a dress like this and I’ve been surrounded by Paparazzi whose photos of me will only increase my profile. Whatever shall I do??”  Obviously I have no idea who this is.

“Oh, no. I’m young, pretty and wearing a dress like this and I’ve been surrounded by Paparazzi whose photos of me will only increase my profile. Whatever shall I do??” Obviously I have no idea who this is.

“Please tell me I’m not too late to be Fashionably Late to this premiere….”

“Please tell me I’m not too late to be Fashionably Late to this premiere….”

“And yet I’m still stealing something from your purse, somehow, ma’am”  - it’s Billy Murray! As legally distinct from Bill Murray, who is also an actor.

“And yet I’m still stealing something from your purse, somehow, ma’am” - it’s Billy Murray! As legally distinct from Bill Murray, who is also an actor.

“And as I slowly increase the pressure on your shoulder and start getting the bones to grind against each other, your inclination to offer to let me keep your phone will increase…”  Jamie O’Hara is in this movie, playing the role of “Grinning Mike”

“And as I slowly increase the pressure on your shoulder and start getting the bones to grind against each other, your inclination to offer to let me keep your phone will increase…”
Jamie O’Hara is in this movie, playing the role of “Grinning Mike”

“Do you think they serve champagne and caviar in there?” ”I think there’s a better chance of finding some in the alley behind the place…”  Sun’s sure getting low, and I’m not saying I’m scared to be here, I’m just saying I'd better find my way back to civilisation. Or the safety and opulence of that alley behind the place.

“Do you think they serve champagne and caviar in there?”
”I think there’s a better chance of finding some in the alley behind the place…”

Sun’s sure getting low, and I’m not saying I’m scared to be here, I’m just saying I'd better find my way back to civilisation. Or the safety and opulence of that alley behind the place.

So… that was that. It was weird, I felt massively out of place, and it made me question what I’m doing with my life. It’s kind of exactly the same as Avengers Endgame last week… except this time people were at least nice about me being there.

And believe me, that makes a difference even when it’s just another +1 to the Archive of Premieres.

Until next time!

ps. Feel free to follow me (unless you’re very scary) on facebook at premieresdotco, or on twitter at berndt2_photo.