The 2018 Fashion Awards, Royal Albert Hall

December 10th, 2018.

When the premiere of ‘Mary, Queen of Scots’ was announced to coincide with the 2018 Fashion Awards, I was torn. The website I own IS called “premieres.co” and yet I really like the randomness and fun of the Fashion Awards. And given MQOS starred Australia’s Own Margot Robbie, and my residency status with regard to Australia is kind of dicey, could I really afford to be seen as being so unpatriotic as to NOT attend the premiere?

Ummm….. yeah. Probably. Here’s how it went down:

 Depending on your opinion of how maths works, this year I’ve photographed somewhere between 63 and 68 premieres. And I gave up a 64th (69th) by choosing the GQ Awards over the premiere of “The House With A Clock In Its Walls”. Here I’m giving up a 65th (or 64th) (or 68th/69th) to do… fashion. Baby.

Depending on your opinion of how maths works, this year I’ve photographed somewhere between 63 and 68 premieres. And I gave up a 64th (69th) by choosing the GQ Awards over the premiere of “The House With A Clock In Its Walls”. Here I’m giving up a 65th (or 64th) (or 68th/69th) to do… fashion. Baby.

 As a font, I’d say the thing they’re using is better than Comic Sans, but not exactly legible.

As a font, I’d say the thing they’re using is better than Comic Sans, but not exactly legible.

  “Of course I don’t have a ticket or wristband for this event : LOOK AT HOW I’M DRESSED, DAMNIT! This is fashion”.  This is (allegedly) fashion.

“Of course I don’t have a ticket or wristband for this event : LOOK AT HOW I’M DRESSED, DAMNIT! This is fashion”. This is (allegedly) fashion.

 We begin, and I’m quickly forced to admit to the nice German ladies to my right that, no, I don’t know who these people are. Hey, I’ve only done eight or nine or twelve London Fashion Weeks and the Fashion Awards in 2015, 2016, 2017 (and this year)

We begin, and I’m quickly forced to admit to the nice German ladies to my right that, no, I don’t know who these people are. Hey, I’ve only done eight or nine or twelve London Fashion Weeks and the Fashion Awards in 2015, 2016, 2017 (and this year)

  “If your uncovered ears weren’t so bright, I wouldn’t HAVE to wear sunglasses at night, Rachel! That said, I know I look fabulous and I suppose I have you to thank for that. It’s a mixed compliment, is what this is”

“If your uncovered ears weren’t so bright, I wouldn’t HAVE to wear sunglasses at night, Rachel! That said, I know I look fabulous and I suppose I have you to thank for that. It’s a mixed compliment, is what this is”

  “But I’m three, maybe four times more stylish than half of the people you’ve let in already.. what on earth are your criteria for guests at this event, man??”

“But I’m three, maybe four times more stylish than half of the people you’ve let in already.. what on earth are your criteria for guests at this event, man??”

  “I think it achieved sentience a few minutes ago… and it’s using the little LCD screen to ask me whether I’m sure I want to be doing this…..I think it’s trying to turn me against humanity…”

“I think it achieved sentience a few minutes ago… and it’s using the little LCD screen to ask me whether I’m sure I want to be doing this…..I think it’s trying to turn me against humanity…”

  “I think that’s my grandma’s Bentley…. and I didn’t tell her what I was doing with all of her lace doilies, either….”

“I think that’s my grandma’s Bentley…. and I didn’t tell her what I was doing with all of her lace doilies, either….”

  “Yes, I understand that the midriff came off your dress. But your grandma fought in the war, so do you think you might be able to draw on that courage and make it through the night?”

“Yes, I understand that the midriff came off your dress. But your grandma fought in the war, so do you think you might be able to draw on that courage and make it through the night?”

  “Twenty quid says she doesn’t make it onto the red carpet without tears….”

“Twenty quid says she doesn’t make it onto the red carpet without tears….”

  “Of course I can’t move… this is what fashion is all ABOUT, people” . I just wanna know what she’d do at an airport if they instructed her to remove all belts.

“Of course I can’t move… this is what fashion is all ABOUT, people”. I just wanna know what she’d do at an airport if they instructed her to remove all belts.

  “Having Diplomatic Immunity isn’t enough to get me into this event? Okay, what if I kidnap a couple of models and drive them away in this car… does Diplomatic Immunity cover THAT?”

“Having Diplomatic Immunity isn’t enough to get me into this event? Okay, what if I kidnap a couple of models and drive them away in this car… does Diplomatic Immunity cover THAT?”

 Score one point for the German ladies to my right : they identified singer Olly Murs before I did, or could. I expended more effort trying to figure out what colour his jacket is, if I’m honest.

Score one point for the German ladies to my right : they identified singer Olly Murs before I did, or could. I expended more effort trying to figure out what colour his jacket is, if I’m honest.

  “Would you mind NOT blocking the photographers’ views of me getting out of my car? Why do you think I dressed like this??”  - wireimage handily identifies this is Gabrielle Caunesil, though it declines to hypothesise on whether the coat came from a real animal, and if so, which one.

“Would you mind NOT blocking the photographers’ views of me getting out of my car? Why do you think I dressed like this??” - wireimage handily identifies this is Gabrielle Caunesil, though it declines to hypothesise on whether the coat came from a real animal, and if so, which one.

  “What do you mean you don’t recognise me : MY FACE IS MY PASSPORT!! I mean… it’s not my real face, but that’s beside the point…”

“What do you mean you don’t recognise me : MY FACE IS MY PASSPORT!! I mean… it’s not my real face, but that’s beside the point…”

 I’m not sure who this is, but she was signing autographs for some of the people in an adjoining public pen.. and I suspect they knew who she was.

I’m not sure who this is, but she was signing autographs for some of the people in an adjoining public pen.. and I suspect they knew who she was.

 I also don’t know who this guy (or these guys) is (are). But three ears in a picture that looks vaguely like a Queen Album cover. I’ll take it for now.

I also don’t know who this guy (or these guys) is (are). But three ears in a picture that looks vaguely like a Queen Album cover. I’ll take it for now.

  “If chivarly was alive, one of you would be offering a beanie, jacket and snack bar”  - sadly I’m all out of snack bars, and my beanie and jacket are more fashionable than articles of warm clothing. (They just  happen  to also be warm articles of clothing).

“If chivarly was alive, one of you would be offering a beanie, jacket and snack bar” - sadly I’m all out of snack bars, and my beanie and jacket are more fashionable than articles of warm clothing. (They just happen to also be warm articles of clothing).

  “And not ONE of you offered my daughter a snack or warm clothing? GOOD - I told her not to go out dressed like that”  - it’s 1980s/90s supermodel Cindy Crawford!

“And not ONE of you offered my daughter a snack or warm clothing? GOOD - I told her not to go out dressed like that” - it’s 1980s/90s supermodel Cindy Crawford!

 I don’t know who this is, but I kind of wish I’d edited the photo so it definitely looked like he was holding NEITHER of the two phones being held in front of him.

I don’t know who this is, but I kind of wish I’d edited the photo so it definitely looked like he was holding NEITHER of the two phones being held in front of him.

  “I am a nemesis of fashion. I don’t NEED an invitation” ”…..” ”Failing that, can I just say how snappily dressed you are?”  I don’t know who this is, and I suppose I could ask, but I’ve watched V for Vendetta and am thus aware of the irony of asking a masked person who they are.

“I am a nemesis of fashion. I don’t NEED an invitation”
”…..”
”Failing that, can I just say how snappily dressed you are?”
I don’t know who this is, and I suppose I could ask, but I’ve watched V for Vendetta and am thus aware of the irony of asking a masked person who they are.

 She appeared so suddenly I had to photographically improvise. And wait til I got home to find out what the tattoos said.

She appeared so suddenly I had to photographically improvise. And wait til I got home to find out what the tattoos said.

  “Stop smiling like that, Mavis. Nobody in fashion is ever this happy. At best we’re a polite form of scowlingly content. Or posing ironically, MAVIS”

“Stop smiling like that, Mavis. Nobody in fashion is ever this happy. At best we’re a polite form of scowlingly content. Or posing ironically, MAVIS”

  “Okay, now I’m being ironic”  I’m photographing the lady dressed in orange looking at me. All else is irrelevant.

“Okay, now I’m being ironic”
I’m photographing the lady dressed in orange looking at me. All else is irrelevant.

 I’m pretty sure I photographed her at last year’s Fashion Awards, but not all that well. She never did get in touch, and /but I’ve taken a better photo this year. I’m not sure where that leaves us in 2019, but I suppose we could both just continue to play the Long Game. That’s fine.

I’m pretty sure I photographed her at last year’s Fashion Awards, but not all that well. She never did get in touch, and /but I’ve taken a better photo this year. I’m not sure where that leaves us in 2019, but I suppose we could both just continue to play the Long Game. That’s fine.

  “If you give me your shirt and your friend there gives me his tie, I could get into this thing without offending anyone. ... okay, I’ve had a better look at your shirt, Sir, and maybe I’ll try my luck with what I’m currently wearing”  - according to wireimage, this is Edie Campbell

“If you give me your shirt and your friend there gives me his tie, I could get into this thing without offending anyone. ... okay, I’ve had a better look at your shirt, Sir, and maybe I’ll try my luck with what I’m currently wearing” - according to wireimage, this is Edie Campbell

  “Why yes, I am dissatisfied with my current mobile provider. Why? And how did you know?”

“Why yes, I am dissatisfied with my current mobile provider. Why? And how did you know?”

 Jerry Hall’s approval of my beanie is about the same as mine when that dude on ebay sold a batch of four as ‘thinsulate’ brand but they turned out to be “rockjock<tm>” brand. I’ve mentioned it in a couple of journals now, and no, I’m not going to just get over it, damnit!!

Jerry Hall’s approval of my beanie is about the same as mine when that dude on ebay sold a batch of four as ‘thinsulate’ brand but they turned out to be “rockjock<tm>” brand. I’ve mentioned it in a couple of journals now, and no, I’m not going to just get over it, damnit!!

  “I’ll take the phone as payment for this autograph. And yes, I think that’s fair. Why, are you offering me your firstborn instead?”

“I’ll take the phone as payment for this autograph. And yes, I think that’s fair. Why, are you offering me your firstborn instead?”

 I think the guy in the back on the left is fashion designer Valentino. The guy in front of him with the eye-contact and lustrous hair and less fashionable scarf than even I typically wear… I”m not sure who he is.

I think the guy in the back on the left is fashion designer Valentino. The guy in front of him with the eye-contact and lustrous hair and less fashionable scarf than even I typically wear… I”m not sure who he is.

  “Do I regret having the head of some white kid implanted on my right shoulder to get more work in today’s flippant fashion industry? Not really, generally speaking. But kind of specifically yes, I regret this one, sure”

“Do I regret having the head of some white kid implanted on my right shoulder to get more work in today’s flippant fashion industry? Not really, generally speaking. But kind of specifically yes, I regret this one, sure”

  “What kind of an event has an EYE-TEST to get in??”  - I last photographed actress Rosamunde Pike at the    BFI LFF premiere of “A Private War”

“What kind of an event has an EYE-TEST to get in??” - I last photographed actress Rosamunde Pike at the BFI LFF premiere of “A Private War”

  “No, I’m not signing anything you’ve brought with you. But thanks for coming!!”  - singer Ellie Goulding is possibly best known for singing them main theme of… no, not a James Bond film … I believe it was the first Fifty Shades of Grey film.

“No, I’m not signing anything you’ve brought with you. But thanks for coming!!”
- singer Ellie Goulding is possibly best known for singing them main theme of… no, not a James Bond film … I believe it was the first Fifty Shades of Grey film.

  “Methylated Spirits -based? I didn’t know these things were even legal!”  - Actress Noomi Rapace was most recently photographed (by me, I meant) wearing an awesome pair of sunglasses at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of … um… Life Itself, maybe?

“Methylated Spirits -based? I didn’t know these things were even legal!” - Actress Noomi Rapace was most recently photographed (by me, I meant) wearing an awesome pair of sunglasses at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of … um… Life Itself, maybe?

  “The dress weighs more than a suit of armour and it sets off every metal detector it comes near. I gotta say it’s exceeded my expectations!!”  Excitingly this event simultaneously has both a Noomi and a Noamie in play - in this case Naomie Harris.

“The dress weighs more than a suit of armour and it sets off every metal detector it comes near. I gotta say it’s exceeded my expectations!!”
Excitingly this event simultaneously has both a Noomi and a Noamie in play - in this case Naomie Harris.

  “Okay, now I’m thinking maybe shoulderpads should make a comeback”  - Riz Ahmed is possibly still best known for being in Rogue One, one of only two premieres where a Pentax didn’t survive the evening (and the only one where it was deliberate)

“Okay, now I’m thinking maybe shoulderpads should make a comeback”
- Riz Ahmed is possibly still best known for being in Rogue One, one of only two premieres where a Pentax didn’t survive the evening (and the only one where it was deliberate)

  “You don’t… want my autograph, do you?”  - sadly I have two cameras on me (three if you count the GoPro) (four if you count the mobile phone), and can’t put either down to grab an autograph from Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

“You don’t… want my autograph, do you?” - sadly I have two cameras on me (three if you count the GoPro) (four if you count the mobile phone), and can’t put either down to grab an autograph from Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

  “It looks flimsy but it can stop a medium sized broadsword slash….. across the torso. The exposed leg is kind of a tactical weakness I’m still getting the guys in the lab to work on”  - to the excitement of many, including the growing number of Paparazzi-on-ladders behind me, this is Kendall Jenner, currently the highest paid model in the world.

“It looks flimsy but it can stop a medium sized broadsword slash….. across the torso. The exposed leg is kind of a tactical weakness I’m still getting the guys in the lab to work on”
- to the excitement of many, including the growing number of Paparazzi-on-ladders behind me, this is Kendall Jenner, currently the highest paid model in the world.

  “Oh, wait. That’s MY hand. That’s okay then…”

“Oh, wait. That’s MY hand. That’s okay then…”

So…. at 40 photos in length and a clock time of 0:30am, it’s probably time to call it a night / morning, since I’ve still got another 40 photos to upload - I can promise Uma Thurman, numerous complicated mindgames from Victoria Beckham, a crazy ruffled red dress, Liv Tyler, Vivienne Westwood and even Jenna Coleman.

TO BE CONTINUED (BELOW)

  “Yes it is absolutely necessary that I show exactly this much leg, even when posing for selfies and doing autographs. The problem is you don’t understand fashion”

“Yes it is absolutely necessary that I show exactly this much leg, even when posing for selfies and doing autographs. The problem is you don’t understand fashion”

  “I rewatched The Hunger Games recently and I’m pretty sure this is how that sign went…”  - Singer Lana Del Rey

“I rewatched The Hunger Games recently and I’m pretty sure this is how that sign went…”
- Singer Lana Del Rey

 My camera just invented the floating fiery toupee and I want to trademark it now, in time for AW20. this is Model Erin o'connor, incidentally.

My camera just invented the floating fiery toupee and I want to trademark it now, in time for AW20. this is Model Erin o'connor, incidentally.

  “That’s a stick-figure wearing a triangular dress. No, that doesn’t mean you can work in Fashion”  - designer Vivienne Westwood.

“That’s a stick-figure wearing a triangular dress. No, that doesn’t mean you can work in Fashion”
- designer Vivienne Westwood.

  “You… don’t need to see my identification?” ”Actually, you won’t believe how much I DO”

“You… don’t need to see my identification?”
”Actually, you won’t believe how much I DO”

 Ovah Yah Left Showldah 1 of 2. (I think she wore the look better)

Ovah Yah Left Showldah 1 of 2.
(I think she wore the look better)

 Ovah Yah Left Showlda 2 of 2.

Ovah Yah Left Showlda 2 of 2.

 Sadly I missed photographing actress Carey Mulligan properly, who despite having an excellent profile, never seemed to turn it in my direction.

Sadly I missed photographing actress Carey Mulligan properly, who despite having an excellent profile, never seemed to turn it in my direction.

 It’s Liv Tyler! I once had a Uniqlo t-shirt with a kind of a glossy-black-on-matte-black design. The gloss slowly wore away, sometimes dispensing little bits o’black all over any other shirts in the same washload. True story.

It’s Liv Tyler! I once had a Uniqlo t-shirt with a kind of a glossy-black-on-matte-black design. The gloss slowly wore away, sometimes dispensing little bits o’black all over any other shirts in the same washload. True story.

 If any three of my friends looked like this when we went out one evening, I think it’d be a pretty interesting night.

If any three of my friends looked like this when we went out one evening, I think it’d be a pretty interesting night.

 Good news for anyone who thinks me not going to the Mary Queen of Scots premiere means I’m not as patriotically Australian as I should be : Australia’s Own Margot Robbie might be there, but Australia’s own Naomi Watts attended the Fashion Awards.

Good news for anyone who thinks me not going to the Mary Queen of Scots premiere means I’m not as patriotically Australian as I should be : Australia’s Own Margot Robbie might be there, but Australia’s own Naomi Watts attended the Fashion Awards.

 There’s a tattoo on her left arm. Just sayin’. You notice these things…

There’s a tattoo on her left arm. Just sayin’. You notice these things…

 It was kind of hard to recognise Rita Ora without her wearing a costume that needs to be unfolded and assembled before it can safely exit a car with her….

It was kind of hard to recognise Rita Ora without her wearing a costume that needs to be unfolded and assembled before it can safely exit a car with her….

 It’s Victoria Beckham! I’ve previously photographed her as a kind of bent over hunchback (my angle, not her fault) at the premiere of the documentary “The Class of 92” many moons ago. She seems…. to be judging me, somewhat. Possibly harshly.

It’s Victoria Beckham! I’ve previously photographed her as a kind of bent over hunchback (my angle, not her fault) at the premiere of the documentary “The Class of 92” many moons ago. She seems…. to be judging me, somewhat. Possibly harshly.

 Victoria Beckham continues to assess me, my beanie, and possibly the entirety of my moral and psychological makeup. I’m not sure if I’m winning.

Victoria Beckham continues to assess me, my beanie, and possibly the entirety of my moral and psychological makeup. I’m not sure if I’m winning.

 This moment that Victoria Beckham and I continues. It’s been going on for what seems like years, possibly decades. The guy in the background might be the grandson of the original chauffeur who drove her here, I don’t know.

This moment that Victoria Beckham and I continues. It’s been going on for what seems like years, possibly decades. The guy in the background might be the grandson of the original chauffeur who drove her here, I don’t know.

 Oceans rise, cities fall, species become extinct, and that moment between Victoria Beckham and I continues. We’re possibly like those two old people in Inception who shared a lifetime while everyone else just spent five seconds looking at their watch / mobile phone.

Oceans rise, cities fall, species become extinct, and that moment between Victoria Beckham and I continues. We’re possibly like those two old people in Inception who shared a lifetime while everyone else just spent five seconds looking at their watch / mobile phone.

 It’s David Beckham! If you know him, please don’t tell him about the metaphorical lifetime I spent with Victoria while he walked three or four steps from the car door to where he is now.

It’s David Beckham! If you know him, please don’t tell him about the metaphorical lifetime I spent with Victoria while he walked three or four steps from the car door to where he is now.

  “Seriously Babes… what’s that guy going on about?” ”I don’t know….”

“Seriously Babes… what’s that guy going on about?”
”I don’t know….”

 Only one or two people can get me out of the recurring past/future timeloop with Victoria Beckham that I might be fated to live in forever…. and the newly arrived Jenna Coleman is one!

Only one or two people can get me out of the recurring past/future timeloop with Victoria Beckham that I might be fated to live in forever…. and the newly arrived Jenna Coleman is one!

  “What the hell is a xylene-based marker? Is it even safe to handle one of these things?” ”……” ”well… yeah. But you look like YOU and I look like ME, so you can see why I’d be concerned..”

“What the hell is a xylene-based marker? Is it even safe to handle one of these things?”
”……”
”well… yeah. But you look like YOU and I look like ME, so you can see why I’d be concerned..”

  “I’m feeling a bit woozy, if I’m honest. Wasn’t my dress more of a yellow colour before I handled that xylene marker?”

“I’m feeling a bit woozy, if I’m honest. Wasn’t my dress more of a yellow colour before I handled that xylene marker?”

 I’ve photographed Elton John’s husband David Furniss considerably more often than I have Sir Elton… but given the stunning silk jackets he wears (which I do not) I feel I do benefit from this.

I’ve photographed Elton John’s husband David Furniss considerably more often than I have Sir Elton… but given the stunning silk jackets he wears (which I do not) I feel I do benefit from this.

 I don’t know who this is, but whatever revolution he was in was hard fought and won, I’m sure.

I don’t know who this is, but whatever revolution he was in was hard fought and won, I’m sure.

 I think this is Kristin Scott Thomas…. but I’m possibly more impressed that my camera’s sensor made a genuine attempt to capture the colour of her dress.

I think this is Kristin Scott Thomas…. but I’m possibly more impressed that my camera’s sensor made a genuine attempt to capture the colour of her dress.

 Not pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

Not pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

 Pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

Pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

 The interchangeable franchise of Suki Waterhouse also attended this event : she continues to look different in EVERY photo I take of her. (last photographed :    the Evening Standard Awards   )

The interchangeable franchise of Suki Waterhouse also attended this event : she continues to look different in EVERY photo I take of her. (last photographed : the Evening Standard Awards)

 Uma Thurman!! Nice random (?) guest. I almost want her to grab the beret from the security guard because I think it would complete her ensemble… I say that as someone with minimal influence on the world of fashion, though.

Uma Thurman!! Nice random (?) guest. I almost want her to grab the beret from the security guard because I think it would complete her ensemble… I say that as someone with minimal influence on the world of fashion, though.

  “I left the katana and the mostly disembodied henchman in the trunk. We’ll drop her off at the nearest hospital after I’ve mingled a bit…”

“I left the katana and the mostly disembodied henchman in the trunk. We’ll drop her off at the nearest hospital after I’ve mingled a bit…”

 Salma Hayek (edited to correct :  Penelope Cruz ) considers signing some autographs, but after profiling the kind of people asking for an autograph decides not to. I can’t condemn that.

Salma Hayek (edited to correct : Penelope Cruz) considers signing some autographs, but after profiling the kind of people asking for an autograph decides not to. I can’t condemn that.

 Possibly the greatest   brown-dress-with-toothsome-bandolier-and-knuckledusters   that I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen one of them.

Possibly the greatest brown-dress-with-toothsome-bandolier-and-knuckledusters that I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen one of them.

 I think it’s safe to say that any comment I write that references the dress being worn here….. is a comment the dress already made just by showing up. But I do like that the guy on the left thinks it’s safer not to look at it directly in case it attacks or envelopes him somehow.

I think it’s safe to say that any comment I write that references the dress being worn here….. is a comment the dress already made just by showing up. But I do like that the guy on the left thinks it’s safer not to look at it directly in case it attacks or envelopes him somehow.

  “Your eye doesn’t know where to focus, does it?”  I’d say both of them are focussing on the nearest exit.

“Your eye doesn’t know where to focus, does it?”
I’d say both of them are focussing on the nearest exit.

  “It’s attached itself to me and is now attacking my central nervous system. If you need to kill me taking it off… do so”

“It’s attached itself to me and is now attacking my central nervous system. If you need to kill me taking it off… do so”

 I have been wearing a jacket with one arm in / one arm out for years now… I’m kind of sad that somebody thought to mass-produce it before I had a chance to.

I have been wearing a jacket with one arm in / one arm out for years now… I’m kind of sad that somebody thought to mass-produce it before I had a chance to.

 … and that’s the end of that.

… and that’s the end of that.

So… that’s it for 2018, I suspect. It’s been a decent year (if you call missing the Baftas and not enjoying London Film Festival ‘decent’ you’re obviously as drunk as I am typing this) and perhaps I’ll get to do it again in 2019.

Until next time - catch ya!

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Twitter : here
Archive of Premieres : here

The 2018 Evening Standard Theatre Awards

November 18th, 2018.

Every year for the past few years, I’ve attended the Olivier Awards and had to admit that as I don’t go to the theatre, I have a lot of difficulty identifying many of the most talented thespians treading various boards around London. But it’s only once a year, so I figure I can handle the embarrassment. Then, about six months later, I remember the Evening Standard Awards (2015, 2016, 2017…) , and I get to do it all over again, except this time in considerably colder weather.

Of course I love it. Here’s how it went down (note : commentary now updated with all the winners, and photos added at the end for all the winners I originally failed to upload):

 It’s a slightly different setup this year : carpet on the road, and a protective marquee for stars to be photographed under. Sadly, your good friend and mine DJ Impact was not called upon to provide warmup duties at this event (between you and me, I think the Great Unwashed are at best tolerated at the roadside of this event)

It’s a slightly different setup this year : carpet on the road, and a protective marquee for stars to be photographed under. Sadly, your good friend and mine DJ Impact was not called upon to provide warmup duties at this event (between you and me, I think the Great Unwashed are at best tolerated at the roadside of this event)

 We start the evening’s proceedings off in the traditional, time-honoured way : our first guest has arrived, and I have no idea who he is.  (Subsequently - and embarrassingly - identified as Jamael Westman, who won the Emerging Talent Award on the night)

We start the evening’s proceedings off in the traditional, time-honoured way : our first guest has arrived, and I have no idea who he is. (Subsequently - and embarrassingly - identified as Jamael Westman, who won the Emerging Talent Award on the night)

 In much better news for my capacity to appear cultured, the mighty Wireimage.com has uploaded its tagged photos from the evening, so I can state beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is   Rona Morison   … and state with equally fervent certainty that I sadly have no idea who she is.

In much better news for my capacity to appear cultured, the mighty Wireimage.com has uploaded its tagged photos from the evening, so I can state beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is Rona Morison … and state with equally fervent certainty that I sadly have no idea who she is.

 Good news : I actually DO know who Arinze Kene is and not just because I’ve photographed him at a previous Evening Standard Theatre Awards : No, I’ve also photographed him at a premiere - the BFI Flare    premiere for the movie “The Pass”

Good news : I actually DO know who Arinze Kene is and not just because I’ve photographed him at a previous Evening Standard Theatre Awards : No, I’ve also photographed him at a premiere - the BFI Flare premiere for the movie “The Pass”

  “Tried smiling once. Didn’t like it”  (later identified as : Chris Walley, who was nominated for a Best Emerging Talent award for ‘The Lieutenant of Inishmore’)

“Tried smiling once. Didn’t like it”
(later identified as : Chris Walley, who was nominated for a Best Emerging Talent award for ‘The Lieutenant of Inishmore’)

  “I’m sorry, I have no recollection of having been in a Marvel, Star Wars or Hunger Games. You’ve probably mistaken me for one of those Hemsworths…”  (subsequently identified as: Samuel West)

“I’m sorry, I have no recollection of having been in a Marvel, Star Wars or Hunger Games. You’ve probably mistaken me for one of those Hemsworths…” (subsequently identified as: Samuel West)

 Good news : Disney might have had a barbed-wire, robot-sentry gun patroled and mine-field strewn    “European” premiere for Black Panther    to which the public were wholly unwelcome… but between this event and the    2018 GQ Awards   , I’ve now photographed 3 of the cast : this is Letitia Wright who plays the 16 year old head scientist / 16 year old head surgeon of the kingdom Wakanda.

Good news : Disney might have had a barbed-wire, robot-sentry gun patroled and mine-field strewn “European” premiere for Black Panther to which the public were wholly unwelcome… but between this event and the 2018 GQ Awards, I’ve now photographed 3 of the cast : this is Letitia Wright who plays the 16 year old head scientist / 16 year old head surgeon of the kingdom Wakanda.

  “Nah… I think I’ve got it. As a surgeon / scientist the skills required to balance on a skateboard are fairly fundamental”

“Nah… I think I’ve got it. As a surgeon / scientist the skills required to balance on a skateboard are fairly fundamental”

  “What do you mean, “you’ve finally got me” ? Is that meant to be a good thing, or just something you kids just say?”  - I’d actually never photographed actress Fiona Shaw - arguably best known for playing Petunia Dursley in the Harry Potter Saga (she played Harry’s aunt) - she was in (but not at the premiere of)    the movie Colette   .

“What do you mean, “you’ve finally got me” ? Is that meant to be a good thing, or just something you kids just say?” - I’d actually never photographed actress Fiona Shaw - arguably best known for playing Petunia Dursley in the Harry Potter Saga (she played Harry’s aunt) - she was in (but not at the premiere of) the movie Colette.

  “You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve just been “finally got” and I’m still not sure what to make of that”

“You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve just been “finally got” and I’m still not sure what to make of that”

  “You appear to have no tickets, no interest in theatre, and no idea where you actually are. What makes you think we’ll let you in??” ”The way I’m dressed; the way I’m casually smoking this cigarette; and the way I’m calling you Babes,.. Babes.”

“You appear to have no tickets, no interest in theatre, and no idea where you actually are. What makes you think we’ll let you in??”
”The way I’m dressed; the way I’m casually smoking this cigarette; and the way I’m calling you Babes,.. Babes.”

  “Just because I was in that movie doesn’t mean I’m about to sign autographs…”  - Anna Wintour might be best known as a longtime editor of Vogue, but her imdb credits include Oceans 8 and Zoolander 2.

“Just because I was in that movie doesn’t mean I’m about to sign autographs…” - Anna Wintour might be best known as a longtime editor of Vogue, but her imdb credits include Oceans 8 and Zoolander 2.

  “Gotta be honest, other than the dude wearing the white hoodie under a black jacket, I strongly doubt ANY of you have anything to do with the world of fashion.” . I was wearing a grey hoodie under a leather jacket. It was so 2005….

“Gotta be honest, other than the dude wearing the white hoodie under a black jacket, I strongly doubt ANY of you have anything to do with the world of fashion.”. I was wearing a grey hoodie under a leather jacket. It was so 2005….

  “Just so long as your opinions on politics are less extreme than your opinions on theatre we might get along….”  Personally, my opinions on either of those are less extreme than my views on hordes of perpetually texting douchebag millennials crowding the Orders counter of my local cafe. They need to be shot.

“Just so long as your opinions on politics are less extreme than your opinions on theatre we might get along….” Personally, my opinions on either of those are less extreme than my views on hordes of perpetually texting douchebag millennials crowding the Orders counter of my local cafe. They need to be shot.

 I don’t know who this is, but the dealers were screaming out “STEVEN!!!” (possibly “STEPHEN!!!”) and I rescued a shot of him from full silhouette just to see how much shadow detail can be retrieved from the Nikon. Turns out its a lot. I’m still not sure who he is, though.  (subsequent estimation : Steven Mangan?)

I don’t know who this is, but the dealers were screaming out “STEVEN!!!” (possibly “STEPHEN!!!”) and I rescued a shot of him from full silhouette just to see how much shadow detail can be retrieved from the Nikon. Turns out its a lot. I’m still not sure who he is, though.
(subsequent estimation : Steven Mangan?)

  “As you can see, I forgot my ticket” . I tried that on a ticket inspector on my train network once. But I was not attired quite like this.

“As you can see, I forgot my ticket”.
I tried that on a ticket inspector on my train network once. But I was not attired quite like this.

  “That’s not really the movie I want to be remembered for, but okay…”  - along with having a role in the second (original) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, I’ve photographed Laura Linney only once - at    the premiere of Mr Holmes.

“That’s not really the movie I want to be remembered for, but okay…” - along with having a role in the second (original) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, I’ve photographed Laura Linney only once - at the premiere of Mr Holmes.

 I don’t know who ANY of these people (excepting for now the lady in the blue dress who I ‘met’ two photos ago) but you have to admit photographing them in bulk is much more efficient than doing so individually.  (psst.. I think this is the cast of ‘Hamilton’, possibly the most famous musical in the world right now, and they won ‘Best Musical’ on the night, AND note the tall man on the right, who is Jamael Westman, who won the Emerging Talent Award on the night)

I don’t know who ANY of these people (excepting for now the lady in the blue dress who I ‘met’ two photos ago) but you have to admit photographing them in bulk is much more efficient than doing so individually.
(psst.. I think this is the cast of ‘Hamilton’, possibly the most famous musical in the world right now, and they won ‘Best Musical’ on the night, AND note the tall man on the right, who is Jamael Westman, who won the Emerging Talent Award on the night)

  “But there’s got to be some kind of Hypothermia Rule where you can’t forbid me entry if I’m dressed like this”.  I meanwhile am wearing approximately four layers of clothing, and a ‘Rock Jock &lt;TM&gt;” lined-beanie that some unscrupulous dude off ebay sold as being Thinsulate and then defended on the grounds of “same thing, just as warm”. I have marginally less hair on my head than Rosie Day, so this is important.  (edited to add : she’s Rosie Day)

“But there’s got to be some kind of Hypothermia Rule where you can’t forbid me entry if I’m dressed like this”. I meanwhile am wearing approximately four layers of clothing, and a ‘Rock Jock <TM>” lined-beanie that some unscrupulous dude off ebay sold as being Thinsulate and then defended on the grounds of “same thing, just as warm”. I have marginally less hair on my head than Rosie Day, so this is important. (edited to add : she’s Rosie Day)

 I don’t know who this is, but the autograph dealers near me gave him the same surname as a leading brand of alcoholic spirit. I don’t drink tequila, but it’s still a cool man-bun you’ve got, Sir.

I don’t know who this is, but the autograph dealers near me gave him the same surname as a leading brand of alcoholic spirit. I don’t drink tequila, but it’s still a cool man-bun you’ve got, Sir.

  “I’m torn between coming over there in spite of or because of the disgust of my date… ”.  I also don’t know who this is, and his date’s attitude to autograph dealers approximates mine, however not so much tonight actually. That’s because the dealers around me have a pretty good (nay, surprising; nay, commendable) ability to identify people in theatre that I personally lack.

“I’m torn between coming over there in spite of or because of the disgust of my date… ”.
I also don’t know who this is, and his date’s attitude to autograph dealers approximates mine, however not so much tonight actually. That’s because the dealers around me have a pretty good (nay, surprising; nay, commendable) ability to identify people in theatre that I personally lack.

 It’s Ian McKellen!! And while I also have a warm grey scarf that I occasionally wear, I’m sadly not doing so tonight.  (edited to add : he was nominated for Best Actor for ‘King Lear’ on the night)

It’s Ian McKellen!! And while I also have a warm grey scarf that I occasionally wear, I’m sadly not doing so tonight. (edited to add : he was nominated for Best Actor for ‘King Lear’ on the night)

  “You gotta check out this guy’s website. It’s frikkin’ awesome” . You just gotta straighten that finger slightly and point it two people to the left…. and you’re absolutely right Mr McKellen!!

“You gotta check out this guy’s website. It’s frikkin’ awesome”. You just gotta straighten that finger slightly and point it two people to the left…. and you’re absolutely right Mr McKellen!!

 There is one person attending this event whose photo I will post no matter how blurry it is, and that’s Jenna Coleman. No reason… except the obvious, I suppose.

There is one person attending this event whose photo I will post no matter how blurry it is, and that’s Jenna Coleman. No reason… except the obvious, I suppose.

  “Yeah, but everyone on the other side of my arm is going to treat you like you’re just some insanely good-looking person rather than a serious actress….. oh, wait. You understand this and are flattered by this. Very well…. but the consequences are entirely on you”

“Yeah, but everyone on the other side of my arm is going to treat you like you’re just some insanely good-looking person rather than a serious actress….. oh, wait. You understand this and are flattered by this. Very well…. but the consequences are entirely on you”

 Jenna Coleman and I share a moment. The Nikon at 10fps punctuates it somewhat crudely and noisily, but I think it’s okay. And I’m sure it’ll take her lawyers ages to get in contact about any “moment” I’ve implied we may or may not have shared.

Jenna Coleman and I share a moment. The Nikon at 10fps punctuates it somewhat crudely and noisily, but I think it’s okay. And I’m sure it’ll take her lawyers ages to get in contact about any “moment” I’ve implied we may or may not have shared.

  “The guy I like kinda has less hair on his head than you…”  - hey, if you want me to stop posting Jenna Coleman pictures, just bang on my door in the next ten seconds. (Aw, you missed your chance.) (Also, please don’t tell her boyfriend I’m writing any of this. I’m almost certain he’s taller, and tougher than I am.)

“The guy I like kinda has less hair on his head than you…” - hey, if you want me to stop posting Jenna Coleman pictures, just bang on my door in the next ten seconds. (Aw, you missed your chance.) (Also, please don’t tell her boyfriend I’m writing any of this. I’m almost certain he’s taller, and tougher than I am.)

  “Queen Victoria was here? When - just now?”  - it’s Claire Foy - she played Queen Elizabeth II in both    Season 1    and    Season 2    of “The Crown” while Jenna Coleman played Queen Victoria in “Victoria”

“Queen Victoria was here? When - just now?” - it’s Claire Foy - she played Queen Elizabeth II in both Season 1 and Season 2 of “The Crown” while Jenna Coleman played Queen Victoria in “Victoria”

  “You think the rictus of pain that’s causing me to bare my teeth due to the insane cold is a friendly smile? Well… as long as it makes half of the two of us happy, feel free to think that.”

“You think the rictus of pain that’s causing me to bare my teeth due to the insane cold is a friendly smile? Well… as long as it makes half of the two of us happy, feel free to think that.”

  “I found this precise sliver of light to stand in to express my disapproval and you think it’s ACCIDENTAL? You’ve just insulted everything I stand for as an actress, Bob” ”….” ”And that you’ve found a spot of shadow to stand in speaks highly for you as an actor, and I respect that even though I’m still mad”

“I found this precise sliver of light to stand in to express my disapproval and you think it’s ACCIDENTAL? You’ve just insulted everything I stand for as an actress, Bob”
”….”
”And that you’ve found a spot of shadow to stand in speaks highly for you as an actor, and I respect that even though I’m still mad”

  “I’d rather sign Dr Who and Christopher Robin stuff than… those two DVDs…”-  wow. Sophie Okonedo was also in Aeon Flux with Charlize Theron AND After Earth with Will/Jaden Smith AND has an acting career. (She was also in the excellent “the slap”)

“I’d rather sign Dr Who and Christopher Robin stuff than… those two DVDs…”- wow. Sophie Okonedo was also in Aeon Flux with Charlize Theron AND After Earth with Will/Jaden Smith AND has an acting career. (She was also in the excellent “the slap”)

  “Okay, I’ll *   initial   * but not sign your After Earth DVD….. but only because you asked nicely AND claim to be holding one of my cats hostage.”

“Okay, I’ll *initial* but not sign your After Earth DVD….. but only because you asked nicely AND claim to be holding one of my cats hostage.”

 (edited to add, with considerable embarrassment after what I wrote in the prior comments: Sophie Okonedo won Best Actress for ‘Antony and Cleopatra’ on the night)

(edited to add, with considerable embarrassment after what I wrote in the prior comments: Sophie Okonedo won Best Actress for ‘Antony and Cleopatra’ on the night)

  “I like this backdrop. And I assume the bees I’m seeing are specially trained to be non-aggressive?”

“I like this backdrop. And I assume the bees I’m seeing are specially trained to be non-aggressive?”

  “If you could just stop calling me “Jupiter Ascending’s Douglas Booth” and instead as “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’ Douglas Booth” I’m sure both of us will be a lot happier. Or at least I will be”

“If you could just stop calling me “Jupiter Ascending’s Douglas Booth” and instead as “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’ Douglas Booth” I’m sure both of us will be a lot happier. Or at least I will be”

  “You don’t know who I am? Well… that’s fine… but why aren’t you furiously googling my image like the guy behind me is - don’t you care?”

“You don’t know who I am? Well… that’s fine… but why aren’t you furiously googling my image like the guy behind me is - don’t you care?”

  “No I don’t want to take you on in a staring contest, because I just BEAT you in the staring contest you didn’t even know we were having but i just won”  - Joely Richardson has been in (checks imdb) a lot of movies.    Snowden   ,    Anonymous   , and    The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo    among them.

“No I don’t want to take you on in a staring contest, because I just BEAT you in the staring contest you didn’t even know we were having but i just won” - Joely Richardson has been in (checks imdb) a lot of movies. Snowden, Anonymous, and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo among them.

 While I don’t know who it is, I’m almost 75% certain I’ve photographed him before, with almost exactly this expression, at another premiere. I’d wake my website’s archivist and tell them to get on that, but they appear to be me and I’m busy typing. Damn.

While I don’t know who it is, I’m almost 75% certain I’ve photographed him before, with almost exactly this expression, at another premiere. I’d wake my website’s archivist and tell them to get on that, but they appear to be me and I’m busy typing. Damn.

  “You remember me from that movie? Which one? There’ve kind of been a lot”  - Vanessa Redgrave’s career stretches back to … the NINETEEN FIFTIES. There’s an Oscar there, too.

“You remember me from that movie? Which one? There’ve kind of been a lot” - Vanessa Redgrave’s career stretches back to … the NINETEEN FIFTIES. There’s an Oscar there, too.

  “Hi. Sorry, can’t come closer. The earrings are contagious, nothing at all to do with the warmth and free canapes inside the event… like…. AT ALL”

“Hi. Sorry, can’t come closer. The earrings are contagious, nothing at all to do with the warmth and free canapes inside the event… like…. AT ALL”

  “I’m taking the fast lane in suckas…”  - Dame Shirley Bassey was one of only a few people who opted to enter the venue by the path that DIDN’T involve posing for the Paparazzi.

“I’m taking the fast lane in suckas…” - Dame Shirley Bassey was one of only a few people who opted to enter the venue by the path that DIDN’T involve posing for the Paparazzi.

  “Seriously? And are you still hounding Tobey to sign that stuff too?”  - the previous incarnation of Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield has arrived. He won an award at last year’s ceremony, and was Oscar-nominated for his performance in “Hacksaw Ridge”.

“Seriously? And are you still hounding Tobey to sign that stuff too?” - the previous incarnation of Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield has arrived. He won an award at last year’s ceremony, and was Oscar-nominated for his performance in “Hacksaw Ridge”.

  “I’m going for the ominous half-light, but you’ve gone full shadow. I’m kind of regretting my choice right now, Stan….”

“I’m going for the ominous half-light, but you’ve gone full shadow. I’m kind of regretting my choice right now, Stan….”

  “I’m really not interested in your travel brochures, dude”  - it’s Ralph Fiennes! Perhaps still best known as Voldemort in the Harry Potter saga, I last photographed him at this year’s BFI London Film Festival, where he directed    “The White Crow”

“I’m really not interested in your travel brochures, dude” - it’s Ralph Fiennes! Perhaps still best known as Voldemort in the Harry Potter saga, I last photographed him at this year’s BFI London Film Festival, where he directed “The White Crow”

  “Not exactly the camouflage backdrop I was hoping for, but it does smell nice, so thank you” (Edited to add : Ralph Fiennes won ‘Best Actor’ on the night for ‘Antony &amp; Cleopatra’)

“Not exactly the camouflage backdrop I was hoping for, but it does smell nice, so thank you”
(Edited to add : Ralph Fiennes won ‘Best Actor’ on the night for ‘Antony & Cleopatra’)

  “You’re wearing a hoodie and want me to come over there and sign? Let me guess… at BEST you’re wearing Lynx Africa deodourant….”  - Christian Louboutin is a famed fashion designer. I believe his are the high heel shoes that have a red base underneath.

“You’re wearing a hoodie and want me to come over there and sign? Let me guess… at BEST you’re wearing Lynx Africa deodourant….” - Christian Louboutin is a famed fashion designer. I believe his are the high heel shoes that have a red base underneath.

  “And you intend to SELL the autograph I’m about to provide? I’m… well, I’m hurt to learn that”  (edited to add : Jessica Barden)

“And you intend to SELL the autograph I’m about to provide? I’m… well, I’m hurt to learn that”
(edited to add : Jessica Barden)

  “I think I’d rather stand here, either looking indifferent, imperious, or if absolutely necessary too frightened to come over there and sign…”  -one of this evening’s hosts - actor/director Idris Elba. I last photographed him at his    directorial debut “Yardie”    earlier this year.

“I think I’d rather stand here, either looking indifferent, imperious, or if absolutely necessary too frightened to come over there and sign…” -one of this evening’s hosts - actor/director Idris Elba. I last photographed him at his directorial debut “Yardie” earlier this year.

  “Well… sure, that’s a good movie. But I wasn’t in it”  (edited to add : Ophelia Lovibond)

“Well… sure, that’s a good movie. But I wasn’t in it” (edited to add : Ophelia Lovibond)

  “it’s going to take more than a wristband to stop me, lady”  - it’s hard to believe that the last time I photographed Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber he was seated in a cherry picker while James Corden, dressed as a cat, danced on the road in front of Fleet Street traffic. Harder to believe I didn’t do a whole journal entry around it, or tell my therapist about it come to think of it.

“it’s going to take more than a wristband to stop me, lady” - it’s hard to believe that the last time I photographed Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber he was seated in a cherry picker while James Corden, dressed as a cat, danced on the road in front of Fleet Street traffic. Harder to believe I didn’t do a whole journal entry around it, or tell my therapist about it come to think of it.

 I don’t know who this is, but the pose is definitely Ace, as kids in Australia in the late 1980s used to say. I’m bringing it back. Please tell me I’m the first to try to bring it back….  (edited to add : she’s Lady Kitty Spencer)

I don’t know who this is, but the pose is definitely Ace, as kids in Australia in the late 1980s used to say. I’m bringing it back. Please tell me I’m the first to try to bring it back…. (edited to add : she’s Lady Kitty Spencer)

 I don’t know who this is but I took a gamble and decided the look on her face meant it was more dangerous NOT to photograph her than photograph her.  (edited to add : She’s Daisy Lewis)

I don’t know who this is but I took a gamble and decided the look on her face meant it was more dangerous NOT to photograph her than photograph her. (edited to add : She’s Daisy Lewis)

  “I’m not going over there to sign, I’m going over there for vengeance” ”But there’ll be witnesses!” ”I’m counting on it”  Ellie Bamber is possibly best known for being in    Tom Ford’s “Nocturnal Animals”   … I think?

“I’m not going over there to sign, I’m going over there for vengeance”
”But there’ll be witnesses!”
”I’m counting on it”

Ellie Bamber is possibly best known for being in Tom Ford’s “Nocturnal Animals”… I think?

  “Take your time. I’ve lost all feeling in my legs already….”

“Take your time. I’ve lost all feeling in my legs already….”

 Although she’s pretty, I’m more inclined to think that Suki Waterhouse is a franchise rather than a specific individual person : she looks different every time I photograph her (eg.    Pride &amp; Prejudice &amp; Zombies   ,    Love Rosie   …)

Although she’s pretty, I’m more inclined to think that Suki Waterhouse is a franchise rather than a specific individual person : she looks different every time I photograph her (eg. Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, Love Rosie…)

  “She’s in White and I’m in Black…. so unless one of you is wearing grey, or blue, or grey and blue we’re definitely the most stylish ones here”  - it’s (designer) Stella McCartney!

“She’s in White and I’m in Black…. so unless one of you is wearing grey, or blue, or grey and blue we’re definitely the most stylish ones here” - it’s (designer) Stella McCartney!

  “Hey, weren’t you in that movie that launched and buried the Dark Universe Franchise?” ”I was in it in the sense that the sky was in it, and so was the ground, and so was ENGLAND”  Annabelle Walls was indeed in the Tom Cruise movie “The Mummy”. It had a decent soundtrack.. but that’s possibly about it.

“Hey, weren’t you in that movie that launched and buried the Dark Universe Franchise?”
”I was in it in the sense that the sky was in it, and so was the ground, and so was ENGLAND”

Annabelle Walls was indeed in the Tom Cruise movie “The Mummy”. It had a decent soundtrack.. but that’s possibly about it.

 When you take a photo like this, you can delete it, you can bury it, you can decide not to post it… or you can just kind of upload it and suggest that getting on the bad side (or possibly very GOOD side) of Stella McCartney might be risky.

When you take a photo like this, you can delete it, you can bury it, you can decide not to post it… or you can just kind of upload it and suggest that getting on the bad side (or possibly very GOOD side) of Stella McCartney might be risky.

 I don’t know who this is, but one of the autograph dealers wished him good luck on the night, so perhaps he’s an actor, UFC fighter, or just a stylishly dressed member of the catering staff. It’s hard to say.. .I’m not good with cynicism.  (subsequently identified as : Colin Morgan, nominated for Best Actor for ‘Translations’)

I don’t know who this is, but one of the autograph dealers wished him good luck on the night, so perhaps he’s an actor, UFC fighter, or just a stylishly dressed member of the catering staff. It’s hard to say.. .I’m not good with cynicism. (subsequently identified as : Colin Morgan, nominated for Best Actor for ‘Translations’)

  “We had to do things to the car to make the outfit fit… and I don’t regret it for a moment”  - the last arrival I photographed before charging to the nearest tube : Rita Ora.

“We had to do things to the car to make the outfit fit… and I don’t regret it for a moment” - the last arrival I photographed before charging to the nearest tube : Rita Ora.

So… that was that. I can’t wait to come back tomorrow and add to this journal, inserting all the winners and making it look like I knew who they were.

Until then!

Postscript : Okay, now that I’ve had a chance to do some “research” and figure who won awards, I can sheepishly add the following particularly important people I missed entirely on my first go around:

 I’m actually very pleased I photographed Natasha Gordon, who won ‘Most Promising Playwright’ on the night. I think I took all of half a dozen shots of her before I got distracted by Simon West, who ironically I also did not recognise.

I’m actually very pleased I photographed Natasha Gordon, who won ‘Most Promising Playwright’ on the night. I think I took all of half a dozen shots of her before I got distracted by Simon West, who ironically I also did not recognise.

 I took all of about ten photos (at… erm… 10 frames per second) of Rosalie Craig, who I now know won the award for Best Musical Performance for ‘Company’, before I got distracted by Anna Wintour for about 150 frames.

I took all of about ten photos (at… erm… 10 frames per second) of Rosalie Craig, who I now know won the award for Best Musical Performance for ‘Company’, before I got distracted by Anna Wintour for about 150 frames.

 If this is Matthew Lopez, he won Best Play for ‘The Inheritance’ on the night, and I took just two (2) semi-sharp photos of him between several hundred shots of actresses Letitia Wright and Fiona Shaw.

If this is Matthew Lopez, he won Best Play for ‘The Inheritance’ on the night, and I took just two (2) semi-sharp photos of him between several hundred shots of actresses Letitia Wright and Fiona Shaw.

 Oh dear. I think this is one of those things I should sweep under the metaphorical carpet rather than admit to. The purple blur in the background? That’s the dress of Best Director Marianne Elliott for ‘Company’. What’s worse is that I sacrificed that shot for the front-left silhouette of actress Fiona Shaw, who looks like she has an insanely wide head (in fact, it’s a second person, walking alongside her)

Oh dear. I think this is one of those things I should sweep under the metaphorical carpet rather than admit to. The purple blur in the background? That’s the dress of Best Director Marianne Elliott for ‘Company’. What’s worse is that I sacrificed that shot for the front-left silhouette of actress Fiona Shaw, who looks like she has an insanely wide head (in fact, it’s a second person, walking alongside her)

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And in really good news… it’s only about five months until The 2019 Olivier Awards!! I for one can’t wait…

London Fashion Week 2018.2 (SS2019)

OMG it’s that time of year again already. I guess I’d better put on my best Lowes T-Shirt and Black Primark Hoodie, nonconfrontational Pentax camera, and head down to (the streets outside) London Fashion Week’s monolithically closed headquarters building…. and see what’s what among the people dying to be seen, and the people dying to see them.

Here’s how it went down.

Day 1. Friday, 14th September 2018.

  “…. I wonder what’s going on, and why those people are dressed so strangely…..?”  Good question on ANY day of the week. But this week perhaps even more so.

“…. I wonder what’s going on, and why those people are dressed so strangely…..?” Good question on ANY day of the week. But this week perhaps even more so.

  “Ma’am, I’ve been camped out on this precise corner of The Strand since yesterday because it’s the prime spot to photograph removalist trucks driving by. So I don’t care what you’re wearing… GET OUT OF MY WAY!”

“Ma’am, I’ve been camped out on this precise corner of The Strand since yesterday because it’s the prime spot to photograph removalist trucks driving by. So I don’t care what you’re wearing… GET OUT OF MY WAY!”

  “Nah, bro. I totally dig your ‘art’. Doesn’t intimidate me one bit”  By the way, for those of you running your own sweatshop operations at home, that head-covering the guy is wearing goes ALL the way around the head. I did not see any evidence of eye-holes.

“Nah, bro. I totally dig your ‘art’. Doesn’t intimidate me one bit”
By the way, for those of you running your own sweatshop operations at home, that head-covering the guy is wearing goes ALL the way around the head. I did not see any evidence of eye-holes.

  “No, you see when you hashtag something, it’s actually a symbol “#”. In other words, you don’t have to write the full word every time. At least I don’t think so…”  Damn. I think that’s where I’ve been going wrong.

“No, you see when you hashtag something, it’s actually a symbol “#”. In other words, you don’t have to write the full word every time. At least I don’t think so…” Damn. I think that’s where I’ve been going wrong.

 You have to respect this guy’s commitment to his Art. He’s found the one spot that the light perfectly catches, and is sitting there (and only there) for somebody to photograph him. I’d point out that where he’s sitting is at Somerset House and LFW isn’t actually AT Somerset House anymore… but I assume that’s also part of the ethos of his Art.

You have to respect this guy’s commitment to his Art. He’s found the one spot that the light perfectly catches, and is sitting there (and only there) for somebody to photograph him. I’d point out that where he’s sitting is at Somerset House and LFW isn’t actually AT Somerset House anymore… but I assume that’s also part of the ethos of his Art.

  “Stop that coffee cup : it’s rolling away, and it’s the key to this whole Shoot!!”

“Stop that coffee cup : it’s rolling away, and it’s the key to this whole Shoot!!”

 I took this photo…. and now I’m looking at it and realising that there’s not much that can be said about this photo beyond that.

I took this photo…. and now I’m looking at it and realising that there’s not much that can be said about this photo beyond that.

 “Yellow!! Now why didn’t  *I*  think of that??”

“Yellow!! Now why didn’t *I* think of that??”

 I’m not ready to stick fake pearls on my face in the name of fashion…. but I gotta be honest, right now I’m totally willing to hang around people who are.

I’m not ready to stick fake pearls on my face in the name of fashion…. but I gotta be honest, right now I’m totally willing to hang around people who are.

  “Lenny? The fake Aged Harry Potter getup isn’t working. We’re going to have to go to plan C”

“Lenny? The fake Aged Harry Potter getup isn’t working. We’re going to have to go to plan C”

  “He’s the one with the invite. I’m just responsible for getting him To and From”

“He’s the one with the invite. I’m just responsible for getting him To and From”

 I don’t want to besmirch the talents of Britain’s modelling talent, but of the three people in this photo, I gotta say the guy in the brown shirt only has the second-strongest pose.

I don’t want to besmirch the talents of Britain’s modelling talent, but of the three people in this photo, I gotta say the guy in the brown shirt only has the second-strongest pose.

 …. I actually kind of like this photo. And this model.

…. I actually kind of like this photo. And this model.

Day 2. Saturday, 15th September 2018.

The challenge of photographing outside London Fashion Week on the weekend isn’t so much the photography as it is trying to avoid the a55ho1e fur-is-murder-so-is-meat-vote-veganism-tofu-lives-matter protesters. (And as always, a clarification : I don’t object to the message or the morality, I specifically dislike the protesters).

  “The price of the ensemble I’m wearing is quite reasonable, and if you were to remove the street art behind me carefully enough, its sale would more than pay for it”

“The price of the ensemble I’m wearing is quite reasonable, and if you were to remove the street art behind me carefully enough, its sale would more than pay for it”

  “Every time I dress this nicely, everyone assumes I stand here to be photographed when all I want to do is get the bus home….”

“Every time I dress this nicely, everyone assumes I stand here to be photographed when all I want to do is get the bus home….”

  “This jacket only looks like fur… do we think the protesters will be able to tell the difference?”

“This jacket only looks like fur… do we think the protesters will be able to tell the difference?”

 I’m almost afraid to walk around and see what’s on the other side…

I’m almost afraid to walk around and see what’s on the other side…

  “The wicked witch can have ‘em if she can untie ‘em…”

“The wicked witch can have ‘em if she can untie ‘em…”

  “He says if he’s a Pentax shooter, the autofocus means he qualifies… does that work for you?”

“He says if he’s a Pentax shooter, the autofocus means he qualifies… does that work for you?”

  “Admit it. You only want to photograph me because I’m young and pretty” ”Well… yeah.” ”Cool. I just wanted you to admit it”

“Admit it. You only want to photograph me because I’m young and pretty”
”Well… yeah.”
”Cool. I just wanted you to admit it”

  “I haven’t eaten since last Tuesday. Was that sound somebody opening a packet of diet popcorn?”

“I haven’t eaten since last Tuesday. Was that sound somebody opening a packet of diet popcorn?”

  “Babe…is this a Marriage Proposal??” ”No, I just found that really cool cat video on youtube I was telling you about. Also… wait, what??”

“Babe…is this a Marriage Proposal??”
”No, I just found that really cool cat video on youtube I was telling you about. Also… wait, what??”

  “I’m going by ‘Ronda McDonald’ until the legal case clears….”

“I’m going by ‘Ronda McDonald’ until the legal case clears….”

  “Sorry, bro. You can only buy the whole ensemble… I ain’t selling components. Hope you understand”.  I guess that answers that question.

“Sorry, bro. You can only buy the whole ensemble… I ain’t selling components. Hope you understand”. I guess that answers that question.

  “Am following your instructions and I can certainly feel it realigning my spine into a newer, more fashionable shape. Chat soon…”

“Am following your instructions and I can certainly feel it realigning my spine into a newer, more fashionable shape. Chat soon…”

  “And do you dab each spine with poison by hand, or do you get a machine to do it?”

“And do you dab each spine with poison by hand, or do you get a machine to do it?”

Day 3. Sunday, 16th September 2018.

I came in early for this one, and didn’t stay too long. I did enjoy the Peruvian Street food on the Southbank before heading back to StA, though…

 I got here so early it didn’t occur to me that no model worth her salt would ever, EVER get up this early. Even for London Fashion Week. So I went to find an early morning coffee place.  Uh…erm.. I mean early morning vodka place.

I got here so early it didn’t occur to me that no model worth her salt would ever, EVER get up this early. Even for London Fashion Week. So I went to find an early morning coffee place.
Uh…erm.. I mean early morning vodka place.

  “I hear mauve is the colour next London Fashion Week. But please don’t tell anyone I told you”

“I hear mauve is the colour next London Fashion Week. But please don’t tell anyone I told you”

  “I fought a homeless guy and he threw paint at me… now everyone’s offering me thousands of pounds for my ‘Fashion’… how do I escape this nightmare??”

“I fought a homeless guy and he threw paint at me… now everyone’s offering me thousands of pounds for my ‘Fashion’… how do I escape this nightmare??”

  “I need you to both look completely baffled by the technology you’re holding” ”No problem, grandpa. We’re also baffled by why you’re wearing an in-focus plant on your head”

“I need you to both look completely baffled by the technology you’re holding”
”No problem, grandpa. We’re also baffled by why you’re wearing an in-focus plant on your head”

  “And just think… when this all over next Wednesday, if somebody takes a photo of us just standing here looking pretty, we’ll be able to punch their lights out…”  I’m busy on Wednesday. Just so you know.

“And just think… when this all over next Wednesday, if somebody takes a photo of us just standing here looking pretty, we’ll be able to punch their lights out…”
I’m busy on Wednesday. Just so you know.

 file note for people who care : because of all the distracting backgrounds and/or crowds, I’m using long shutter speeds to blur backgrounds, or shooting at f1.8 to blur backgrounds. Finally : smoking? Still cool at London Fashion Week.

file note for people who care : because of all the distracting backgrounds and/or crowds, I’m using long shutter speeds to blur backgrounds, or shooting at f1.8 to blur backgrounds. Finally : smoking? Still cool at London Fashion Week.

  “I need you to look totally uninterested. No, LESS interested than that.    I SAID LESS INTERESTED!!    DAMNIT… LOOK BORED!!!    NO… MORE BORED!!!   ”  Bah… amateurs.

“I need you to look totally uninterested. No, LESS interested than that. I SAID LESS INTERESTED!! DAMNIT… LOOK BORED!!! NO… MORE BORED!!!
Bah… amateurs.

  “It’s nice that you guys think I’m well-dressed, but the judge really needs me to give my closing arguments in about 5 minutes….”

“It’s nice that you guys think I’m well-dressed, but the judge really needs me to give my closing arguments in about 5 minutes….”

  “Bet you’re glad you won that coin toss and got to wear that dress instead of me, huh, b1tch?”

“Bet you’re glad you won that coin toss and got to wear that dress instead of me, huh, b1tch?”

  “The invitation to high-five me right now is purely metaphorical.”

“The invitation to high-five me right now is purely metaphorical.”

  “Stand to attention” ”Yes, ma’am”

“Stand to attention”
”Yes, ma’am”

  “Okay, but just so you know it’s merely a coincidence that I’m posing outside a wine box” ”Here’s your order ma’am” ”Um…. right. Thanks.”

“Okay, but just so you know it’s merely a coincidence that I’m posing outside a wine box”
”Here’s your order ma’am”
”Um…. right. Thanks.”

Day 4. Monday, 17th September 2018.

A quick check on the file data for today reveals that I dedicated a grand total of four (YES, FOUR) minutes to London Fashion Week, and that’s because I dedicated lunchtime and the entirety of afterwork-time to the (pssst… more important) premiere of “A Simple Favour”, featuring the oh-so fashionable Paul Feig, Anna Kendrick and Blake Lively.

Still, you can do a lot in four minutes. Or … um…so I’ve been told…

  “But wait… I was given to understand this camouflage was foolproof… how do you even know where to photograph me??”

“But wait… I was given to understand this camouflage was foolproof… how do you even know where to photograph me??”

  “If you were any kind of fashion photographer, you’d have waited until my dress had passed by the pole”  … sure, but if you were any kind of model, you’d have known you’d be in the shade by the time the dress had passed. Feel free to critique my use of cheap selective desaturation, though…

“If you were any kind of fashion photographer, you’d have waited until my dress had passed by the pole”
… sure, but if you were any kind of model, you’d have known you’d be in the shade by the time the dress had passed. Feel free to critique my use of cheap selective desaturation, though…

  “Fine, take the photo. But just know we don’t usually pose for YOUR KIND” ”What do you mean by “your kind” ”Monochrome, to be blunt.”

“Fine, take the photo. But just know we don’t usually pose for YOUR KIND”
”What do you mean by “your kind”
”Monochrome, to be blunt.”

 Forget the tattoo : I think this photographer might have just invented a new photographic orientation that’s not landscape, portrait OR tilted!!

Forget the tattoo : I think this photographer might have just invented a new photographic orientation that’s not landscape, portrait OR tilted!!

  “Hold on… first I need to put on my glasses to secure my secret identity” ”If this is your secret identity gear, what on earth does your Superhero Costume involve??”

“Hold on… first I need to put on my glasses to secure my secret identity”
”If this is your secret identity gear, what on earth does your Superhero Costume involve??”

  “It really should be you photographing me… I’m much better looking than you are. Objectively speaking, I mean. And I’m your friend, so you know I’m being honest”

“It really should be you photographing me… I’m much better looking than you are. Objectively speaking, I mean. And I’m your friend, so you know I’m being honest”

  “Is there any way I can pretend to take a photo of you when I’m actually taking a selfie of ME?”

“Is there any way I can pretend to take a photo of you when I’m actually taking a selfie of ME?”

 I’ve never previously been intimated by the colour purple before…. but here I am.

I’ve never previously been intimated by the colour purple before…. but here I am.

Day 5. Tuesday, 18th September 2018.

Sadly, I had to give this day a miss, but here’s some fashion from yesterday’s “A Simple Favour” premiere by way of apology / bonus:

  “You’ll never be as dapper as me… if you were, it would make me less dapper, which would make you less dapper, and before we knew it, we’d be stuck in a spiraling out-of-control cycle where we might as well both be wearing rags”  - Director Paul Feig.

“You’ll never be as dapper as me… if you were, it would make me less dapper, which would make you less dapper, and before we knew it, we’d be stuck in a spiraling out-of-control cycle where we might as well both be wearing rags” - Director Paul Feig.

  “Honestly? The day I need somebody to tell me how great I look is the day I know it’s a lie.”  - Actor Stanley Tucci.

“Honestly? The day I need somebody to tell me how great I look is the day I know it’s a lie.”
- Actor Stanley Tucci.

  “It’s London Fashion Week…. what’s that you’re wearing?” ”It’s a white t-shirt” ”Bold choice” ”I thought so…”  - Actress Anna Kendrick

“It’s London Fashion Week…. what’s that you’re wearing?”
”It’s a white t-shirt”
”Bold choice”
”I thought so…”
- Actress Anna Kendrick

 Not only is actress Blake Lively wearing a silk waistcoat and jacket, and not only is she wearing a tie… but that TIE is wearing a TIE-PIN!!

Not only is actress Blake Lively wearing a silk waistcoat and jacket, and not only is she wearing a tie… but that TIE is wearing a TIE-PIN!!

So… that was 2018. For a second time. Historically speaking I should (hopefully) get one more bite at the cherry that is FASHION, as the Fashion Awards are held later in the year and I try to get to those.

Until (hopefully, wherever I am) next time!

ps. prior Fashion Week (Street) Photography journals are at  2010.12012.1, both 2013.1+ 2013.2  then 2014.12015.1, both 2016.12016.2, almost both 2017.1 + 2017.2 …. and one day of 2018.1 .