16 Jun 2019 - The 'Toy Story 4' Prem-meh

June 16th, 2019.

Keen readers of this website (and there are a couple in Russia, I think…. bots, perhaps, but I consider them loyal) might have, over the years, have detected a slight anti-Disney bias in amongst these journals. And sure, maybe it’s because that company often hosts. closed. premieres, and mislabels. events, and hides stars behind curtains at fan events, limits wristbands to tiny numbers. (twice.)…. and somehow gives every indication of being a company that wants all the media attention of having a premiere without… you know… the actual matter of HAVING a premiere.

Today they managed it again, with one of the laziest, lamest events ever to carry the label “European Premiere” I can remember. And if Disney can’t be bothered to host a proper event, I can’t be bothered to write a proper journal. Still gonna post it of course… where else am I going to whine about it!

So here’s how I wasted my day :) …

Oh, and “наслаждайтесь, товарищи! “
(Google Translate tells me that’s how you write “enjoy, comrades!” in Russian).

I got in at 8am, got myself wristband #89 and was told to come back at 12noon. About 90minutes later, they loaded the pens and I found myself in the second row of a wash of people for this European Premiere. One ominous thing : usually the screens tell you who’s going to show up at the premiere (you know… to build up hype)…. but not at this one. I wonder what that might mean.

I got in at 8am, got myself wristband #89 and was told to come back at 12noon. About 90minutes later, they loaded the pens and I found myself in the second row of a wash of people for this European Premiere. One ominous thing : usually the screens tell you who’s going to show up at the premiere (you know… to build up hype)…. but not at this one. I wonder what that might mean.

Hand-written sign for your media company?  Eh… looks legit.

Hand-written sign for your media company? Eh… looks legit.

“Everything’s got an attitude, and everyone’s got an opinion”

“Everything’s got an attitude, and everyone’s got an opinion”

“You’re Rag’n’Bone Man? What’re you up to these days?” ”Working on my new Album…” ”And how’s that going?” ”Honestly, I don’t even know who’s buying albums anymore. I think everyone just streams stuff for free now and I’m not really sure how or if I’m making any money.”

“You’re Rag’n’Bone Man? What’re you up to these days?”
”Working on my new Album…”
”And how’s that going?”
”Honestly, I don’t even know who’s buying albums anymore. I think everyone just streams stuff for free now and I’m not really sure how or if I’m making any money.”

And so, with the pre-amble done, I’m going to do the rest of the premiere with all the care and professionalism and fan-focussed efficiency of a Disney European Premiere.

So the premiere has started, I’m kind of near dropoff and this is one of the producers of the film. I don’t know his name , or rather I don’t remember it and I can’t be bothered to go on imdb.com to check. I could be bothered to check wireimage, but they didn’t list him as having attended. Neat.

So the premiere has started, I’m kind of near dropoff and this is one of the producers of the film. I don’t know his name , or rather I don’t remember it and I can’t be bothered to go on imdb.com to check. I could be bothered to check wireimage, but they didn’t list him as having attended. Neat.

Another one of the film’s producers. I’m going to say his name is “Steve”. He looks like he’d rock the name “Steve”.

Another one of the film’s producers. I’m going to say his name is “Steve”. He looks like he’d rock the name “Steve”.

Actually I have nothing negative to say about Director Josh Cooley… except I wish I could have seen more of his cool pixar-themed shirt. But I don’t believe he signed for fans in the pens who were calling out for him. Or at least not as far as I saw. And he didn’t get interviewed in front of where we were standing.

Actually I have nothing negative to say about Director Josh Cooley… except I wish I could have seen more of his cool pixar-themed shirt. But I don’t believe he signed for fans in the pens who were calling out for him. Or at least not as far as I saw. And he didn’t get interviewed in front of where we were standing.

Keanu Reeves couldn’t make it to this event (or… you know… never intended to attend) but he wrote this note on a piece of paper. Or, rather somebody else did. (The point is : Hello!)

Keanu Reeves couldn’t make it to this event (or… you know… never intended to attend) but he wrote this note on a piece of paper. Or, rather somebody else did. (The point is : Hello!)

Did I say Keanu Reeves wasn’t attending? Well… perhaps in spirit he was.

Did I say Keanu Reeves wasn’t attending? Well… perhaps in spirit he was.

“Hey, you’re right. It says “Comment Trademark and Copyright Disney” after every line of dialogue!!!”

“Hey, you’re right. It says “Comment Trademark and Copyright Disney” after every line of dialogue!!!”

According to various sources, Tim Allen (the voice of Buzz Lightyear) was actually IN London, and was set to attend this premiere. But he didn’t. Don’t know why. This isn’t Tim Allen, by the way. Or at least I don’t think so. But if you scroll up further, you’ll recall I might have photographed Keanu Reeves.

According to various sources, Tim Allen (the voice of Buzz Lightyear) was actually IN London, and was set to attend this premiere. But he didn’t. Don’t know why. This isn’t Tim Allen, by the way. Or at least I don’t think so. But if you scroll up further, you’ll recall I might have photographed Keanu Reeves.

“Is anything happening?” ”Well, it’s a Disney premiere, so not really…. “

“Is anything happening?”
”Well, it’s a Disney premiere, so not really…. “

“Wait… is that Keanu Reeves?”

“Wait… is that Keanu Reeves?”

Oh, come on. It’s not like I have anything better to photograph. We’re almost 30mins into the premiere and the only cast member is running late.

Oh, come on. It’s not like I have anything better to photograph. We’re almost 30mins into the premiere and the only cast member is running late.

“I don’t really know why you’re surprised.”  - It’s Chris Ecclestone, former Doctor Who (and the villain in the Nic Cage classic ‘Gone in Sixty Seconds’, if you remember that)

“I don’t really know why you’re surprised.” - It’s Chris Ecclestone, former Doctor Who (and the villain in the Nic Cage classic ‘Gone in Sixty Seconds’, if you remember that)

It’s Thomas Hanks!! I think he played a volleyballing dentist in a movie set on a desert island. I forget what it’s called. Also he was in that movie about the shrimp fisherman who went to the moon. Or something. Won some Oscars. Or maybe a golden globe or grammy.

It’s Thomas Hanks!! I think he played a volleyballing dentist in a movie set on a desert island. I forget what it’s called. Also he was in that movie about the shrimp fisherman who went to the moon. Or something. Won some Oscars. Or maybe a golden globe or grammy.

Thom Henks signed for people at immediate dropoff (who had some of the highest-numbered wristbans), waved, then went to pose for photos, did interviews, signed a bit for the kids near the stage, and was interviewed with his back to 90% of the audience at the event (but facing the people who came last to the event). But I’m not bitter. It’s a Disney premiere and I haven’t actually been spat on.

Thom Henks signed for people at immediate dropoff (who had some of the highest-numbered wristbans), waved, then went to pose for photos, did interviews, signed a bit for the kids near the stage, and was interviewed with his back to 90% of the audience at the event (but facing the people who came last to the event). But I’m not bitter. It’s a Disney premiere and I haven’t actually been spat on.

“Could he come a bit closer? I have an audition at three o’clock, and it’s almost three fifteen….”

“Could he come a bit closer? I have an audition at three o’clock, and it’s almost three fifteen….”

“And count yourself lucky I don’t have even MORE assistants blocking views of me!”  Well, you gotta say yes to more assistants, especially if you’re offered them.

“And count yourself lucky I don’t have even MORE assistants blocking views of me!”
Well, you gotta say yes to more assistants, especially if you’re offered them.

“I’m supposed to pose next to this thing? I dunno… it s hands look a bit grabby….”

“I’m supposed to pose next to this thing? I dunno… it s hands look a bit grabby….”

“I can see through almost everyone…. but where’s Tom Hanks?”

“I can see through almost everyone…. but where’s Tom Hanks?”

“I dunno. Make your own movies and organise your own premieres for them if they mean that much to you, I guess?”

“I dunno. Make your own movies and organise your own premieres for them if they mean that much to you, I guess?”

“I’d love to say that Tim Allen, Keanu Reeves, Annie Potts, Christina Hendricks, Patricia Arquette, Jordan Peele, Timothy Dalton, Betty White, Mel Brooks, Wallace Shawn, Joan Cusack, John Ratzenberger, Tony Hale, Carl Weathers, Bonnie Hunt and Kristen Schaal wanted to be here today for this EUROPEAN PREMIERE…. but I’m going to let this sentence trail off and hope you forget how it started…… Still, enjoy the movie!!”

“I’d love to say that Tim Allen, Keanu Reeves, Annie Potts, Christina Hendricks, Patricia Arquette, Jordan Peele, Timothy Dalton, Betty White, Mel Brooks, Wallace Shawn, Joan Cusack, John Ratzenberger, Tony Hale, Carl Weathers, Bonnie Hunt and Kristen Schaal wanted to be here today for this EUROPEAN PREMIERE…. but I’m going to let this sentence trail off and hope you forget how it started…… Still, enjoy the movie!!”

Maybe it’s the bitterness talking, but I think Forky<TM> is extending his middle finger??

Maybe it’s the bitterness talking, but I think Forky<TM> is extending his middle finger??

“And Eye Cayme Orl Za Weigh From Paree For Zis??”  Hey, I came all the way from St Albans for this. And St Albans is PLEASANT!

“And Eye Cayme Orl Za Weigh From Paree For Zis??”
Hey, I came all the way from St Albans for this. And St Albans is PLEASANT!

So…that was some kind of thing. Call it a European Premiere if you want, Disney. Call it a World Premiere, call it a “We Love Our Fans” Event, digitally insert Keanu Reeves and Tim Allen into the promo photos using whatever digital effects you feel are necessary…. I don’t care. You’re a billion dollar company, and clearly you can do whatever you want.

Although it was an afternoon premiere, I didn’t stay try to take better photos of Tom Hanks leaving the cinema. I figured I’d better leave before Disney’s agents opened fire on people, or whatever it is they do when they want them to clear out, and/or buy movie tickets based on goodwill created by having a European Premiere.

Peace out, Disney. Hope your next Star Wars movie is as crap as the last two.

(ps. Buy my site!!)

“So… once Brexit happens, we won’t even be getting European-Premiere grade events anymore? Damn…”

“So… once Brexit happens, we won’t even be getting European-Premiere grade events anymore? Damn…”

Postscript : Oh, look : history is already being REWRITTEN ONLINE:

Tonight? It was an afternoon premiere. “Rest of the studded cast” - it was just Tom Hanks!

Tonight? It was an afternoon premiere. “Rest of the studded cast” - it was just Tom Hanks!

“I’m not a toy!” I’m just a gullible person who (sadly) believes or is optimistic about what I read on twitter  - like about Tim Allen attending!

“I’m not a toy!” I’m just a gullible person who (sadly) believes or is optimistic about what I read on twitter - like about Tim Allen attending!

Tom Hanks AND Tim Allen in Leicester Square? Well, I certainly wish I’d been at the premiere you described, instead of the one that ACTUALLY happened.

Tom Hanks AND Tim Allen in Leicester Square? Well, I certainly wish I’d been at the premiere you described, instead of the one that ACTUALLY happened.

wait…. WHAT??? Did Tim Allen just get dropped off at a convenient pub en route because he couldn’t be assed to attend the European Premiere? Are Disney hiring doppelgangers and STILL not having them attend premieres?

wait…. WHAT??? Did Tim Allen just get dropped off at a convenient pub en route because he couldn’t be assed to attend the European Premiere? Are Disney hiring doppelgangers and STILL not having them attend premieres?

F&&K this shit, Disney.