3rd Oct 2019 - The BFI LFF 'The King' premiere

October 3rd, 2019.

If there are two words (one containing an accent) that are guaranteed to ensure that a 6:40 arrival at Leicester Square will only get you #71 on a list to get into a premiere…. they are surely Timothée and Chalamet.

Last year, at the BFI LFF premiere for ‘Beautiful Boy’ I so massively underestimated the size of his fandom that I had to shoot the premiere FROM OUTSIDE THE PREMIERE as I couldn’t get in. The other time I photographed him was again outside the event - not his fault that time - it was this year’s BAFTAs, where he was the Arrival who spent the most time with fans before even going INTO the event.

But.. like I said….. this time I had access. Here’s how it went down:

I don’t care if it’s set in mediaeval times… if this is not an Elvis Presley biopic I think I’ll be disappointed.

I don’t care if it’s set in mediaeval times… if this is not an Elvis Presley biopic I think I’ll be disappointed.

It’s hard to be a king. It’s even harder to be the poster of a king, one supposes.

It’s hard to be a king. It’s even harder to be the poster of a king, one supposes.

Timothee Chalamet is still hours away, but the merest thought of his arrival has already begun to take its toll.

Timothee Chalamet is still hours away, but the merest thought of his arrival has already begun to take its toll.

“What’sa matter, boy? Something suspicious?”  <translated from canine>  “I just can’t believe a human can be THAT dreamy…”  Although the fans around me seemed nice enough, for now I was making sure they know I meant Timothee Chalamet, the object of their affection, no harm, no matter how cynical my web journals tend to be.

“What’sa matter, boy? Something suspicious?”
<translated from canine> “I just can’t believe a human can be THAT dreamy…”
Although the fans around me seemed nice enough, for now I was making sure they know I meant Timothee Chalamet, the object of their affection, no harm, no matter how cynical my web journals tend to be.

“What do you mean he’s not on the list?? How can he NOT be on the list?? he HAS to be on the list!! My cousins are going to literally kill me if he doesn’t attend!!” ”The list has a second page to it, Janice…”

“What do you mean he’s not on the list?? How can he NOT be on the list?? he HAS to be on the list!! My cousins are going to literally kill me if he doesn’t attend!!”
”The list has a second page to it, Janice…”

“These humans be CRAZY!”

“These humans be CRAZY!”

The event has started, and those loud excited screams you’re hearing are a false positive. The man with the glasses is Nicholas Britell, the composer - who has two Oscar nominations to his name, for 2018s ‘If Beale Street Could Talk’ and 2016’s ‘Moonlight’

The event has started, and those loud excited screams you’re hearing are a false positive. The man with the glasses is Nicholas Britell, the composer - who has two Oscar nominations to his name, for 2018s ‘If Beale Street Could Talk’ and 2016’s ‘Moonlight’

“I think the safest place for you to go to avoid the madness is… well… possibly the Burger King across the square, quite frankly” ”Not yet, Sarah. First I need to investigate precisely what note that woman’s lustful screams are. It’s a pitch I’m not familiar with, nor its roll, nor its yaw even. That’s an aeronautics joke, Sarah” ”I know, Nicholas.”

“I think the safest place for you to go to avoid the madness is… well… possibly the Burger King across the square, quite frankly”
”Not yet, Sarah. First I need to investigate precisely what note that woman’s lustful screams are. It’s a pitch I’m not familiar with, nor its roll, nor its yaw even. That’s an aeronautics joke, Sarah”
”I know, Nicholas.”

“What was it like working with Timothee? Why does everyone keep asking me that? Even his PARENTS asked me that!!”  - David Michod is the director (and co-writer) of this film

“What was it like working with Timothee? Why does everyone keep asking me that? Even his PARENTS asked me that!!” - David Michod is the director (and co-writer) of this film

“Light Rain? In London? Despite the forecasts? Well…. good luck trying to get home after this”  Thomasin McKenzie is this film, as well as Taika Waititi’s “JoJo Rabbit”, which is also set to have a BFI London Film Festival Premere this year. And she’s not wrong about the trains. My a55hole train company had another meltdown this evening, because .. oh, who the fuck cares what today’s excuse is . Fuck you Govie Thameslink and the execrable systems that allow you to f&amp;&amp;king claim you can run a train franchise despite all subsequent evidence suggesting you shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near anything more dangerous than f&amp;&amp;king crayon.

“Light Rain? In London? Despite the forecasts? Well…. good luck trying to get home after this”
Thomasin McKenzie is this film, as well as Taika Waititi’s “JoJo Rabbit”, which is also set to have a BFI London Film Festival Premere this year. And she’s not wrong about the trains. My a55hole train company had another meltdown this evening, because ..oh, who the fuck cares what today’s excuse is. Fuck you Govie Thameslink and the execrable systems that allow you to f&&king claim you can run a train franchise despite all subsequent evidence suggesting you shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near anything more dangerous than f&&king crayon.

If you’re a… well, I don’t know what the collective noun for ‘The Followers Of Chalamet’ is… you will already know that this friendly looking gentleman is   “ Brian “  , and Brian is the man you call over if you want to give a gift to Timothee Chalamet, which Brian will take from you and place in bags for Mr Chalamet to look at later. My first thought at this veered heavily to The Cynical, but he came over just as it was starting to rain, and the bags were kept under dry cover…. and all the fans knew him by name! So… well done, Brian!

If you’re a… well, I don’t know what the collective noun for ‘The Followers Of Chalamet’ is… you will already know that this friendly looking gentleman is “ Brian “, and Brian is the man you call over if you want to give a gift to Timothee Chalamet, which Brian will take from you and place in bags for Mr Chalamet to look at later. My first thought at this veered heavily to The Cynical, but he came over just as it was starting to rain, and the bags were kept under dry cover…. and all the fans knew him by name! So… well done, Brian!

“I have my own ‘Brian’. He’s me. Please feel free to give me things. If you feel the need. No pressure.”  Tom Glynn-Carney is best know for having been in the Christopher Nolan movie    ‘Dunkirk’    and the JRR Tolkien biopic    “Tolkien”    which had its premiere earlier this year.

“I have my own ‘Brian’. He’s me. Please feel free to give me things. If you feel the need. No pressure.”
Tom Glynn-Carney is best know for having been in the Christopher Nolan movie ‘Dunkirk’ and the JRR Tolkien biopic “Tolkien” which had its premiere earlier this year.

“I worked with him! He was so dreamy!”  Thomasin Harcourt McKenzie seems nice, though she didn’t really sign in our area. And to be fair, she might have been talking about Ben Mendelsohn, who I’m sure (being Australian) is very nice to work with. Perhaps he’s even dreamy.

“I worked with him! He was so dreamy!”
Thomasin Harcourt McKenzie seems nice, though she didn’t really sign in our area. And to be fair, she might have been talking about Ben Mendelsohn, who I’m sure (being Australian) is very nice to work with. Perhaps he’s even dreamy.

Lily Rose Depp. She might have signed a bit, but she bypassed our immediate area and was never NOT blocked by security, attendants and red carpet guests unwilling to leave the red carpet.

Lily Rose Depp. She might have signed a bit, but she bypassed our immediate area and was never NOT blocked by security, attendants and red carpet guests unwilling to leave the red carpet.

“I can see that in spite of your pleasant politeness… it’s not me you’re really here to see..”  Lily Rose-Depp has not been acting for long enough for her top 2 imdb ‘best known for’ films not to be a pair of Kevin Smith movies. There’s a double negative there… sorry about that.

“I can see that in spite of your pleasant politeness… it’s not me you’re really here to see..”
Lily Rose-Depp has not been acting for long enough for her top 2 imdb ‘best known for’ films not to be a pair of Kevin Smith movies. There’s a double negative there… sorry about that.

You know… you have to take these photos just in case they end up becoming the best photos you get of Timothee Chalamet. Meanwhile, the desperate calls for him to resume signing would put many levels of alternative human desperation to some shame.

You know… you have to take these photos just in case they end up becoming the best photos you get of Timothee Chalamet. Meanwhile, the desperate calls for him to resume signing would put many levels of alternative human desperation to some shame.

Ben Mendelsohn knows that there is a minimum safe distance from the charismatic magnetism of Timothee Chalamet and he seems determinated to avoid it.

Ben Mendelsohn knows that there is a minimum safe distance from the charismatic magnetism of Timothee Chalamet and he seems determinated to avoid it.

Timothee Chalamet has returned to do more signing and posing!! Actually full credit to him, near as I can tell Timothee Chalamet LITERALLY signed and/or posed and/or hugged absolutely ever person in the line that wanted him to. (You want to know about me? Erm.. more on that later)

Timothee Chalamet has returned to do more signing and posing!! Actually full credit to him, near as I can tell Timothee Chalamet LITERALLY signed and/or posed and/or hugged absolutely ever person in the line that wanted him to. (You want to know about me? Erm.. more on that later)

“It’s what I do! I’m like Batman, only sparklier and without a mask!”

“It’s what I do! I’m like Batman, only sparklier and without a mask!”

“They really do love him. I wonder if all that energy could be harnessed, for a clean-burning renewable alternative energy source… or maybe a superweapon….”  Australia’s own Joel Edgerton is both actor and co-writer of this movie. I’ve only previously photograhped him at the premiere of    “Exodus : Gods and Kings”

“They really do love him. I wonder if all that energy could be harnessed, for a clean-burning renewable alternative energy source… or maybe a superweapon….”
Australia’s own Joel Edgerton is both actor and co-writer of this movie. I’ve only previously photograhped him at the premiere of “Exodus : Gods and Kings”

Timothee Chalamet is two people from me, and ordinarily I’d be feeling a wave of autograph dealers press up behind me ready to wash over me with dozens of things to get signed… but everything’s eerily calm and relaxed, almost as if Chalamet is the ANTI-DEALER vaccine or something.

Timothee Chalamet is two people from me, and ordinarily I’d be feeling a wave of autograph dealers press up behind me ready to wash over me with dozens of things to get signed… but everything’s eerily calm and relaxed, almost as if Chalamet is the ANTI-DEALER vaccine or something.

“The guy behind me? He’s actually a really sweet guy. Well… in saying that I should point out that it’s his job to surgically remove people from their arms if they threaten or impinge even slightly upon my safety. So basically he’s nice to ME….”  Timothee Chalamet, unaccountably…. is now one person away from me. And I feel strangely fine.

“The guy behind me? He’s actually a really sweet guy. Well… in saying that I should point out that it’s his job to surgically remove people from their arms if they threaten or impinge even slightly upon my safety. So basically he’s nice to ME….”
Timothee Chalamet, unaccountably…. is now one person away from me. And I feel strangely fine.

Timothee Chalamet is turning.. HE IS TURNING!! He signed my BFI LFF program (his photo is on the back inside cover, and he autographed that) (yes, of course it’s for sale. tweet me with serious offers, Ladies!)

Timothee Chalamet is turning.. HE IS TURNING!!
He signed my BFI LFF program (his photo is on the back inside cover, and he autographed that)
(yes, of course it’s for sale. tweet me with serious offers, Ladies!)

“If Security, Timothee’s bodyguard, and Brian let you… you should totally come over here and check out what’s on this lady’s phone”  - for all his typecasting for playing villains (eg. Krennick in ‘Star Wars : Rogue One’, Sorrento in Spielberg’s    ‘Ready Player One   ’, the not-quite-baddie Talos in ‘Captain Marvel’, and the Sheriff of Nottingham in 2018’s ‘Robin Hood’, and even the skeevy Daggett in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’), Ben Mendelsohn actually come across as a charming and friendly guy. … though the fan of movie writing in me suggests that all the best villains are.

“If Security, Timothee’s bodyguard, and Brian let you… you should totally come over here and check out what’s on this lady’s phone” - for all his typecasting for playing villains (eg. Krennick in ‘Star Wars : Rogue One’, Sorrento in Spielberg’s ‘Ready Player One’, the not-quite-baddie Talos in ‘Captain Marvel’, and the Sheriff of Nottingham in 2018’s ‘Robin Hood’, and even the skeevy Daggett in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’), Ben Mendelsohn actually come across as a charming and friendly guy. … though the fan of movie writing in me suggests that all the best villains are.

“I believe this is how kids hold their mobile phones these days? And now I just have to walk 1/3 slower than usual and not look up when I walk? I’ll do that, then… will that make me cool?”  No… but it’ll make it 40% more likely that when I finally snap (and I will finally snap) that I’ll one day grab your f&amp;&amp;king phone and throw it onto the road if you block my way because you can’t be assed to NOT tweet or instagram or text while walking on a busy footpath.

“I believe this is how kids hold their mobile phones these days? And now I just have to walk 1/3 slower than usual and not look up when I walk? I’ll do that, then… will that make me cool?”
No… but it’ll make it 40% more likely that when I finally snap (and I will finally snap) that I’ll one day grab your f&&king phone and throw it onto the road if you block my way because you can’t be assed to NOT tweet or instagram or text while walking on a busy footpath.

Timothee Chalamet begins to wave goodbye in our direction, and the lady behind him seems only mildly excited about being so close to him without riot barriers between him and her.

Timothee Chalamet begins to wave goodbye in our direction, and the lady behind him seems only mildly excited about being so close to him without riot barriers between him and her.

“She’s checking out his ass and she likes what she sees!!”  remarked my friend standing next to me. And I was like  “Dude, no…. women don’t objectify men like that…”

“She’s checking out his ass and she likes what she sees!!” remarked my friend standing next to me.
And I was like “Dude, no…. women don’t objectify men like that…”

Turns out women objectify men like that.

Turns out women objectify men like that.

“Just want to let you know, smoking does not make you look cool. Unless you look like me when you smoke, in which case smoking will make you look as cool as me when I’m smoking”  Despite the moronic risks involved in staying back after the cast has entered the premiere (not so much that it’ll take a long time for them to leave, but just because every second you’re not running for a train on my line you risk the utter shambolic self-destruction of the whole evening timetable on grounds ranging from ‘I think a leaf fell on a sidewalk in Dagenham’ to ‘I hear Timothee Chalamet is in town’)

“Just want to let you know, smoking does not make you look cool. Unless you look like me when you smoke, in which case smoking will make you look as cool as me when I’m smoking”
Despite the moronic risks involved in staying back after the cast has entered the premiere (not so much that it’ll take a long time for them to leave, but just because every second you’re not running for a train on my line you risk the utter shambolic self-destruction of the whole evening timetable on grounds ranging from ‘I think a leaf fell on a sidewalk in Dagenham’ to ‘I hear Timothee Chalamet is in town’)

Thomasin Harcourt McKenzie exits the cinema… but I kind of want to get a photo of Lily Rose Depp. No offense, Ms McKenzie.

Thomasin Harcourt McKenzie exits the cinema… but I kind of want to get a photo of Lily Rose Depp. No offense, Ms McKenzie.

“You’re still here, waiting for one more glimpse of Chalamet to tide you over during the cold and dark months? Well… can’t say I blame you. Good luck…”

“You’re still here, waiting for one more glimpse of Chalamet to tide you over during the cold and dark months? Well… can’t say I blame you. Good luck…”

And tho I didst glance upon heralded visage of Chalamet one more time… I feel it’s time to leave this journal here. It’s late, and there’s still 10 more days of this to go.

Until next time!

+1 for the Archive of premieres, follow me on facebook, follow me on twitter, follow me on instagram (somehow)…and thanks for the fans of Timothee Chalamet at this event : they made it a lot of fun,they were excited, they kept the dealers at bay… and I gotta say the object of their affection was a genuinely nice guy.

…….

……Of course it took me longer than usual to get home. Trains north were leaving from another platform and taking all stations to get there. Keep Calm and You Get This Kind Of Shit….. so stop being calm, I say.