18 Feb 2019 - 'The Aftermath' 'World' 'Premiere'

February 18th, 2019.

Premieres at the Picturehouse Central are never an easy affair, since they’re often difficult to distinguish from a small riot of people shouting at other people in a dingey, tiled alleway that if you’re lucky is filled with construction debris, and if you’re less lucky is filled with the kind of thing most cafes request you ask staff for the key to so you can have some privacy.

I’d been there just one day earlier (as a paying customer no less) for a 30th Anniversary Screening of ‘Batman (1989)’ But hey, if they’re holding a WORLD PREMIERE one day later, I’m sure it’ll all go awesomely. Here’s how it went down:

A pile of media accreditation lanyards sits in front of me, mocking me. They feel close enough to grab one, but sadly they’re behind glass.

A pile of media accreditation lanyards sits in front of me, mocking me. They feel close enough to grab one, but sadly they’re behind glass.

“The Aftermath (2019)”   - not to be mistaken for “The Aftermath (1982)” or “Aftermath (2012)”, “or Aftermath (2014)”, or “Aftermath (2016)” or even “Aftermath (2017)” (The Arnold Schwarzennegger zombie daughter film) stars Keira Knightley. I don’t know what it’s about or what happens in the film, but I gather from the title it’s more about what happens after something happens.

“The Aftermath (2019)” - not to be mistaken for “The Aftermath (1982)” or “Aftermath (2012)”, “or Aftermath (2014)”, or “Aftermath (2016)” or even “Aftermath (2017)” (The Arnold Schwarzennegger zombie daughter film) stars Keira Knightley. I don’t know what it’s about or what happens in the film, but I gather from the title it’s more about what happens after something happens.

My position is in the third row of a pen, and I gave up a spot in the second row of the  other  pen to be here. Mainly because it has a view of the stairs leading up (not that any photographer has ever EVERY asked a star to pose at the midpoint, which the stairs would be perfect for), and also because of the small sliver of view to the right that might just give me a view of the interview / posing area. Unless… you know.. .they put a giant f**king pot plant there to block my view….

My position is in the third row of a pen, and I gave up a spot in the second row of the other pen to be here. Mainly because it has a view of the stairs leading up (not that any photographer has ever EVERY asked a star to pose at the midpoint, which the stairs would be perfect for), and also because of the small sliver of view to the right that might just give me a view of the interview / posing area. Unless… you know.. .they put a giant f**king pot plant there to block my view….

“Did somebody order a giant f**king potplant?”  only just my own sense of inevitability.

“Did somebody order a giant f**king potplant?” only just my own sense of inevitability.

“I hear Keira Knightley can clear it in a single bound” ”Even in heels?” ”Well.. she can clear it without stopping”

“I hear Keira Knightley can clear it in a single bound”
”Even in heels?”
”Well.. she can clear it without stopping”

“Wait… that’s a REFLECTION of a cameraman standing right where I’m standing!”

“Wait… that’s a REFLECTION of a cameraman standing right where I’m standing!”

Stood there, looked pretty, left, came back wearing a boyfriend and something considerably skimpier…. it’s all very glamorous.

Stood there, looked pretty, left, came back wearing a boyfriend and something considerably skimpier…. it’s all very glamorous.

It’s Alexander Skarsgard! I think I last photographed him at another Picturehouse Central premiere that went slightly worse than this one - for    “War On Everyone”   , a movie I liken to staying at a hotel where they put you in subhuman accommodation, rob you and punch you in the face daily, and the best you’re allowed to do is leave a negative review on tripadvisor.

It’s Alexander Skarsgard! I think I last photographed him at another Picturehouse Central premiere that went slightly worse than this one - for “War On Everyone”, a movie I liken to staying at a hotel where they put you in subhuman accommodation, rob you and punch you in the face daily, and the best you’re allowed to do is leave a negative review on tripadvisor.

Alexander Skarsgard only signed on the Autograph Dealer side, declining to head over to where the normal(ish) people were. It’s an odd choice, but some people swear by it.

Alexander Skarsgard only signed on the Autograph Dealer side, declining to head over to where the normal(ish) people were. It’s an odd choice, but some people swear by it.

I have no idea who this is - possibly Kate Phillips - not only did she only sign for the Dealer Pen, but she didn’t even look in the direction of the pen I was in before heading inside. I mean… feel free to choose your friends, lady… but feel free to be judged by that criteria.

I have no idea who this is - possibly Kate Phillips - not only did she only sign for the Dealer Pen, but she didn’t even look in the direction of the pen I was in before heading inside. I mean… feel free to choose your friends, lady… but feel free to be judged by that criteria.

“Wouldn’t you rather I stare dreamily into your eyes than sign a lined notepad you’ll probably later write your shopping list on?”  Jason Clarke, meanwhile, is a gentleman of the highest order - signing and posing for selfies on both sides of the red carpet.

“Wouldn’t you rather I stare dreamily into your eyes than sign a lined notepad you’ll probably later write your shopping list on?” Jason Clarke, meanwhile, is a gentleman of the highest order - signing and posing for selfies on both sides of the red carpet.

“Okay… I asked a genuine question, and you emphatically gave a genuine answer, and I can only respect that”  - Jason Clarke’s imdb entry is quite long and impressive, but I’ve photographed him only once before, at    the premiere of “Mudbound”   ., back in 2017.

“Okay… I asked a genuine question, and you emphatically gave a genuine answer, and I can only respect that” - Jason Clarke’s imdb entry is quite long and impressive, but I’ve photographed him only once before, at the premiere of “Mudbound”., back in 2017.

“Okay, I gotta go in, but if anyone wants my autograph, feel free to copy it from the lady over here. Just don’t misuse the privilege I’m giving to you all, okay?”

“Okay, I gotta go in, but if anyone wants my autograph, feel free to copy it from the lady over here. Just don’t misuse the privilege I’m giving to you all, okay?”

“You guys are all right - say hi to Keira for me when she rushes in….. oh, who am I kidding, you won’t even have time to finish the sentence from the time she arrives”

“You guys are all right - say hi to Keira for me when she rushes in….. oh, who am I kidding, you won’t even have time to finish the sentence from the time she arrives”

OMG it’s Keira Knightley!! And she’s only running about 15 minutes later!!

OMG it’s Keira Knightley!! And she’s only running about 15 minutes later!!

“Hey, Miss Knightley, Jason Clarke says to s…..”   As predicted,   she made it in before I had time to finish the sentence.

“Hey, Miss Knightley, Jason Clarke says to s…..”
As predicted, she made it in before I had time to finish the sentence.

Not so much an attempt to photograph Alexander Skarsgard (I photographed him properly at    “The Legend of Tarzan”    back in 2016) but an attempt to see what I might have to do in order to photograph Keira Knightley when she gets interviewed.  Fronds ahoy,  basically.

Not so much an attempt to photograph Alexander Skarsgard (I photographed him properly at “The Legend of Tarzan” back in 2016) but an attempt to see what I might have to do in order to photograph Keira Knightley when she gets interviewed. Fronds ahoy, basically.

“ “Fronds Ahoy”? Has anyone trademarked that? I’d start a tie brand, myself…”

“ “Fronds Ahoy”? Has anyone trademarked that? I’d start a tie brand, myself…”

Jason Clarke and impending botanical takeover.

Jason Clarke and impending botanical takeover.

Well THIS certainly isn’t bringing back all the…

Well THIS certainly isn’t bringing back all the…

…bad memories of 2018’s    “Colette” premiere   …

…bad memories of 2018’s “Colette” premiere

“Shoot me through plant fronds? Why would anyone be so desperate to do that, and yet not be desperate enough to just apply for a press pass??”  - good question.   Something Something ‘Art’, Baby.

“Shoot me through plant fronds? Why would anyone be so desperate to do that, and yet not be desperate enough to just apply for a press pass??” - good question. Something Something ‘Art’, Baby.

I’m shooting with the Pentax, but even the Nikon would take two shots to focus on Keira Knightley after she cleared the plant. Problem is, it’s only one shot until the dude in the middle slips in front of her, blocking her from all view, and needless to say Ms Knightley does not stop, or pause, or turn around as she heads up the stairs. World Premiere, they’re calling it.

I’m shooting with the Pentax, but even the Nikon would take two shots to focus on Keira Knightley after she cleared the plant. Problem is, it’s only one shot until the dude in the middle slips in front of her, blocking her from all view, and needless to say Ms Knightley does not stop, or pause, or turn around as she heads up the stairs. World Premiere, they’re calling it.

… I’m a pessimist, but that’s no reason to stop shooting - I keep tracking Keira Knightley as she gets to the top, and turns right. I kinda like this shot.

… I’m a pessimist, but that’s no reason to stop shooting - I keep tracking Keira Knightley as she gets to the top, and turns right. I kinda like this shot.

So… time to head back to the apartment and pretend that never happened. A “World Premiere” were 2 of 4 attendees didn’t even face half the crowd, a third only glanced at it, and one person happily signed.

But the flowers were exquisite, and it’s +1 for the Archive of Premieres, which is something. If you’re a fan of disappointment, free follow me on facebook, or follow me on twitter

Oh, and to the three people I carelessly barged through on the way to the window after Keira Knightley went in, I am sorry for my rudeness - in my partial defence I am used to people at premieres actively trying to get photos/selfies/autographs (which you weren’t), or to improve their position in the pen (which you weren’t), or leaving (which you weren’t) - thus confused by an unmoving cluster of three people, I moved hastily and roughly in whichever one of in/through/around seemed to work. In retribution, one of you then deliberately nudged me off my step-stool to which I said nothing, after which I was confronted about my rudeness to which I responded with noncommittal brusqueness.

I’m not a social person. Until next time!

24hrs earlier….

“Who’d care about an aftermath when you can have THE MAIN EVENT?”   From left to right - John Evans (Special Effects Supervisor, ‘Batman (1989)’), Terry Ackland-Snow (Art Director, ‘Batman (1989)’), Eddy Joseph (Sound Editor, ‘Batman (1989)’), Chris Kenny (Co-Producer, ‘Batman (1989)’), and interviewer.

“Who’d care about an aftermath when you can have THE MAIN EVENT?”
From left to right - John Evans (Special Effects Supervisor, ‘Batman (1989)’), Terry Ackland-Snow (Art Director, ‘Batman (1989)’), Eddy Joseph (Sound Editor, ‘Batman (1989)’), Chris Kenny (Co-Producer, ‘Batman (1989)’), and interviewer.