The 2016 British Fashion Awards

December 5th, 2016.

As this year draws to a close, I'm slowly running out of events to photograph. I said 'no' to BIFA yesterday - the British Independent Film Awards - because, basically, f**k BIFA (except when we're talking about the British Independent Freight Association : those guys f**king rock).

But fashion? Baby, Fashion is what I do! (when I'm not wearing off-brand jumpers, no-name jeans, and the cheapest Nikes that sweatshop labour can buy that is)

And this year, like last year, I made it to the British Fashion Awards (meaning : some distance therefrom). Here's how it went down:

Unlike last year, when they were held in some theatre whose name escapes me, this year the British Fashion Awards were held in the opulence, grandeur, and "can't you see that British Fashion is struggling in these hard and austerity-riddled times?" Royal Albert Hall.

Unlike last year, when they were held in some theatre whose name escapes me, this year the British Fashion Awards were held in the opulence, grandeur, and "can't you see that British Fashion is struggling in these hard and austerity-riddled times?" Royal Albert Hall.

If this is fashion designer Jean Paul Gaultier, then woohoo, I've photographed fashion designer Jean-Paul Gaultier. If it's not... then damnit I arrived too late to photograph Jean Paul Gaultier. (edited to add : he's not Jean Paul Gaultier)

If this is fashion designer Jean Paul Gaultier, then woohoo, I've photographed fashion designer Jean-Paul Gaultier. If it's not... then damnit I arrived too late to photograph Jean Paul Gaultier.
(edited to add : he's not Jean Paul Gaultier)

"This thing? Oh, it achieved sentience hours ago. It's currently hacking into the NSA and flirting with the cute A.I. they've got stored there..."

"This thing? Oh, it achieved sentience hours ago. It's currently hacking into the NSA and flirting with the cute A.I. they've got stored there..."

I don't know about you, but at any given venue I go to, I always look for signs with arrows pointing towards wherever Public Access is Not.

I don't know about you, but at any given venue I go to, I always look for signs with arrows pointing towards wherever Public Access is Not.

In what might become a running theme for tonight, I have no idea who this is. Or why they'd kill so many baby birds to make that dress. (edited to ad : Natalie Massenet)(additionally edited to add : who?)

In what might become a running theme for tonight, I have no idea who this is. Or why they'd kill so many baby birds to make that dress. (edited to ad : Natalie Massenet)(additionally edited to add : who?)

"These people on the list? They're all more famous than me, and will be wearing less clothing in these winter temperatures than I am right now.... so who's the fool?"

"These people on the list? They're all more famous than me, and will be wearing less clothing in these winter temperatures than I am right now.... so who's the fool?"

"... I'm not sure I assembled this dress correctly..."

"... I'm not sure I assembled this dress correctly..."

"It doesn't matter if you don't know who I am, just so long as you photograph my necklace swishing stylishly. My whole ensemble depends on it"

"It doesn't matter if you don't know who I am, just so long as you photograph my necklace swishing stylishly. My whole ensemble depends on it"

"I don't care how many of your damn metal detectors my dress is setting off. This isn't about safety and security, you brutes : this is about ART!" (edited to add : I think this might be Cheryl Cole?)

"I don't care how many of your damn metal detectors my dress is setting off. This isn't about safety and security, you brutes : this is about ART!" (edited to add : I think this might be Cheryl Cole?)

"Please ask me Who I'm wearing. Also : please don't convert this photo into black'n'white or else you'll make them cry"

"Please ask me Who I'm wearing. Also : please don't convert this photo into black'n'white or else you'll make them cry"

Oh, damnit. I just photographed frikkin' Jaden Smith. (How could I let this happen? I used to be COOL)

Oh, damnit. I just photographed frikkin' Jaden Smith.
(How could I let this happen? I used to be COOL)

"Bare shoulders and this thing with my sleeves are totally 2019! ...what do you mean "I'm Early"?"

"Bare shoulders and this thing with my sleeves are totally 2019!
...what do you mean "I'm Early"?"

I don't know who these people are, I don't know what colour their hair is, and in related news, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here.

I don't know who these people are, I don't know what colour their hair is, and in related news, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here.

"What do you mean this isn't the queue for KFC?"

"What do you mean this isn't the queue for KFC?"

I heard people shout out "Amber!!" but I think the haircolour is more of a burnt russet, actually.

I heard people shout out "Amber!!" but I think the haircolour is more of a burnt russet, actually.

"That man behind us is wearing an orange-coloured hooodie, Gerald. Did you hear me? ORANGE."

"That man behind us is wearing an orange-coloured hooodie, Gerald. Did you hear me? ORANGE."

(Man at right): "I'm edgier than you, Manson. I've brushed my hair, flossed my teeth and clipped my nails with things that are edgier...."

(Man at right): "I'm edgier than you, Manson. I've brushed my hair, flossed my teeth and clipped my nails with things that are edgier...."

"Buy my new album : it's classic jazz!!" Marilyn Manson may indeed have lost a bit of edge. Or maybe my hearing at this distance isn't entirely reliable.

"Buy my new album : it's classic jazz!!" Marilyn Manson may indeed have lost a bit of edge. Or maybe my hearing at this distance isn't entirely reliable.

People across from me were screaming out for "David!!", but that's a pretty common name, and not particularly helpful. But it's all I have for now.

People across from me were screaming out for "David!!", but that's a pretty common name, and not particularly helpful. But it's all I have for now.

"Oh, this thing? I just threw it on. I do my housework wearing it..."

"Oh, this thing? I just threw it on. I do my housework wearing it..."

I don't know who this is, but if it's you (or her agent) I'd be happy to have a second, third and possibly fourth attempt at taking better photos at a distance about 19/20ths closer than I'm standing from her right now.

I don't know who this is, but if it's you (or her agent) I'd be happy to have a second, third and possibly fourth attempt at taking better photos at a distance about 19/20ths closer than I'm standing from her right now.

....and for the next 300 frames, this is the closest that model Karlie Kloss faced in my direction. The chances of her scoring a special, hard-to-get St Albans Christmas card from me right now are slim, pending a heartfelt apology.

....and for the next 300 frames, this is the closest that model Karlie Kloss faced in my direction. The chances of her scoring a special, hard-to-get St Albans Christmas card from me right now are slim, pending a heartfelt apology.

Some three hundred frames later, and I'm pretty glad the battery life on the Nikon is still coping with the framerate I'm asking of it. Sadly, space on the memory card is nowhere near as infinite, and I've had to downgrade the image sizes I'm shooting. Sigh.

Some three hundred frames later, and I'm pretty glad the battery life on the Nikon is still coping with the framerate I'm asking of it. Sadly, space on the memory card is nowhere near as infinite, and I've had to downgrade the image sizes I'm shooting. Sigh.

I've never seen a Bugatti Veyron in the 'wild' before...

I've never seen a Bugatti Veyron in the 'wild' before...

"It's actually got remarkable thermal properties. The inside of the Mercedes I just stepped out of, I mean. The dress I'm wearing, on the other hand... it does nothing."

"It's actually got remarkable thermal properties. The inside of the Mercedes I just stepped out of, I mean. The dress I'm wearing, on the other hand... it does nothing."

"That jacket looks hideous but it's warm and I'm cold. It's almost like there's a downside to being young and beautiful". This message brought to you by somebody who is older and warmer.

"That jacket looks hideous but it's warm and I'm cold. It's almost like there's a downside to being young and beautiful". This message brought to you by somebody who is older and warmer.

Th first photo from this event that I really like : Eva Herzigova, in black'n'white.

Th first photo from this event that I really like : Eva Herzigova, in black'n'white.

The first time I photographed Jenna Coleman was at the Titanic in 3D premiere back in 2012, right here at the Royal Albert Hall. She seems to be looking -if anything- slightly younger now.

The first time I photographed Jenna Coleman was at the Titanic in 3D premiere back in 2012, right here at the Royal Albert Hall. She seems to be looking -if anything- slightly younger now.

Assistant : "The bill for the portable wind-generator is catastrophic" Model : "It's worth every penny, Gerald. Don't you dare turn it off. EVER" - this is possibly one of the members of the band 'The Saturdays' (are they still relevant?)

Assistant : "The bill for the portable wind-generator is catastrophic"
Model : "It's worth every penny, Gerald. Don't you dare turn it off. EVER" - this is possibly one of the members of the band 'The Saturdays' (are they still relevant?)

I don't know who this is, but the name on the necklace is "Bebe". (I had to look closely. For... clues, you understand)

I don't know who this is, but the name on the necklace is "Bebe". (I had to look closely. For... clues, you understand)

Model Jourdan Dunn is so tall I had to improvise.

Model Jourdan Dunn is so tall I had to improvise.

"You're totally allowed to drape an untied tie over the top of a bow-tie. Nobody says you're not" - this is actor Domhnall Gleeson, best known for being in Ex Machina (or that Star Wars Reboot movie from last year that everyone has sadly failed to forget).

"You're totally allowed to drape an untied tie over the top of a bow-tie. Nobody says you're not" - this is actor Domhnall Gleeson, best known for being in Ex Machina (or that Star Wars Reboot movie from last year that everyone has sadly failed to forget).

"You're not being subtle. Also, you GAVE me that necklace" - former supermodel Twiggy.

"You're not being subtle. Also, you GAVE me that necklace" - former supermodel Twiggy.

I don't know who this is, but I'm liking the jumper enough that I would possibly stop short of offering her my jacket for although it's warm, it's also black and rather unstylish in comparison.

I don't know who this is, but I'm liking the jumper enough that I would possibly stop short of offering her my jacket for although it's warm, it's also black and rather unstylish in comparison.

I believe this is model Erin O'Connor, and I also believe that's a look of disdain aimed at me that might penetrate beyond just my immediate life choices.

I believe this is model Erin O'Connor, and I also believe that's a look of disdain aimed at me that might penetrate beyond just my immediate life choices.

"Ovah Mah Left Shouldah Dahlin'? That's all you have to say, here in 2016??" - Abigail Clancy

"Ovah Mah Left Shouldah Dahlin'? That's all you have to say, here in 2016??"
- Abigail Clancy

In terms of total volume of screams and pleas of autograph dealers, Gigi Hadid was possibly the winner on the evening. I have no idea who she is, but the fact that she declined to sign autographs speaks highly of her.

In terms of total volume of screams and pleas of autograph dealers, Gigi Hadid was possibly the winner on the evening. I have no idea who she is, but the fact that she declined to sign autographs speaks highly of her.

"Left Shoulda? Very well identified, random street photographer..."

"Left Shoulda? Very well identified, random street photographer..."

Anna Wintour has been editor-in-chief of Vogue ever since Seoul, South Korea hosted the Summer Olympic Games.

Anna Wintour has been editor-in-chief of Vogue ever since Seoul, South Korea hosted the Summer Olympic Games.

Salma Hayek has shown up recently at events as disparate as the "I Am Bolt" premiere last week and the 2016 Evening Standard Theatre Awards. I also photographed her earlier this year at the premiere of "Tale of Tales" a movie she's in.

Salma Hayek has shown up recently at events as disparate as the "I Am Bolt" premiere last week and the 2016 Evening Standard Theatre Awards. I also photographed her earlier this year at the premiere of "Tale of Tales" a movie she's in.

"He's still doing that creepy thing behind me isn't he? Damn... pretty sure my people asked his people to tell him to stop. And they were holding baseball bats when they did so" (editd to add : Lily Donaldson, Victoria's Secret Model)

"He's still doing that creepy thing behind me isn't he? Damn... pretty sure my people asked his people to tell him to stop. And they were holding baseball bats when they did so"
(editd to add : Lily Donaldson, Victoria's Secret Model)

"And you're absolutely sure that maroon capes are in? Because I'm taking an awful risk, Damian" - Jard Leto is the current incarnation of DC's villainous Joker, and I last photographed him wearing something very green at the premiere of Suicide Squad.

"And you're absolutely sure that maroon capes are in? Because I'm taking an awful risk, Damian" - Jard Leto is the current incarnation of DC's villainous Joker, and I last photographed him wearing something very green at the premiere of Suicide Squad.

"This is a military uniform, people. I'm not telling you which part of the armed forces, but you may assume they're the most fabulous one"

"This is a military uniform, people. I'm not telling you which part of the armed forces, but you may assume they're the most fabulous one"

It's really late as I'm posting these, and I just skipped past posting a photo of model Lara Stone to bring you this gentleman. And I have no idea who he is. (edited to add : designer Ralph Lauren - woohoo, a good random catch!)

It's really late as I'm posting these, and I just skipped past posting a photo of model Lara Stone to bring you this gentleman. And I have no idea who he is.
(edited to add : designer Ralph Lauren - woohoo, a good random catch!)

"The tiara? I stole it off some six year old girl. I deserved it more than she did, especially considering how little of a fight she put up...." - Pixie Lott

"The tiara? I stole it off some six year old girl. I deserved it more than she did, especially considering how little of a fight she put up...." - Pixie Lott

"This dress is classy and muted, so just make sure if I'm standing anywhere near somebody wearing something obscenely coloured like neon yellow, that you crop them out of the picture, yeah?" Uh... sure.

"This dress is classy and muted, so just make sure if I'm standing anywhere near somebody wearing something obscenely coloured like neon yellow, that you crop them out of the picture, yeah?" Uh... sure.

Guy at far left : "Hey - how come none of you girls are tweeting and snapchatting photos of me? I can totally Fashion!!" - I feel ya, bro.

Guy at far left : "Hey - how come none of you girls are tweeting and snapchatting photos of me? I can totally Fashion!!" - I feel ya, bro.

Actor Douglas Booth - still best known for being in the Wachowski Siblings' Jupiter Ascending. He's going to need a starring role in a Tarantino or Christopher Nolan movie to depose that film from the #1 on his imdb's credits, I feel.

Actor Douglas Booth - still best known for being in the Wachowski Siblings' Jupiter Ascending. He's going to need a starring role in a Tarantino or Christopher Nolan movie to depose that film from the #1 on his imdb's credits, I feel.

I don' t know who this is, but if she walks past again I'd offer her my jacket (even or especially now that I'm back at home at my laptop typing this).

I don' t know who this is, but if she walks past again I'd offer her my jacket (even or especially now that I'm back at home at my laptop typing this).

Donnatella Versace is worth about US$2.3 billion and has an annual salary in the region of half a billion euros, which is nice. I believe her surname is pronounced "Ver-Sayce". I heard it in a movie once.

Donnatella Versace is worth about US$2.3 billion and has an annual salary in the region of half a billion euros, which is nice. I believe her surname is pronounced "Ver-Sayce". I heard it in a movie once.

"Obviously I want you to look, stare and photograph. Do you think I'd be wearing this thing in this kind of weather if I wanted to be ignored??" - Nicole Scherzinger, along with various bits of string.

"Obviously I want you to look, stare and photograph. Do you think I'd be wearing this thing in this kind of weather if I wanted to be ignored??" - Nicole Scherzinger, along with various bits of string.

"This is my new pose. Yes, I know it's good.... I just haven't given it a name yet...."

"This is my new pose. Yes, I know it's good.... I just haven't given it a name yet...."

"That zebra had a unique pattern.... but it would never have survived in the wild long..." (edited to add : NOT a random attendee, but rather Hamish Bowles) (please don't ask me who Hamish Bowles is... I'm not that much into fashion. Or paintballing)

"That zebra had a unique pattern.... but it would never have survived in the wild long..."
(edited to add : NOT a random attendee, but rather Hamish Bowles) (please don't ask me who Hamish Bowles is... I'm not that much into fashion. Or paintballing)

A car stops so close to the red carpet it might as well have left tyre tracks on it.... and out comes Lady Gaga, not wearing a dress made out of meat or bees or a boardgame from the 1950s.

A car stops so close to the red carpet it might as well have left tyre tracks on it.... and out comes Lady Gaga, not wearing a dress made out of meat or bees or a boardgame from the 1950s.

"A choice of singing a song for assembled fans outside versus snacking on free canapes inside? I'm going to do what I think y'all would do in my place...."

"A choice of singing a song for assembled fans outside versus snacking on free canapes inside? I'm going to do what I think y'all would do in my place...."

Photographer Mario Testino took model Rosie Huntington-Whitely to be his date to last year's British Fashion Awards.... and this year it's Kate Moss. I'll be honest, I can't quite claim to have the same level of mad dating skillz, or a tuxedo that sharp.

Photographer Mario Testino took model Rosie Huntington-Whitely to be his date to last year's British Fashion Awards.... and this year it's Kate Moss. I'll be honest, I can't quite claim to have the same level of mad dating skillz, or a tuxedo that sharp.

And then it was more or less time to leave, and to offer whatever combination of blood, goats and firstborns required to get public transport to take me home in a way that some third world countries might call 'reliable' (big f**k you, as always, to my privatised train company 'Govia').

And then it was more or less time to leave, and to offer whatever combination of blood, goats and firstborns required to get public transport to take me home in a way that some third world countries might call 'reliable' (big f**k you, as always, to my privatised train company 'Govia').

So.... that was that, and it was something, and it brings to a close my year in Fashion - covering the Elle Style Awards, and both London Fashion Week 2016.1 and 2016.2 Until next time!

ps. if you ever want to know when I post one of these journals (fashion, awards, or more typically movie premieres) feel free to follow me on Facebook at premieresdotco, or on Twitter at @berndt2_photo (or both).