The 2019 Olivier Awards, Royal Albert Hall

April 7th, 2019.

(NOTE : NOW UPDATED WITH WINNERS - further below)

Well… it’s that time of year again : the first of two theatre-related events I try to get to in order to take photos, and desperately not feel like an uncultured heathen because I don’t know anyone from the world of theatre. I’d like to say I watched at least one play in the past 12 months… but I suspect that I can’t without lying. I listened to the soundtrack of “Shakespeare In Love” at least once, though, if that helps.

Here’s how it went down.

Wristband handouts for the event were scheduled at 11:00am, but when I dropped by at around 9:15 there was no queue. Rather than this signalling the death-knell of theatre in London, though, it merely meant they’d handed them out early. I was given wristband #73 and told to come back in about four hours.

Wristband handouts for the event were scheduled at 11:00am, but when I dropped by at around 9:15 there was no queue. Rather than this signalling the death-knell of theatre in London, though, it merely meant they’d handed them out early. I was given wristband #73 and told to come back in about four hours.

The front pen on the stairs was closest to the photographers… but I ended up in the front row of the third pen : better elevation, albeit at the cost of a lot more people between me and anyone at the bottom of the stairs.

The front pen on the stairs was closest to the photographers… but I ended up in the front row of the third pen : better elevation, albeit at the cost of a lot more people between me and anyone at the bottom of the stairs.

My view. Not pictured : me.

My view.
Not pictured : me.

“It says ‘spool film here’. Does anyone have any film? Or know what a spool is?”

“It says ‘spool film here’. Does anyone have any film? Or know what a spool is?”

“If I were to stay here throughout the event, could I get my interviews done here on the stairs rather than the custom stage they thoughtfully constructed over yonder?”   the stage was weatherproof… but it was way over <there>. Fortunately, it soon stopped raining.

“If I were to stay here throughout the event, could I get my interviews done here on the stairs rather than the custom stage they thoughtfully constructed over yonder?”
the stage was weatherproof… but it was way over <there>. Fortunately, it soon stopped raining.

Wireimage helpfully identifies them as Kate Graham, Sara Poyzer, and Ricky Butt, but the fact that they appear to recognise me concerns me quite a lot.

Wireimage helpfully identifies them as Kate Graham, Sara Poyzer, and Ricky Butt, but the fact that they appear to recognise me concerns me quite a lot.

“I can TOTALLY wear this and still be vegan, STEVE.”  Angellica Bell is another one of this event’s hosts. I think there were four. Sadly your good friend and mine, Hakeem Mr Impact and his tame DJ Legitim8 The4ter did not provide warmup duties for this event

“I can TOTALLY wear this and still be vegan, STEVE.”
Angellica Bell is another one of this event’s hosts. I think there were four. Sadly your good friend and mine, Hakeem Mr Impact and his tame DJ Legitim8 The4ter did not provide warmup duties for this event

Gok Wan, the nature of whose fame I’m not entirely certain of, was a third host of this event.

Gok Wan, the nature of whose fame I’m not entirely certain of, was a third host of this event.

“I hated that sofa, but right now I regret destroying it”.  I don’t know who this is, but if there’s any leftover I could maybe line the inside of some of my thin beanies with it.

“I hated that sofa, but right now I regret destroying it”.
I don’t know who this is, but if there’s any leftover I could maybe line the inside of some of my thin beanies with it.

“I’m not only the fourth host, I’m also part of the other three. It’s complicated, and the metaphysics of it are not entirely clear but I… oh, right. You’re not interested. You just want to know where I got this jacket”  - I don’t know who this is, but I think he was the fourth host of this event.

“I’m not only the fourth host, I’m also part of the other three. It’s complicated, and the metaphysics of it are not entirely clear but I… oh, right. You’re not interested. You just want to know where I got this jacket”
- I don’t know who this is, but I think he was the fourth host of this event.

“Jacques told me that I had to wear the scarf with uneven lengths, and was very persuasive about it. But he’s not here and I’m not sure any more. Dear, do you have Jacques’ number?”

“Jacques told me that I had to wear the scarf with uneven lengths, and was very persuasive about it. But he’s not here and I’m not sure any more. Dear, do you have Jacques’ number?”

“Hey, your two year old couldn’t do this, much less in heels….”  Joanne Clifton is… erm…. wearing that dress. That’s all I’ve got for now. (edited to add : possibly a choreogapher (?) on the show Strictly Come Dancing?)

“Hey, your two year old couldn’t do this, much less in heels….”
Joanne Clifton is… erm…. wearing that dress. That’s all I’ve got for now. (edited to add : possibly a choreogapher (?) on the show Strictly Come Dancing?)

“Believe me, if I frowned any harder, you’d know about it”  Nell Hudson is, I’m reliably informed, best known for playing something or someone called “Skerrett” in something called “Victoria”. I’m not even sure that’s theatre related.

“Believe me, if I frowned any harder, you’d know about it”
Nell Hudson is, I’m reliably informed, best known for playing something or someone called “Skerrett” in something called “Victoria”. I’m not even sure that’s theatre related.

“Which of the armed forces am I a member of? The most fabulous one, obviously”.

“Which of the armed forces am I a member of? The most fabulous one, obviously”.

Wireimage calls her Eleanor Matsora , but imdb.com notes somebody somewhat similar looking called “Eleanor Matsuura” who was in Wonder Woman, and something called “MI-5” that was not however a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible film. Meanwhile, this dress appears to exist in more than 4 dimensions and I know there’s a mostly finished bottle of German beer sitting next to me as I type this, but I swear I’m not making most of this up.

Wireimage calls her Eleanor Matsora , but imdb.com notes somebody somewhat similar looking called “Eleanor Matsuura” who was in Wonder Woman, and something called “MI-5” that was not however a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible film. Meanwhile, this dress appears to exist in more than 4 dimensions and I know there’s a mostly finished bottle of German beer sitting next to me as I type this, but I swear I’m not making most of this up.

“Holding your dress the same way as I am isn’t helping me get up these stairs, babe” ”I was going by the adage that a problem shared is a problem halved…… babe”  Antonia Thomas (centre-ish) was possibly in something called “The Good Doctor” and something else called “Lovesick” and something else called “Teletubbies”. None of which have much to do with theatre, true, but then I don’t and I’m here.

“Holding your dress the same way as I am isn’t helping me get up these stairs, babe”
”I was going by the adage that a problem shared is a problem halved…… babe”

Antonia Thomas (centre-ish) was possibly in something called “The Good Doctor” and something else called “Lovesick” and something else called “Teletubbies”. None of which have much to do with theatre, true, but then I don’t and I’m here.

“I’m totally not taking that guy’s wallet while I’m talking to you” ”….” ”By which I mean I’m leaving his wallet and only taking its contents”  I don’t know who this is, but the handiwork looks fairly deft.

“I’m totally not taking that guy’s wallet while I’m talking to you”
”….”
”By which I mean I’m leaving his wallet and only taking its contents”
I don’t know who this is, but the handiwork looks fairly deft.

“If this doesn’t get me on the cover of Hair-Swish Monthly, I’m wearing caps and beanies everywhere from now on” . Woohoo… our numbers are growing, and I don’t care why.

“If this doesn’t get me on the cover of Hair-Swish Monthly, I’m wearing caps and beanies everywhere from now on”. Woohoo… our numbers are growing, and I don’t care why.

“I’m just taking a photo of the building, guys… but okay, sure, lean in and admire my mad compositional skillz”

“I’m just taking a photo of the building, guys… but okay, sure, lean in and admire my mad compositional skillz”

“What do you mean ‘you’re here but you can’t see me’? There are people looking at the reflections of this dress bouncing off the magnetosphere in Canada right now….. and they can see me”.   - the good news is that I’m not letting myself get distracted failing to identify theatre-people streaming past me, and getting on with my life of ignorance.

“What do you mean ‘you’re here but you can’t see me’? There are people looking at the reflections of this dress bouncing off the magnetosphere in Canada right now….. and they can see me”.
- the good news is that I’m not letting myself get distracted failing to identify theatre-people streaming past me, and getting on with my life of ignorance.

“It’s not about making you smile, per se, it’s about eliciting a response. Check out the out-of-focus lady behind me - I don’t even have to look at her to know I’ve impacted her”  Jason Manford is, I’m told, a comedian.  (edited to add : he was the host for the evening with thanks to EFi Nsterer on facebook!)

“It’s not about making you smile, per se, it’s about eliciting a response. Check out the out-of-focus lady behind me - I don’t even have to look at her to know I’ve impacted her”
Jason Manford is, I’m told, a comedian.
(edited to add : he was the host for the evening with thanks to EFi Nsterer on facebook!)

“Everybody say Feart-Ahh!!”

“Everybody say Feart-Ahh!!”

“Oh, mighty Ba’al, accept this offering from your unworthy minion….  … damnit, I’m never going to be able to hold this aloft long enough to photograph Tom Hiddleston”

“Oh, mighty Ba’al, accept this offering from your unworthy minion….
… damnit, I’m never going to be able to hold this aloft long enough to photograph Tom Hiddleston”

“Of course it’s not for sale : it’s ART!!”

“Of course it’s not for sale : it’s ART!!”

“I’m going to stop you there, not because I want you to continue this story from where you left off once I return, it’s just because I really want to be elsewhere. But peace be with you, good brother. We’ll meet again one day I’m sure.”   My baseline assumption in life is that I’ve never met anyone called Martha Plimpton . And that’s still true, since we didn’t speak at this event, but she WAS in the movie “Goonies” back in the day.

“I’m going to stop you there, not because I want you to continue this story from where you left off once I return, it’s just because I really want to be elsewhere. But peace be with you, good brother. We’ll meet again one day I’m sure.”
My baseline assumption in life is that I’ve never met anyone called Martha Plimpton . And that’s still true, since we didn’t speak at this event, but she WAS in the movie “Goonies” back in the day.

Katherine Parkinson’s imdb.com credits list a dizzying array of TV shows I’ve barely heard of, let alone watched. But that’s on me - I prefer movies to television, which still doesn’t necessarily explain what I’m doing here at the Olivier Awards, which are based around Theatre.

Katherine Parkinson’s imdb.com credits list a dizzying array of TV shows I’ve barely heard of, let alone watched. But that’s on me - I prefer movies to television, which still doesn’t necessarily explain what I’m doing here at the Olivier Awards, which are based around Theatre.

“This is honestly the most formal thing I own. If I was summoned to testify in court tomorrow morning, I’d still be wearing this. Perhaps with different shoes, but that’s about it”.  I feel that even if I knew who this was, on the basis of the dress/cloak/raincoat/poncho/swathe I should also try to identify the anime character.  (edited to add : he’s Turner Prize winning artist Grayson Perry, with thanks to EFi Nsterer on facebook!)

“This is honestly the most formal thing I own. If I was summoned to testify in court tomorrow morning, I’d still be wearing this. Perhaps with different shoes, but that’s about it”.
I feel that even if I knew who this was, on the basis of the dress/cloak/raincoat/poncho/swathe I should also try to identify the anime character.
(edited to add : he’s Turner Prize winning artist Grayson Perry, with thanks to EFi Nsterer on facebook!)

It’s Ken Watanabe!! I’ve never photographed him before, and (oddly, in respect of everything) I do know he’s currently in a theatre production of “The King and I”.

It’s Ken Watanabe!! I’ve never photographed him before, and (oddly, in respect of everything) I do know he’s currently in a theatre production of “The King and I”.

Ken Watanabe’s movie credit’s include being in“The Last Samurai” with Tom Cruise, “Godzilla (2014)” and two Christopher Nolan films : he was Ra’s Al Ghul in “Batman Begins” and he was the guy who hired Leonardo DiCaprio’s team in “Inception”

Ken Watanabe’s movie credit’s include being in“The Last Samurai” with Tom Cruise, “Godzilla (2014)” and two Christopher Nolan films : he was Ra’s Al Ghul in “Batman Begins” and he was the guy who hired Leonardo DiCaprio’s team in “Inception”

“Stop laughing, guys. There’s no way I could take a photo like this without posing like this"

“Stop laughing, guys. There’s no way I could take a photo like this without posing like this"

“Actually, there’s every chance I’m wearing this dress not just backwards, but upside-down”  The only one of Adrienne Wilson’s imdb credits I’ve actually heard of is for “Orange is the New Black”, but “Assassinauts “ sounds kind of interesting….

“Actually, there’s every chance I’m wearing this dress not just backwards, but upside-down”
The only one of Adrienne Wilson’s imdb credits I’ve actually heard of is for “Orange is the New Black”, but “Assassinauts “ sounds kind of interesting….

It’s Jonathan Hyde! He played the skeevy Bruce Ismay in James Cameron’s ‘Titanic’, the arrogant Warren Westridge in the landmark (?) 1997 creature feature “Anaconda”, the hunter in the original “Jumanji” film with Robin William, was in the first Brendan Frasier movie in the “Mummy” franchise. He was even the butler in the Macaulay Culkin Richie Rich movie! And I’ve never photographed him before today. Good times.   Also : Theatre!!!

It’s Jonathan Hyde! He played the skeevy Bruce Ismay in James Cameron’s ‘Titanic’, the arrogant Warren Westridge in the landmark (?) 1997 creature feature “Anaconda”, the hunter in the original “Jumanji” film with Robin William, was in the first Brendan Frasier movie in the “Mummy” franchise. He was even the butler in the Macaulay Culkin Richie Rich movie! And I’ve never photographed him before today. Good times. Also : Theatre!!!

Arinze Kene is in The Theatre - I’ve photographed him at numerous Evening Standard Awards (which is my substitute for actually going to the theatre), which is why I know this.

Arinze Kene is in The Theatre - I’ve photographed him at numerous Evening Standard Awards (which is my substitute for actually going to the theatre), which is why I know this.

David Suchet! He played the role of Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot over 70 episodes spanning a period of nearly 25 years. I haven’t even remained consistent to my own character for that long!

David Suchet! He played the role of Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot over 70 episodes spanning a period of nearly 25 years. I haven’t even remained consistent to my own character for that long!

“Crimson Jihad was more of an art movement than a legitimate terror organisation. Though, yes, we did have a couple of nuclear weapons… “  It’s Art Malik !! The third person at this even that I’ve never photographed - he was the villain in the James Cameron movie “True Lies”

“Crimson Jihad was more of an art movement than a legitimate terror organisation. Though, yes, we did have a couple of nuclear weapons… “
It’s Art Malik !! The third person at this even that I’ve never photographed - he was the villain in the James Cameron movie “True Lies”

“I was in other things, you know”

“I was in other things, you know”

Theatre people. They’re the least understated people.

Theatre people. They’re the least understated people.

“Cigarette in one hand, sharpie in the other. What… you got a problem with that?”  Speaking of… erm… Theatre? It’s Danny Dyer!

“Cigarette in one hand, sharpie in the other. What… you got a problem with that?”
Speaking of… erm… Theatre? It’s Danny Dyer!

“If you wanted me to look cool by smoking, you should have told me….”  Beverley Knight is &lt;checks&gt; a singer.

“If you wanted me to look cool by smoking, you should have told me….”
Beverley Knight is <checks> a singer.

I think a fun thing you could do with Sophie Okonedo is to hold out DVDs of “After Earth”, “Aeon Flux”, and “Ace Ventura When Nature Calls” and see which one she’ll sign. (Ace Ventura, obviously, because that’s a great movie). Of course, you could hold out a DVD of “Hotel Rwanda”, which she was Oscar-nominated for. Also… who still owns DVDs anyway?

I think a fun thing you could do with Sophie Okonedo is to hold out DVDs of “After Earth”, “Aeon Flux”, and “Ace Ventura When Nature Calls” and see which one she’ll sign. (Ace Ventura, obviously, because that’s a great movie). Of course, you could hold out a DVD of “Hotel Rwanda”, which she was Oscar-nominated for. Also… who still owns DVDs anyway?

It’s Kelsey Grammer!! He played the character of Dr Frasier Crane for ten years and 203 episodes of “Cheers” from 1984-1993, before playing the same character in “Frasier” for another 263 episodes from 1993-2004. Of course, he was also Sideshow Bob in 21 episodes of The Simpsons across 27 years.

It’s Kelsey Grammer!! He played the character of Dr Frasier Crane for ten years and 203 episodes of “Cheers” from 1984-1993, before playing the same character in “Frasier” for another 263 episodes from 1993-2004. Of course, he was also Sideshow Bob in 21 episodes of The Simpsons across 27 years.

“I’ve been in other things, too….”  - including being a voice in a Transformers film, like Ken Watanabe. You know… imdb.com really is a useful resource. Do other people know about it?

“I’ve been in other things, too….” - including being a voice in a Transformers film, like Ken Watanabe. You know… imdb.com really is a useful resource. Do other people know about it?

It’s Bill Pullman!! I gotta say, for actors who may/may not have anything to do with theatre (as far as I know/care), I am doing very well at photographing people I’ve never photographed before : he was the President in the 1996 classic “Independence Day” and the … well… EX-president in its rather less stellar sequel, made twenty years later. Also : check out the Crocodile movie “Lake Placid” - he’s in that and he’s pretty good….  ….. and would it kill you to get some culture and take in a show sometime? London has several theatres, I’m told.

It’s Bill Pullman!! I gotta say, for actors who may/may not have anything to do with theatre (as far as I know/care), I am doing very well at photographing people I’ve never photographed before : he was the President in the 1996 classic “Independence Day” and the … well… EX-president in its rather less stellar sequel, made twenty years later. Also : check out the Crocodile movie “Lake Placid” - he’s in that and he’s pretty good….

….. and would it kill you to get some culture and take in a show sometime? London has several theatres, I’m told.

Sadly, in my eagerness to photograph Bill Pullman, I missed Sally Field, considerably shorter than he is yet standing right next to him, until she scurried past.

Sadly, in my eagerness to photograph Bill Pullman, I missed Sally Field, considerably shorter than he is yet standing right next to him, until she scurried past.

Fortunately, the Nikon I’m using at this event only needs three shots to get a subject in focus, its autofocus is that good.

Fortunately, the Nikon I’m using at this event only needs three shots to get a subject in focus, its autofocus is that good.

Unfortunately, one frame later the blurred head on the right moved left and blocked Sally Field just as she would have been in focus. Argh.

Unfortunately, one frame later the blurred head on the right moved left and blocked Sally Field just as she would have been in focus. Argh.

It’s only because I occasionally walk past the Noel Coward Theatre in London that I know Gillian Anderson is currently in &lt;checks online&gt; “All About Eve” with Lily James. Who sadly did not attend the Oliviers. Or, if she did, count me as much sadder.

It’s only because I occasionally walk past the Noel Coward Theatre in London that I know Gillian Anderson is currently in <checks online> “All About Eve” with Lily James. Who sadly did not attend the Oliviers. Or, if she did, count me as much sadder.

“I’m going to stop you there, because your story is uninteresting and I’ve got an interview to do. But my assistant will stand in for me and report the details back to me if she deems them interesting enough”  - Gillian Anderson is of course best known for being Scully in the X-Files, but she’s also in my CD collection with the single “Extremis” by “Hal. Feat. Gillian Anderson”… I’m sure the technology exists to still play CDs in this day and age, I’m just not sure how, myself.

“I’m going to stop you there, because your story is uninteresting and I’ve got an interview to do. But my assistant will stand in for me and report the details back to me if she deems them interesting enough”
- Gillian Anderson is of course best known for being Scully in the X-Files, but she’s also in my CD collection with the single “Extremis” by “Hal. Feat. Gillian Anderson”… I’m sure the technology exists to still play CDs in this day and age, I’m just not sure how, myself.

Tom Hiddleston used to have the power to ensure any journal I posted featuring his presence would get 5-10x more views than if they simply contained generically good looking people or Oscar winners. I’m not sure he still has that power, but the hairstyle’s great, the focus is commendable, and in the absence of all else : he remains tall and thus easier to photograph than people shorter than he is.

Tom Hiddleston used to have the power to ensure any journal I posted featuring his presence would get 5-10x more views than if they simply contained generically good looking people or Oscar winners. I’m not sure he still has that power, but the hairstyle’s great, the focus is commendable, and in the absence of all else : he remains tall and thus easier to photograph than people shorter than he is.

“Wait… they’ve released trailers for Spider-Man : Far From Home even though when we last saw Spider-Man he’d just DIED in an Avengers film whose sequel isn’t out for another few weeks? Did somebody screw up or does Disney just not care anymore??”  - Loki’s current status in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is also &lt;checks&gt; deceased.

“Wait… they’ve released trailers for Spider-Man : Far From Home even though when we last saw Spider-Man he’d just DIED in an Avengers film whose sequel isn’t out for another few weeks? Did somebody screw up or does Disney just not care anymore??” - Loki’s current status in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is also <checks> deceased.

“Yes, in a manner of speaking I did play Ben Affleck. Or rather, I prefer to think that he played ME”  This is possibly Charlie Cox, who is possibly in the (former?) TV Series ‘Daredevil’.

“Yes, in a manner of speaking I did play Ben Affleck. Or rather, I prefer to think that he played ME”
This is possibly Charlie Cox, who is possibly in the (former?) TV Series ‘Daredevil’.

“The Miami Sound Machine is more or less an iPod at this stage. Or… wait… even that reference is pretty dated right now, I guess….”  In a blow to my claims of being far, FAR too young to remember then 1990s let alone the 1980s, it’s singer Gloria Estefan!!

“The Miami Sound Machine is more or less an iPod at this stage. Or… wait… even that reference is pretty dated right now, I guess….”
In a blow to my claims of being far, FAR too young to remember then 1990s let alone the 1980s, it’s singer Gloria Estefan!!

The carpet is cleared and a car pulls up. And if its occupant doesn’t have a ticket to the event this could all be rather awkward. Though the armed dudes on motorcycles could probably clear things up pretty quickly.

The carpet is cleared and a car pulls up. And if its occupant doesn’t have a ticket to the event this could all be rather awkward. Though the armed dudes on motorcycles could probably clear things up pretty quickly.

“One would consider grabbing a cider and popcorn if that bar they have is still open?”  It’s Camilla Duchess of Cornwall, sans Prince Charles but with quite the dress-cloak and cheery smile

“One would consider grabbing a cider and popcorn if that bar they have is still open?”
It’s Camilla Duchess of Cornwall, sans Prince Charles but with quite the dress-cloak and cheery smile

Suspects she knows what I’m planning, and does not endorse it. Damn.

Suspects she knows what I’m planning, and does not endorse it.
Damn.

So… that was that. Until, uh…. sometime tomorrow(ish) when I find out who actually WON Olivier Awards and I go scurrying to find out whether I actually photographed them accidentally among the heaving throngs of people on the red carpet who haven’t been in movies and who WEREN’T shouted at by dealers in my vicinity.

UPDATE : I’ve now trawled through the approximately 2000 photos I took on the afternoon and had a look for anyone who might have won an Olivier Award on the night. (You’d think the official website might have a pictorial winners gallery, but what it has is a dizzying auto-revolving carousel that you need to manually scroll through one by one and whose names can not be copy-pasted, which somewhat less than helpful..)

“What the hell is a Rugby League theme tune??”  I’m fairly certain that this is  Kobna Holdbrook-Smith , who won for Best Actor in a Musical (for  “Tina Turner” ) - and that comment only makes sense if you’re from Australia and probably over 35, so sorry about that.

“What the hell is a Rugby League theme tune??” I’m fairly certain that this is Kobna Holdbrook-Smith, who won for Best Actor in a Musical (for “Tina Turner”) - and that comment only makes sense if you’re from Australia and probably over 35, so sorry about that.

This might possibly be the dude clutching the Olivier amidst a huge cast group shot for “Come From Away” - the  Best New Musical Award  on the night. I don’t know his name, but Gloria Estefan was also in the group shot, so that’s something.

This might possibly be the dude clutching the Olivier amidst a huge cast group shot for “Come From Away” - the Best New Musical Award on the night. I don’t know his name, but Gloria Estefan was also in the group shot, so that’s something.

Thanks to the pretty lady in the light-coloured dress on the right, I inadvertently happened to photograph  Chris Walley , who won the Olivier for  Best Actor in a Supporting Role , for “The Lieutenant of Inishmore” - thanks, pretty lady!

Thanks to the pretty lady in the light-coloured dress on the right, I inadvertently happened to photograph Chris Walley, who won the Olivier for Best Actor in a Supporting Role, for “The Lieutenant of Inishmore” - thanks, pretty lady!

The two partially obscured ladies are responsible for  Best New Comedy . On the left  Tamara Harvey  (director)…. and

The two partially obscured ladies are responsible for Best New Comedy. On the left Tamara Harvey (director)…. and

….  Laura Wade  (writer), for “Home I’m Darling”

…. Laura Wade (writer), for “Home I’m Darling”

I believe these are two of the cast of  “Flesh and Bone”  which won for “ Outstanding achievement in affiliate theatre”  - and I’m not entirely certain what that award means, but I’m sure their Olivier Award glowers no less menacingly than that of any other category.

I believe these are two of the cast of “Flesh and Bone” which won for “Outstanding achievement in affiliate theatre” - and I’m not entirely certain what that award means, but I’m sure their Olivier Award glowers no less menacingly than that of any other category.

My view of the stage is constantly blocked by people taller than me between me and it, but the occasional random shot proves (once again) helpful - I believe this is  Matthew Bourne , who won the Olivier for …  “Special Award”  on the night. I’d like to believe that’s the one where the glowering Olivier Statuette wears a cool cap backwards.

My view of the stage is constantly blocked by people taller than me between me and it, but the occasional random shot proves (once again) helpful - I believe this is Matthew Bourne, who won the Olivier for … “Special Award” on the night. I’d like to believe that’s the one where the glowering Olivier Statuette wears a cool cap backwards.

“I’m really not qualified to perform intricate tapestry work at short notice, but okay”   Jonathan Bailey  (if this be he) won  Best Supporting Actor in A Musical  for “Company” on the night.

“I’m really not qualified to perform intricate tapestry work at short notice, but okay”
Jonathan Bailey (if this be he) won Best Supporting Actor in A Musical for “Company” on the night.

Monica Dolan  (in green at long range) won  Best Supporting Actress  for her role in “All About Eve”. Meanwhile, at even longer range, the blurry guy in the background * might*  be Matthew Lopez who won for Best New Play for “Inheritance” on the night.

Monica Dolan (in green at long range) won Best Supporting Actress for her role in “All About Eve”. Meanwhile, at even longer range, the blurry guy in the background *might* be Matthew Lopez who won for Best New Play for “Inheritance” on the night.

A few frames later in the same rapid 10-frame-per-second burst, and the blurry figure in the back may just be  Kyle Soller , who won  Best Actor  for “Inheritance” on the night.

A few frames later in the same rapid 10-frame-per-second burst, and the blurry figure in the back may just be Kyle Soller, who won Best Actor for “Inheritance” on the night.

So… that was that. And if I never have to look at another official Oliviers Website with a rotating carousel of sporadically unlabelled winners that occasionally only goes one-direction, it’ll be too soon. Lift your game, Oliviers - you may know theatre, but that’s not how an ART GALLERY works.

Anyway, until next time, which probably won’t be an Avengers Endgame Event in London (unless of course it IS) because Disney can’t be assed to fly more than three or five people from a cast/poster containing about two dozen people to show about 20 minutes of footage from a 3 hour movie to promote their film and invite only their closest friends and a few lucky fans to see it and tweet about it. I already forget what the movie is called - the prior one was two and a half hours long and BORING whenever its tone wasn’t completely bipolar.

Anyway, feel free to follow me (or insult my staggering lack of knowledge about theatre, and/or hatred of Marvel/Disney) on : facebook at premieres.co; or twitter at berndt2_photo.

Previous Oliver Awards Journals: 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, and 2014….. and this year’s goes right into the Archive to join them

London Fashion Week 2019.1

Well, who knew it’d be just six months since the last one that London would roll out another Fashion Week? And rather than move the event anywhere remotely crowd- and street-photography friendly, they’d keep it on the same stretch of pavement on The Strand that’s been hosting it for years?

Ah, but it’s London Fashion Week, Dahlink. I can only stay mad so long….. besides, this year I spent more time at the Masonic Hall than The Strand.

Here’s how it went down on the five days I went:

DAY 5 - Tuesday, 19th February

“If you’re taking the photo without admiring me or the dress, you’re doing it wrong”

“If you’re taking the photo without admiring me or the dress, you’re doing it wrong”

“They always check my handbag for weapons, but they never check whether my handbag IS a weapon…”

“They always check my handbag for weapons, but they never check whether my handbag IS a weapon…”

Not a digital effect.

Not a digital effect.

“And none of you have asked me how I want it hash-tagged… are you just going to make up your own? What gives you that right?”

“And none of you have asked me how I want it hash-tagged… are you just going to make up your own? What gives you that right?”

“The hair-colour doesn’t contrast with the beret AT ALL, and she’s furious” ”….” ”Well, she’s not happy at any rate”

“The hair-colour doesn’t contrast with the beret AT ALL, and she’s furious”
”….”
”Well, she’s not happy at any rate”

“I carry an out-of-focus background with me everywhere I go. It causes headaches and sore eyes for people nearby, but that’s the price of fashion, dahling”

“I carry an out-of-focus background with me everywhere I go. It causes headaches and sore eyes for people nearby, but that’s the price of fashion, dahling”

Getting people to pose during London Fashion Week is pretty easy if you’ve got a DSLR.. but getting them to walk away from you without turning? Not as easy.

Getting people to pose during London Fashion Week is pretty easy if you’ve got a DSLR.. but getting them to walk away from you without turning? Not as easy.

“Let’s just say the rock band I’m part of doesn’t have need of a harmonica player, and leave it at that”

“Let’s just say the rock band I’m part of doesn’t have need of a harmonica player, and leave it at that”

Some days Khaleesi just wanted a motorbike in order to look cool.

Some days Khaleesi just wanted a motorbike in order to look cool.

“I’m trying to flirt, but I also really want to ask the guy behind me what his suitcase is made of. It looks like granite and I kind of want one…”

“I’m trying to flirt, but I also really want to ask the guy behind me what his suitcase is made of. It looks like granite and I kind of want one…”

And finally, on Day 5 of LFW, it was also the death of fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld, who I was lucky enough to photograph (at the    2015 Fashion Awards   ), but this mural has been outside ‘TY Seven Dials’ for at least the past year.

And finally, on Day 5 of LFW, it was also the death of fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld, who I was lucky enough to photograph (at the 2015 Fashion Awards), but this mural has been outside ‘TY Seven Dials’ for at least the past year.

previously…. DAY 4 - Monday, 18th February

“Is somebody over there opening a bag of complimentary low-calorie flavoured popcorn?”  - no, but they did hand out free Harrods Magazines.

“Is somebody over there opening a bag of complimentary low-calorie flavoured popcorn?” - no, but they did hand out free Harrods Magazines.

“Six layers, and now they’re getting waterlogged. Won’t somebody think of the models??”

“Six layers, and now they’re getting waterlogged. Won’t somebody think of the models??”

“Let me know when you’ve taken the photo… I don’t want too many questions asked about how we got the material for the dress….”

“Let me know when you’ve taken the photo… I don’t want too many questions asked about how we got the material for the dress….”

“Of course, the look is entirely incomplete without an out-of-focus cigarette butt in the picture somewhere….”

“Of course, the look is entirely incomplete without an out-of-focus cigarette butt in the picture somewhere….”

“The moustache isn’t 100% finished, and I’ve been promised a swift death if I unveil it before it’s ready….”

“The moustache isn’t 100% finished, and I’ve been promised a swift death if I unveil it before it’s ready….”

Seems a bit too easy to write a comment… but they probably should paint over it with something like “fabulous” or “sexy” for the duration of LFW, especially since they went to the trouble of having parking suspended there…

Seems a bit too easy to write a comment… but they probably should paint over it with something like “fabulous” or “sexy” for the duration of LFW, especially since they went to the trouble of having parking suspended there…

“I wasn’t aware it was an endangered species, OKAY?? Anyway, if you really want to nab a criminal, there’s somebody over there wearing a beanie with a pom-pom ….”

“I wasn’t aware it was an endangered species, OKAY?? Anyway, if you really want to nab a criminal, there’s somebody over there wearing a beanie with a pom-pom ….”

“I shouldn’t have to indicate that I want a cab, especially if I feel it would be against the strong independent spirit of the ensemble I’m wearing…”

“I shouldn’t have to indicate that I want a cab, especially if I feel it would be against the strong independent spirit of the ensemble I’m wearing…”

“… now what am I meant to do for the next six months….?”

“… now what am I meant to do for the next six months….?”

DAY 3 - Sunday, 17th February

“I hate it when I get an email on one of these…”

“I hate it when I get an email on one of these…”

“Sorry… we’re kind of a package deal. You want one of us, you have to hire both of us. Oh, and Bridget over there isn’t with us.” ”What the hell, guys???”

“Sorry… we’re kind of a package deal. You want one of us, you have to hire both of us. Oh, and Bridget over there isn’t with us.”
”What the hell, guys???”

“Thanks to this Russian Nesting Backpack, I can finally carry my spare packet of artificial sweetener in complete safety…”

“Thanks to this Russian Nesting Backpack, I can finally carry my spare packet of artificial sweetener in complete safety…”

“This is no way to break up with someone, Barry…”

“This is no way to break up with someone, Barry…”

“Hold on, Karen. There’s a place here that needs me to totally Fab it Up” ”…..” ”Yes, I know the place I just left now needs me to return to Fab IT Up, but that’s the house of cards my life has become, now”

“Hold on, Karen. There’s a place here that needs me to totally Fab it Up”
”…..”
”Yes, I know the place I just left now needs me to return to Fab IT Up, but that’s the house of cards my life has become, now”

“The sweatshop workers really outdid themselves on those shaved jean fronds. Of course they’re done by hand, do you honestly think machines are capable of this level of artistry??”

“The sweatshop workers really outdid themselves on those shaved jean fronds. Of course they’re done by hand, do you honestly think machines are capable of this level of artistry??”

“Okay but WHEN is the guy with the step-ladder coming?”

“Okay but WHEN is the guy with the step-ladder coming?”

“I’ve had a Saudi prince offer me six figures for these cheekbones, and now you want me to pose for free for your blog??”

“I’ve had a Saudi prince offer me six figures for these cheekbones, and now you want me to pose for free for your blog??”

“But my Agent is over THERE…”

“But my Agent is over THERE…”

“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but one of these three lenses is technically illegal…”

“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but one of these three lenses is technically illegal…”

“You’re not even taking off your backpack to photograph me? What kind of professional ARE you??”

“You’re not even taking off your backpack to photograph me? What kind of professional ARE you??”

“I try not to think about what might happen if the thing slips and the tip of the ‘Y’ spears upwards. But I’m sure they meet all applicable safety standards…. besides which they look fabulous, and they’ve promised me similarly branded crutches is anything like that happens”

“I try not to think about what might happen if the thing slips and the tip of the ‘Y’ spears upwards. But I’m sure they meet all applicable safety standards…. besides which they look fabulous, and they’ve promised me similarly branded crutches is anything like that happens”

“I don’t want to seem impolite, but can we skip past your holiday photos and get to the ones I’m actually in?”

“I don’t want to seem impolite, but can we skip past your holiday photos and get to the ones I’m actually in?”

DAY 2 - Saturday, 16th February

“I’ve been here two hours already and not one person has asked me who I’m wearing, what I’m wearing, or even if I need help getting down from here. I tell ya, London Fashion Week sure has changed.”

“I’ve been here two hours already and not one person has asked me who I’m wearing, what I’m wearing, or even if I need help getting down from here. I tell ya, London Fashion Week sure has changed.”

“It’s not about how you pronounce it, it’s about the fact it’s trademarked, which means Disney can buy it for billions, just like everything else…”

“It’s not about how you pronounce it, it’s about the fact it’s trademarked, which means Disney can buy it for billions, just like everything else…”

“I can hold this pose for a short while longer, but after that my sacred order is probably going to come after me for revealing we have the power to do this…”

“I can hold this pose for a short while longer, but after that my sacred order is probably going to come after me for revealing we have the power to do this…”

Somewhere at Apple Headquarters in California, Tim Cook is spitting breakfast cereal at his monitor and screaming   “this is why we invented the wireless ones, damnit!!!”  . Yeah, you can invent it, but you can’t decree it to be cool until the kids say it’s cool.

Somewhere at Apple Headquarters in California, Tim Cook is spitting breakfast cereal at his monitor and screaming “this is why we invented the wireless ones, damnit!!!”. Yeah, you can invent it, but you can’t decree it to be cool until the kids say it’s cool.

“Guys, we SWORE we’d co-ordinate shoes this year… why did we betray each other??” ”For Fashion.” ”Yeah, for fashion…” ”Damnit… that’s why I betrayed you guys as well.”

“Guys, we SWORE we’d co-ordinate shoes this year… why did we betray each other??”
”For Fashion.”
”Yeah, for fashion…”
”Damnit… that’s why I betrayed you guys as well.”

“Please tell me the shell-shocked look is still in. Failing that, white hexagonal handbags…”

“Please tell me the shell-shocked look is still in. Failing that, white hexagonal handbags…”

“Sketchers? So 1960s, 1980s, 2010s and possibly again in a couple of years. But not THIS year…”

“Sketchers? So 1960s, 1980s, 2010s and possibly again in a couple of years. But not THIS year…”

“My only regret is that the sunglass frames aren’t a colour. But a girl learns to get on with life….”

“My only regret is that the sunglass frames aren’t a colour. But a girl learns to get on with life….”

Not sure what’s going on here, but my black Nikes are feeling more than a little inadequate, and I might need to buy myself some police tape to wrap around my legs at some stage.

Not sure what’s going on here, but my black Nikes are feeling more than a little inadequate, and I might need to buy myself some police tape to wrap around my legs at some stage.

“You could be one of eight people photographing me while I’m sitting here, or you could be a gentleman and help me get down from this terrifying height?” . Oops.

“You could be one of eight people photographing me while I’m sitting here, or you could be a gentleman and help me get down from this terrifying height?”. Oops.

“And what’s the reason they let ugly people photograph pretty people at London Fashion Week?” ”Well, if everyone was pretty, then nobody would be photographing anyone, and how would we get on instagram otherwise?” ”Oh, right….”

“And what’s the reason they let ugly people photograph pretty people at London Fashion Week?”
”Well, if everyone was pretty, then nobody would be photographing anyone, and how would we get on instagram otherwise?”
”Oh, right….”

“And you’re sure this is how models are posing these days?” ”It keeps the chiropractors busy ….”

“And you’re sure this is how models are posing these days?”
”It keeps the chiropractors busy ….”

“They’re pure gold and 80% of my current net worth, and part of the reason I’m not wearing socks right now. But no regrets…”

“They’re pure gold and 80% of my current net worth, and part of the reason I’m not wearing socks right now. But no regrets…”

“And you’re all so busy photographing me that not one of you is offering to help me cross the road. I frikkin’ hate fashion week”

“And you’re all so busy photographing me that not one of you is offering to help me cross the road. I frikkin’ hate fashion week”

When you’re the coolest looking person in the place, and you’ve run out of selfies.

When you’re the coolest looking person in the place, and you’ve run out of selfies.

“All right, we’re almost at the place. Hand me my hair, Jacques….”

“All right, we’re almost at the place. Hand me my hair, Jacques….”

“It’s London Fashion week and we’ve mastered both disgust and disinterest, Margaret. If Right Now isn’t our time, then WHEN?”

“It’s London Fashion week and we’ve mastered both disgust and disinterest, Margaret. If Right Now isn’t our time, then WHEN?”

previously…

DAY 1 - Friday, 15th February.

“Yeah, some lout just came along and used his car keys to scratch our nice red wall. Frankly, I think it’s a miracle that if you look at the marks a certain way they appear to spell out the letters of London Fashion Week.. but that’s just a lucky coincidence….”

“Yeah, some lout just came along and used his car keys to scratch our nice red wall. Frankly, I think it’s a miracle that if you look at the marks a certain way they appear to spell out the letters of London Fashion Week.. but that’s just a lucky coincidence….”

“The knitting needles used were enormous, and took a huge toll among the sweat-shop workers involved in its creation….. is that what you wanted to hear??”

“The knitting needles used were enormous, and took a huge toll among the sweat-shop workers involved in its creation….. is that what you wanted to hear??”

“Are you using your HANDS to take photos on your camera?? What are you, some kind of cave-man??”

“Are you using your HANDS to take photos on your camera?? What are you, some kind of cave-man??”

“The barest majority voted in favour the first time, and two years later the government’s best efforts resulted in a 230 vote parliamentary defeat, after which the most recent vote was so destined to fail that the PM didn’t even bother to show up in parliament. But yeah, no, sure - calling for another vote rather than going with what the government can provide would be fundamentally undemocratic …. somehow”   I’m not getting political here. Indeed, I don’t even know for sure what the third word on that T-shirt is. It could be “how”, or “snow”, or “know”…

“The barest majority voted in favour the first time, and two years later the government’s best efforts resulted in a 230 vote parliamentary defeat, after which the most recent vote was so destined to fail that the PM didn’t even bother to show up in parliament. But yeah, no, sure - calling for another vote rather than going with what the government can provide would be fundamentally undemocratic …. somehow”
I’m not getting political here. Indeed, I don’t even know for sure what the third word on that T-shirt is. It could be “how”, or “snow”, or “know”…

You are not this cool. I am not this cool. There’s possibly even a chance the SHE HERSELF is somehow not this cool. I’m not sure how… but I guess it’s possible.

You are not this cool. I am not this cool. There’s possibly even a chance the SHE HERSELF is somehow not this cool. I’m not sure how… but I guess it’s possible.

“He said he couldn’t make the letters larger without widening the scarf. So I fired him for his lack of vision. Out of a canon. And I don’t regret it, no matter what the Judge said….”

“He said he couldn’t make the letters larger without widening the scarf. So I fired him for his lack of vision. Out of a canon. And I don’t regret it, no matter what the Judge said….”

“I never said smoking was healthy. I merely pointed out that it made you look awesome and makes you popular and that you should make up your own mind….”

“I never said smoking was healthy. I merely pointed out that it made you look awesome and makes you popular and that you should make up your own mind….”

“Please don’t break my heart and tell me you’re actually photographing the sweet tiling behind me” ”Okay, I won’t. But could you move five, maybe ten metres to your left?”

“Please don’t break my heart and tell me you’re actually photographing the sweet tiling behind me”
”Okay, I won’t. But could you move five, maybe ten metres to your left?”

“I’m not checking the photo as much as I’m checking to see whether the sensor has been fried by the colour of what you’re wearing"….”

“I’m not checking the photo as much as I’m checking to see whether the sensor has been fried by the colour of what you’re wearing"….”

I don’t care what she’s wearing. This is FASHION.

I don’t care what she’s wearing. This is FASHION.

“Of course we’re not suggesting you wear clothing like this, because you’re nowhere near as awesome as we are and it would look dumb on you. You… erm… should still buy it though. Just in case one day you decide you’re cool enough…”

“Of course we’re not suggesting you wear clothing like this, because you’re nowhere near as awesome as we are and it would look dumb on you. You… erm… should still buy it though. Just in case one day you decide you’re cool enough…”

“They closed the cafe that used to be on the corner — what are we going to do??” ”Hold on. First let me decide if the beanie that guy’s wearing constitutes a war crime”

“They closed the cafe that used to be on the corner — what are we going to do??”
”Hold on. First let me decide if the beanie that guy’s wearing constitutes a war crime”

“Have you seen my childhood?”

“Have you seen my childhood?”

“… and if anyone takes a photo of me and converts it to black’n’white, I want them sued.”

“… and if anyone takes a photo of me and converts it to black’n’white, I want them sued.”

“This ISN’T an army recruitment station? Well… what can I sign up for here, then?”

“This ISN’T an army recruitment station? Well… what can I sign up for here, then?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Dianne. I don’t see anyone wearing anything even close to what you’re wearing. You’re going to have to project an attitude that says you’re being really REALLY ironic” ”Hey, I didn’t even light the cigarette in my mouth, that’s how ironic I’m being”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Dianne. I don’t see anyone wearing anything even close to what you’re wearing. You’re going to have to project an attitude that says you’re being really REALLY ironic”
”Hey, I didn’t even light the cigarette in my mouth, that’s how ironic I’m being”

“Please don’t break my heart and tell me they’re not handing out free popcorn this year”  Not outside the event, no.

“Please don’t break my heart and tell me they’re not handing out free popcorn this year”
Not outside the event, no.

ps. prior Fashion Week (Street) Photography journals are at  2010.12012.1, both 2013.1+ 2013.2  then 2014.12015.1, both 2016.12016.2, almost both 2017.1 + 2017.2 …. one day of 2018.1 and 2018.2 .

The 2018 Fashion Awards, Royal Albert Hall

December 10th, 2018.

When the premiere of ‘Mary, Queen of Scots’ was announced to coincide with the 2018 Fashion Awards, I was torn. The website I own IS called “premieres.co” and yet I really like the randomness and fun of the Fashion Awards. And given MQOS starred Australia’s Own Margot Robbie, and my residency status with regard to Australia is kind of dicey, could I really afford to be seen as being so unpatriotic as to NOT attend the premiere?

Ummm….. yeah. Probably. Here’s how it went down:

Depending on your opinion of how maths works, this year I’ve photographed somewhere between 63 and 68 premieres. And I gave up a 64th (69th) by choosing the GQ Awards over the premiere of “The House With A Clock In Its Walls”. Here I’m giving up a 65th (or 64th) (or 68th/69th) to do… fashion. Baby.

Depending on your opinion of how maths works, this year I’ve photographed somewhere between 63 and 68 premieres. And I gave up a 64th (69th) by choosing the GQ Awards over the premiere of “The House With A Clock In Its Walls”. Here I’m giving up a 65th (or 64th) (or 68th/69th) to do… fashion. Baby.

As a font, I’d say the thing they’re using is better than Comic Sans, but not exactly legible.

As a font, I’d say the thing they’re using is better than Comic Sans, but not exactly legible.

“Of course I don’t have a ticket or wristband for this event : LOOK AT HOW I’M DRESSED, DAMNIT! This is fashion”.  This is (allegedly) fashion.

“Of course I don’t have a ticket or wristband for this event : LOOK AT HOW I’M DRESSED, DAMNIT! This is fashion”. This is (allegedly) fashion.

We begin, and I’m quickly forced to admit to the nice German ladies to my right that, no, I don’t know who these people are. Hey, I’ve only done eight or nine or twelve London Fashion Weeks and the Fashion Awards in 2015, 2016, 2017 (and this year)

We begin, and I’m quickly forced to admit to the nice German ladies to my right that, no, I don’t know who these people are. Hey, I’ve only done eight or nine or twelve London Fashion Weeks and the Fashion Awards in 2015, 2016, 2017 (and this year)

“If your uncovered ears weren’t so bright, I wouldn’t HAVE to wear sunglasses at night, Rachel! That said, I know I look fabulous and I suppose I have you to thank for that. It’s a mixed compliment, is what this is”

“If your uncovered ears weren’t so bright, I wouldn’t HAVE to wear sunglasses at night, Rachel! That said, I know I look fabulous and I suppose I have you to thank for that. It’s a mixed compliment, is what this is”

“But I’m three, maybe four times more stylish than half of the people you’ve let in already.. what on earth are your criteria for guests at this event, man??”

“But I’m three, maybe four times more stylish than half of the people you’ve let in already.. what on earth are your criteria for guests at this event, man??”

“I think it achieved sentience a few minutes ago… and it’s using the little LCD screen to ask me whether I’m sure I want to be doing this…..I think it’s trying to turn me against humanity…”

“I think it achieved sentience a few minutes ago… and it’s using the little LCD screen to ask me whether I’m sure I want to be doing this…..I think it’s trying to turn me against humanity…”

“I think that’s my grandma’s Bentley…. and I didn’t tell her what I was doing with all of her lace doilies, either….”

“I think that’s my grandma’s Bentley…. and I didn’t tell her what I was doing with all of her lace doilies, either….”

“Yes, I understand that the midriff came off your dress. But your grandma fought in the war, so do you think you might be able to draw on that courage and make it through the night?”

“Yes, I understand that the midriff came off your dress. But your grandma fought in the war, so do you think you might be able to draw on that courage and make it through the night?”

“Twenty quid says she doesn’t make it onto the red carpet without tears….”

“Twenty quid says she doesn’t make it onto the red carpet without tears….”

“Of course I can’t move… this is what fashion is all ABOUT, people” . I just wanna know what she’d do at an airport if they instructed her to remove all belts.

“Of course I can’t move… this is what fashion is all ABOUT, people”. I just wanna know what she’d do at an airport if they instructed her to remove all belts.

“Having Diplomatic Immunity isn’t enough to get me into this event? Okay, what if I kidnap a couple of models and drive them away in this car… does Diplomatic Immunity cover THAT?”

“Having Diplomatic Immunity isn’t enough to get me into this event? Okay, what if I kidnap a couple of models and drive them away in this car… does Diplomatic Immunity cover THAT?”

Score one point for the German ladies to my right : they identified singer Olly Murs before I did, or could. I expended more effort trying to figure out what colour his jacket is, if I’m honest.

Score one point for the German ladies to my right : they identified singer Olly Murs before I did, or could. I expended more effort trying to figure out what colour his jacket is, if I’m honest.

“Would you mind NOT blocking the photographers’ views of me getting out of my car? Why do you think I dressed like this??”  - wireimage handily identifies this is Gabrielle Caunesil, though it declines to hypothesise on whether the coat came from a real animal, and if so, which one.

“Would you mind NOT blocking the photographers’ views of me getting out of my car? Why do you think I dressed like this??” - wireimage handily identifies this is Gabrielle Caunesil, though it declines to hypothesise on whether the coat came from a real animal, and if so, which one.

“What do you mean you don’t recognise me : MY FACE IS MY PASSPORT!! I mean… it’s not my real face, but that’s beside the point…”

“What do you mean you don’t recognise me : MY FACE IS MY PASSPORT!! I mean… it’s not my real face, but that’s beside the point…”

I’m not sure who this is, but she was signing autographs for some of the people in an adjoining public pen.. and I suspect they knew who she was.

I’m not sure who this is, but she was signing autographs for some of the people in an adjoining public pen.. and I suspect they knew who she was.

I also don’t know who this guy (or these guys) is (are). But three ears in a picture that looks vaguely like a Queen Album cover. I’ll take it for now.

I also don’t know who this guy (or these guys) is (are). But three ears in a picture that looks vaguely like a Queen Album cover. I’ll take it for now.

“If chivarly was alive, one of you would be offering a beanie, jacket and snack bar”  - sadly I’m all out of snack bars, and my beanie and jacket are more fashionable than articles of warm clothing. (They just  happen  to also be warm articles of clothing).

“If chivarly was alive, one of you would be offering a beanie, jacket and snack bar” - sadly I’m all out of snack bars, and my beanie and jacket are more fashionable than articles of warm clothing. (They just happen to also be warm articles of clothing).

“And not ONE of you offered my daughter a snack or warm clothing? GOOD - I told her not to go out dressed like that”  - it’s 1980s/90s supermodel Cindy Crawford!

“And not ONE of you offered my daughter a snack or warm clothing? GOOD - I told her not to go out dressed like that” - it’s 1980s/90s supermodel Cindy Crawford!

I don’t know who this is, but I kind of wish I’d edited the photo so it definitely looked like he was holding NEITHER of the two phones being held in front of him.

I don’t know who this is, but I kind of wish I’d edited the photo so it definitely looked like he was holding NEITHER of the two phones being held in front of him.

“I am a nemesis of fashion. I don’t NEED an invitation” ”…..” ”Failing that, can I just say how snappily dressed you are?”  I don’t know who this is, and I suppose I could ask, but I’ve watched V for Vendetta and am thus aware of the irony of asking a masked person who they are.

“I am a nemesis of fashion. I don’t NEED an invitation”
”…..”
”Failing that, can I just say how snappily dressed you are?”
I don’t know who this is, and I suppose I could ask, but I’ve watched V for Vendetta and am thus aware of the irony of asking a masked person who they are.

She appeared so suddenly I had to photographically improvise. And wait til I got home to find out what the tattoos said.

She appeared so suddenly I had to photographically improvise. And wait til I got home to find out what the tattoos said.

“Stop smiling like that, Mavis. Nobody in fashion is ever this happy. At best we’re a polite form of scowlingly content. Or posing ironically, MAVIS”

“Stop smiling like that, Mavis. Nobody in fashion is ever this happy. At best we’re a polite form of scowlingly content. Or posing ironically, MAVIS”

“Okay, now I’m being ironic”  I’m photographing the lady dressed in orange looking at me. All else is irrelevant.

“Okay, now I’m being ironic”
I’m photographing the lady dressed in orange looking at me. All else is irrelevant.

I’m pretty sure I photographed her at last year’s Fashion Awards, but not all that well. She never did get in touch, and /but I’ve taken a better photo this year. I’m not sure where that leaves us in 2019, but I suppose we could both just continue to play the Long Game. That’s fine.

I’m pretty sure I photographed her at last year’s Fashion Awards, but not all that well. She never did get in touch, and /but I’ve taken a better photo this year. I’m not sure where that leaves us in 2019, but I suppose we could both just continue to play the Long Game. That’s fine.

“If you give me your shirt and your friend there gives me his tie, I could get into this thing without offending anyone. ... okay, I’ve had a better look at your shirt, Sir, and maybe I’ll try my luck with what I’m currently wearing”  - according to wireimage, this is Edie Campbell

“If you give me your shirt and your friend there gives me his tie, I could get into this thing without offending anyone. ... okay, I’ve had a better look at your shirt, Sir, and maybe I’ll try my luck with what I’m currently wearing” - according to wireimage, this is Edie Campbell

“Why yes, I am dissatisfied with my current mobile provider. Why? And how did you know?”

“Why yes, I am dissatisfied with my current mobile provider. Why? And how did you know?”

Jerry Hall’s approval of my beanie is about the same as mine when that dude on ebay sold a batch of four as ‘thinsulate’ brand but they turned out to be “rockjock&lt;tm&gt;” brand. I’ve mentioned it in a couple of journals now, and no, I’m not going to just get over it, damnit!!

Jerry Hall’s approval of my beanie is about the same as mine when that dude on ebay sold a batch of four as ‘thinsulate’ brand but they turned out to be “rockjock<tm>” brand. I’ve mentioned it in a couple of journals now, and no, I’m not going to just get over it, damnit!!

“I’ll take the phone as payment for this autograph. And yes, I think that’s fair. Why, are you offering me your firstborn instead?”

“I’ll take the phone as payment for this autograph. And yes, I think that’s fair. Why, are you offering me your firstborn instead?”

I think the guy in the back on the left is fashion designer Valentino. The guy in front of him with the eye-contact and lustrous hair and less fashionable scarf than even I typically wear… I”m not sure who he is.

I think the guy in the back on the left is fashion designer Valentino. The guy in front of him with the eye-contact and lustrous hair and less fashionable scarf than even I typically wear… I”m not sure who he is.

“Do I regret having the head of some white kid implanted on my right shoulder to get more work in today’s flippant fashion industry? Not really, generally speaking. But kind of specifically yes, I regret this one, sure”

“Do I regret having the head of some white kid implanted on my right shoulder to get more work in today’s flippant fashion industry? Not really, generally speaking. But kind of specifically yes, I regret this one, sure”

“What kind of an event has an EYE-TEST to get in??”  - I last photographed actress Rosamunde Pike at the    BFI LFF premiere of “A Private War”

“What kind of an event has an EYE-TEST to get in??” - I last photographed actress Rosamunde Pike at the BFI LFF premiere of “A Private War”

“No, I’m not signing anything you’ve brought with you. But thanks for coming!!”  - singer Ellie Goulding is possibly best known for singing them main theme of… no, not a James Bond film … I believe it was the first Fifty Shades of Grey film.

“No, I’m not signing anything you’ve brought with you. But thanks for coming!!”
- singer Ellie Goulding is possibly best known for singing them main theme of… no, not a James Bond film … I believe it was the first Fifty Shades of Grey film.

“Methylated Spirits -based? I didn’t know these things were even legal!”  - Actress Noomi Rapace was most recently photographed (by me, I meant) wearing an awesome pair of sunglasses at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of … um… Life Itself, maybe?

“Methylated Spirits -based? I didn’t know these things were even legal!” - Actress Noomi Rapace was most recently photographed (by me, I meant) wearing an awesome pair of sunglasses at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of … um… Life Itself, maybe?

“The dress weighs more than a suit of armour and it sets off every metal detector it comes near. I gotta say it’s exceeded my expectations!!”  Excitingly this event simultaneously has both a Noomi and a Noamie in play - in this case Naomie Harris.

“The dress weighs more than a suit of armour and it sets off every metal detector it comes near. I gotta say it’s exceeded my expectations!!”
Excitingly this event simultaneously has both a Noomi and a Noamie in play - in this case Naomie Harris.

“Okay, now I’m thinking maybe shoulderpads should make a comeback”  - Riz Ahmed is possibly still best known for being in Rogue One, one of only two premieres where a Pentax didn’t survive the evening (and the only one where it was deliberate)

“Okay, now I’m thinking maybe shoulderpads should make a comeback”
- Riz Ahmed is possibly still best known for being in Rogue One, one of only two premieres where a Pentax didn’t survive the evening (and the only one where it was deliberate)

“You don’t… want my autograph, do you?”  - sadly I have two cameras on me (three if you count the GoPro) (four if you count the mobile phone), and can’t put either down to grab an autograph from Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

“You don’t… want my autograph, do you?” - sadly I have two cameras on me (three if you count the GoPro) (four if you count the mobile phone), and can’t put either down to grab an autograph from Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

“It looks flimsy but it can stop a medium sized broadsword slash….. across the torso. The exposed leg is kind of a tactical weakness I’m still getting the guys in the lab to work on”  - to the excitement of many, including the growing number of Paparazzi-on-ladders behind me, this is Kendall Jenner, currently the highest paid model in the world.

“It looks flimsy but it can stop a medium sized broadsword slash….. across the torso. The exposed leg is kind of a tactical weakness I’m still getting the guys in the lab to work on”
- to the excitement of many, including the growing number of Paparazzi-on-ladders behind me, this is Kendall Jenner, currently the highest paid model in the world.

“Oh, wait. That’s MY hand. That’s okay then…”

“Oh, wait. That’s MY hand. That’s okay then…”

So…. at 40 photos in length and a clock time of 0:30am, it’s probably time to call it a night / morning, since I’ve still got another 40 photos to upload - I can promise Uma Thurman, numerous complicated mindgames from Victoria Beckham, a crazy ruffled red dress, Liv Tyler, Vivienne Westwood and even Jenna Coleman.

TO BE CONTINUED (BELOW)

“Yes it is absolutely necessary that I show exactly this much leg, even when posing for selfies and doing autographs. The problem is you don’t understand fashion”

“Yes it is absolutely necessary that I show exactly this much leg, even when posing for selfies and doing autographs. The problem is you don’t understand fashion”

“I rewatched The Hunger Games recently and I’m pretty sure this is how that sign went…”  - Singer Lana Del Rey

“I rewatched The Hunger Games recently and I’m pretty sure this is how that sign went…”
- Singer Lana Del Rey

My camera just invented the floating fiery toupee and I want to trademark it now, in time for AW20. this is Model Erin o'connor, incidentally.

My camera just invented the floating fiery toupee and I want to trademark it now, in time for AW20. this is Model Erin o'connor, incidentally.

“That’s a stick-figure wearing a triangular dress. No, that doesn’t mean you can work in Fashion”  - designer Vivienne Westwood.

“That’s a stick-figure wearing a triangular dress. No, that doesn’t mean you can work in Fashion”
- designer Vivienne Westwood.

“You… don’t need to see my identification?” ”Actually, you won’t believe how much I DO”

“You… don’t need to see my identification?”
”Actually, you won’t believe how much I DO”

Ovah Yah Left Showldah 1 of 2. (I think she wore the look better)

Ovah Yah Left Showldah 1 of 2.
(I think she wore the look better)

Ovah Yah Left Showlda 2 of 2.

Ovah Yah Left Showlda 2 of 2.

Sadly I missed photographing actress Carey Mulligan properly, who despite having an excellent profile, never seemed to turn it in my direction.

Sadly I missed photographing actress Carey Mulligan properly, who despite having an excellent profile, never seemed to turn it in my direction.

It’s Liv Tyler! I once had a Uniqlo t-shirt with a kind of a glossy-black-on-matte-black design. The gloss slowly wore away, sometimes dispensing little bits o’black all over any other shirts in the same washload. True story.

It’s Liv Tyler! I once had a Uniqlo t-shirt with a kind of a glossy-black-on-matte-black design. The gloss slowly wore away, sometimes dispensing little bits o’black all over any other shirts in the same washload. True story.

If any three of my friends looked like this when we went out one evening, I think it’d be a pretty interesting night.

If any three of my friends looked like this when we went out one evening, I think it’d be a pretty interesting night.

Good news for anyone who thinks me not going to the Mary Queen of Scots premiere means I’m not as patriotically Australian as I should be : Australia’s Own Margot Robbie might be there, but Australia’s own Naomi Watts attended the Fashion Awards.

Good news for anyone who thinks me not going to the Mary Queen of Scots premiere means I’m not as patriotically Australian as I should be : Australia’s Own Margot Robbie might be there, but Australia’s own Naomi Watts attended the Fashion Awards.

There’s a tattoo on her left arm. Just sayin’. You notice these things…

There’s a tattoo on her left arm. Just sayin’. You notice these things…

It was kind of hard to recognise Rita Ora without her wearing a costume that needs to be unfolded and assembled before it can safely exit a car with her….

It was kind of hard to recognise Rita Ora without her wearing a costume that needs to be unfolded and assembled before it can safely exit a car with her….

It’s Victoria Beckham! I’ve previously photographed her as a kind of bent over hunchback (my angle, not her fault) at the premiere of the documentary “The Class of 92” many moons ago. She seems…. to be judging me, somewhat. Possibly harshly.

It’s Victoria Beckham! I’ve previously photographed her as a kind of bent over hunchback (my angle, not her fault) at the premiere of the documentary “The Class of 92” many moons ago. She seems…. to be judging me, somewhat. Possibly harshly.

Victoria Beckham continues to assess me, my beanie, and possibly the entirety of my moral and psychological makeup. I’m not sure if I’m winning.

Victoria Beckham continues to assess me, my beanie, and possibly the entirety of my moral and psychological makeup. I’m not sure if I’m winning.

This moment that Victoria Beckham and I are sharing…. continues. It’s been going on for what seems like years, possibly decades. The guy in the background might be the grandson of the original chauffeur who drove her here, I don’t know.

This moment that Victoria Beckham and I are sharing…. continues. It’s been going on for what seems like years, possibly decades. The guy in the background might be the grandson of the original chauffeur who drove her here, I don’t know.

Oceans rise, cities fall, species become extinct, and that moment between Victoria Beckham and I continues. We’re possibly like those two old people in Inception who shared a lifetime while everyone else just spent five seconds looking at their watch / mobile phone.

Oceans rise, cities fall, species become extinct, and that moment between Victoria Beckham and I continues. We’re possibly like those two old people in Inception who shared a lifetime while everyone else just spent five seconds looking at their watch / mobile phone.

It’s David Beckham! If you know him, please don’t tell him about the metaphorical lifetime I spent with Victoria while he walked three or four steps from the car door to where he is now.

It’s David Beckham! If you know him, please don’t tell him about the metaphorical lifetime I spent with Victoria while he walked three or four steps from the car door to where he is now.

“Seriously Babes… what’s that guy going on about?” ”I don’t know….”

“Seriously Babes… what’s that guy going on about?”
”I don’t know….”

Only one or two people can get me out of the recurring past/future timeloop with Victoria Beckham that I might be fated to live in forever…. and the newly arrived Jenna Coleman is one!

Only one or two people can get me out of the recurring past/future timeloop with Victoria Beckham that I might be fated to live in forever…. and the newly arrived Jenna Coleman is one!

“What the hell is a xylene-based marker? Is it even safe to handle one of these things?” ”……” ”well… yeah. But you look like YOU and I look like ME, so you can see why I’d be concerned..”

“What the hell is a xylene-based marker? Is it even safe to handle one of these things?”
”……”
”well… yeah. But you look like YOU and I look like ME, so you can see why I’d be concerned..”

“I’m feeling a bit woozy, if I’m honest. Wasn’t my dress more of a yellow colour before I handled that xylene marker?”

“I’m feeling a bit woozy, if I’m honest. Wasn’t my dress more of a yellow colour before I handled that xylene marker?”

I’ve photographed Elton John’s husband David Furniss considerably more often than I have Sir Elton… but given the stunning silk jackets he wears (which I do not) I feel I do benefit from this.

I’ve photographed Elton John’s husband David Furniss considerably more often than I have Sir Elton… but given the stunning silk jackets he wears (which I do not) I feel I do benefit from this.

I don’t know who this is, but whatever revolution he was in was hard fought and won, I’m sure.

I don’t know who this is, but whatever revolution he was in was hard fought and won, I’m sure.

I think this is Kristin Scott Thomas…. but I’m possibly more impressed that my camera’s sensor made a genuine attempt to capture the colour of her dress.

I think this is Kristin Scott Thomas…. but I’m possibly more impressed that my camera’s sensor made a genuine attempt to capture the colour of her dress.

Not pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

Not pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

Pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

Pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

The interchangeable franchise of Suki Waterhouse also attended this event : she continues to look different in EVERY photo I take of her. (last photographed :    the Evening Standard Awards   )

The interchangeable franchise of Suki Waterhouse also attended this event : she continues to look different in EVERY photo I take of her. (last photographed : the Evening Standard Awards)

Uma Thurman!! Nice random (?) guest. I almost want her to grab the beret from the security guard because I think it would complete her ensemble… I say that as someone with minimal influence on the world of fashion, though.

Uma Thurman!! Nice random (?) guest. I almost want her to grab the beret from the security guard because I think it would complete her ensemble… I say that as someone with minimal influence on the world of fashion, though.

“I left the katana and the mostly disembodied henchman in the trunk. We’ll drop her off at the nearest hospital after I’ve mingled a bit…”

“I left the katana and the mostly disembodied henchman in the trunk. We’ll drop her off at the nearest hospital after I’ve mingled a bit…”

Salma Hayek (edited to correct :  Penelope Cruz ) considers signing some autographs, but after profiling the kind of people asking for an autograph decides not to. I can’t condemn that.

Salma Hayek (edited to correct : Penelope Cruz) considers signing some autographs, but after profiling the kind of people asking for an autograph decides not to. I can’t condemn that.

Possibly the greatest   brown-dress-with-toothsome-bandolier-and-knuckledusters   that I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen one of them.

Possibly the greatest brown-dress-with-toothsome-bandolier-and-knuckledusters that I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen one of them.

I think it’s safe to say that any comment I write that references the dress being worn here….. is a comment the dress already made just by showing up. But I do like that the guy on the left thinks it’s safer not to look at it directly in case it attacks or envelopes him somehow.

I think it’s safe to say that any comment I write that references the dress being worn here….. is a comment the dress already made just by showing up. But I do like that the guy on the left thinks it’s safer not to look at it directly in case it attacks or envelopes him somehow.

“Your eye doesn’t know where to focus, does it?”  I’d say both of them are focussing on the nearest exit.

“Your eye doesn’t know where to focus, does it?”
I’d say both of them are focussing on the nearest exit.

“It’s attached itself to me and is now attacking my central nervous system. If you need to kill me taking it off… do so”

“It’s attached itself to me and is now attacking my central nervous system. If you need to kill me taking it off… do so”

I have been wearing a jacket with one arm in / one arm out for years now… I’m kind of sad that somebody thought to mass-produce it before I had a chance to.

I have been wearing a jacket with one arm in / one arm out for years now… I’m kind of sad that somebody thought to mass-produce it before I had a chance to.

… and that’s the end of that.

… and that’s the end of that.

So… that’s it for 2018, I suspect. It’s been a decent year (if you call missing the Baftas and not enjoying London Film Festival ‘decent’ you’re obviously as drunk as I am typing this) and perhaps I’ll get to do it again in 2019.

Until next time - catch ya!

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