The 2018 Fashion Awards, Royal Albert Hall

December 10th, 2018.

When the premiere of ‘Mary, Queen of Scots’ was announced to coincide with the 2018 Fashion Awards, I was torn. The website I own IS called “premieres.co” and yet I really like the randomness and fun of the Fashion Awards. And given MQOS starred Australia’s Own Margot Robbie, and my residency status with regard to Australia is kind of dicey, could I really afford to be seen as being so unpatriotic as to NOT attend the premiere?

Ummm….. yeah. Probably. Here’s how it went down:

Depending on your opinion of how maths works, this year I’ve photographed somewhere between 63 and 68 premieres. And I gave up a 64th (69th) by choosing the GQ Awards over the premiere of “The House With A Clock In Its Walls”. Here I’m giving up a 65th (or 64th) (or 68th/69th) to do… fashion. Baby.

Depending on your opinion of how maths works, this year I’ve photographed somewhere between 63 and 68 premieres. And I gave up a 64th (69th) by choosing the GQ Awards over the premiere of “The House With A Clock In Its Walls”. Here I’m giving up a 65th (or 64th) (or 68th/69th) to do… fashion. Baby.

As a font, I’d say the thing they’re using is better than Comic Sans, but not exactly legible.

As a font, I’d say the thing they’re using is better than Comic Sans, but not exactly legible.

“Of course I don’t have a ticket or wristband for this event : LOOK AT HOW I’M DRESSED, DAMNIT! This is fashion”.  This is (allegedly) fashion.

“Of course I don’t have a ticket or wristband for this event : LOOK AT HOW I’M DRESSED, DAMNIT! This is fashion”. This is (allegedly) fashion.

We begin, and I’m quickly forced to admit to the nice German ladies to my right that, no, I don’t know who these people are. Hey, I’ve only done eight or nine or twelve London Fashion Weeks and the Fashion Awards in 2015, 2016, 2017 (and this year)

We begin, and I’m quickly forced to admit to the nice German ladies to my right that, no, I don’t know who these people are. Hey, I’ve only done eight or nine or twelve London Fashion Weeks and the Fashion Awards in 2015, 2016, 2017 (and this year)

“If your uncovered ears weren’t so bright, I wouldn’t HAVE to wear sunglasses at night, Rachel! That said, I know I look fabulous and I suppose I have you to thank for that. It’s a mixed compliment, is what this is”

“If your uncovered ears weren’t so bright, I wouldn’t HAVE to wear sunglasses at night, Rachel! That said, I know I look fabulous and I suppose I have you to thank for that. It’s a mixed compliment, is what this is”

“But I’m three, maybe four times more stylish than half of the people you’ve let in already.. what on earth are your criteria for guests at this event, man??”

“But I’m three, maybe four times more stylish than half of the people you’ve let in already.. what on earth are your criteria for guests at this event, man??”

“I think it achieved sentience a few minutes ago… and it’s using the little LCD screen to ask me whether I’m sure I want to be doing this…..I think it’s trying to turn me against humanity…”

“I think it achieved sentience a few minutes ago… and it’s using the little LCD screen to ask me whether I’m sure I want to be doing this…..I think it’s trying to turn me against humanity…”

“I think that’s my grandma’s Bentley…. and I didn’t tell her what I was doing with all of her lace doilies, either….”

“I think that’s my grandma’s Bentley…. and I didn’t tell her what I was doing with all of her lace doilies, either….”

“Yes, I understand that the midriff came off your dress. But your grandma fought in the war, so do you think you might be able to draw on that courage and make it through the night?”

“Yes, I understand that the midriff came off your dress. But your grandma fought in the war, so do you think you might be able to draw on that courage and make it through the night?”

“Twenty quid says she doesn’t make it onto the red carpet without tears….”

“Twenty quid says she doesn’t make it onto the red carpet without tears….”

“Of course I can’t move… this is what fashion is all ABOUT, people” . I just wanna know what she’d do at an airport if they instructed her to remove all belts.

“Of course I can’t move… this is what fashion is all ABOUT, people”. I just wanna know what she’d do at an airport if they instructed her to remove all belts.

“Having Diplomatic Immunity isn’t enough to get me into this event? Okay, what if I kidnap a couple of models and drive them away in this car… does Diplomatic Immunity cover THAT?”

“Having Diplomatic Immunity isn’t enough to get me into this event? Okay, what if I kidnap a couple of models and drive them away in this car… does Diplomatic Immunity cover THAT?”

Score one point for the German ladies to my right : they identified singer Olly Murs before I did, or could. I expended more effort trying to figure out what colour his jacket is, if I’m honest.

Score one point for the German ladies to my right : they identified singer Olly Murs before I did, or could. I expended more effort trying to figure out what colour his jacket is, if I’m honest.

“Would you mind NOT blocking the photographers’ views of me getting out of my car? Why do you think I dressed like this??”  - wireimage handily identifies this is Gabrielle Caunesil, though it declines to hypothesise on whether the coat came from a real animal, and if so, which one.

“Would you mind NOT blocking the photographers’ views of me getting out of my car? Why do you think I dressed like this??” - wireimage handily identifies this is Gabrielle Caunesil, though it declines to hypothesise on whether the coat came from a real animal, and if so, which one.

“What do you mean you don’t recognise me : MY FACE IS MY PASSPORT!! I mean… it’s not my real face, but that’s beside the point…”

“What do you mean you don’t recognise me : MY FACE IS MY PASSPORT!! I mean… it’s not my real face, but that’s beside the point…”

I’m not sure who this is, but she was signing autographs for some of the people in an adjoining public pen.. and I suspect they knew who she was.

I’m not sure who this is, but she was signing autographs for some of the people in an adjoining public pen.. and I suspect they knew who she was.

I also don’t know who this guy (or these guys) is (are). But three ears in a picture that looks vaguely like a Queen Album cover. I’ll take it for now.

I also don’t know who this guy (or these guys) is (are). But three ears in a picture that looks vaguely like a Queen Album cover. I’ll take it for now.

“If chivarly was alive, one of you would be offering a beanie, jacket and snack bar”  - sadly I’m all out of snack bars, and my beanie and jacket are more fashionable than articles of warm clothing. (They just  happen  to also be warm articles of clothing).

“If chivarly was alive, one of you would be offering a beanie, jacket and snack bar” - sadly I’m all out of snack bars, and my beanie and jacket are more fashionable than articles of warm clothing. (They just happen to also be warm articles of clothing).

“And not ONE of you offered my daughter a snack or warm clothing? GOOD - I told her not to go out dressed like that”  - it’s 1980s/90s supermodel Cindy Crawford!

“And not ONE of you offered my daughter a snack or warm clothing? GOOD - I told her not to go out dressed like that” - it’s 1980s/90s supermodel Cindy Crawford!

I don’t know who this is, but I kind of wish I’d edited the photo so it definitely looked like he was holding NEITHER of the two phones being held in front of him.

I don’t know who this is, but I kind of wish I’d edited the photo so it definitely looked like he was holding NEITHER of the two phones being held in front of him.

“I am a nemesis of fashion. I don’t NEED an invitation” ”…..” ”Failing that, can I just say how snappily dressed you are?”  I don’t know who this is, and I suppose I could ask, but I’ve watched V for Vendetta and am thus aware of the irony of asking a masked person who they are.

“I am a nemesis of fashion. I don’t NEED an invitation”
”…..”
”Failing that, can I just say how snappily dressed you are?”
I don’t know who this is, and I suppose I could ask, but I’ve watched V for Vendetta and am thus aware of the irony of asking a masked person who they are.

She appeared so suddenly I had to photographically improvise. And wait til I got home to find out what the tattoos said.

She appeared so suddenly I had to photographically improvise. And wait til I got home to find out what the tattoos said.

“Stop smiling like that, Mavis. Nobody in fashion is ever this happy. At best we’re a polite form of scowlingly content. Or posing ironically, MAVIS”

“Stop smiling like that, Mavis. Nobody in fashion is ever this happy. At best we’re a polite form of scowlingly content. Or posing ironically, MAVIS”

“Okay, now I’m being ironic”  I’m photographing the lady dressed in orange looking at me. All else is irrelevant.

“Okay, now I’m being ironic”
I’m photographing the lady dressed in orange looking at me. All else is irrelevant.

I’m pretty sure I photographed her at last year’s Fashion Awards, but not all that well. She never did get in touch, and /but I’ve taken a better photo this year. I’m not sure where that leaves us in 2019, but I suppose we could both just continue to play the Long Game. That’s fine.

I’m pretty sure I photographed her at last year’s Fashion Awards, but not all that well. She never did get in touch, and /but I’ve taken a better photo this year. I’m not sure where that leaves us in 2019, but I suppose we could both just continue to play the Long Game. That’s fine.

“If you give me your shirt and your friend there gives me his tie, I could get into this thing without offending anyone. ... okay, I’ve had a better look at your shirt, Sir, and maybe I’ll try my luck with what I’m currently wearing”  - according to wireimage, this is Edie Campbell

“If you give me your shirt and your friend there gives me his tie, I could get into this thing without offending anyone. ... okay, I’ve had a better look at your shirt, Sir, and maybe I’ll try my luck with what I’m currently wearing” - according to wireimage, this is Edie Campbell

“Why yes, I am dissatisfied with my current mobile provider. Why? And how did you know?”

“Why yes, I am dissatisfied with my current mobile provider. Why? And how did you know?”

Jerry Hall’s approval of my beanie is about the same as mine when that dude on ebay sold a batch of four as ‘thinsulate’ brand but they turned out to be “rockjock<tm>” brand. I’ve mentioned it in a couple of journals now, and no, I’m not going to just get over it, damnit!!

Jerry Hall’s approval of my beanie is about the same as mine when that dude on ebay sold a batch of four as ‘thinsulate’ brand but they turned out to be “rockjock<tm>” brand. I’ve mentioned it in a couple of journals now, and no, I’m not going to just get over it, damnit!!

“I’ll take the phone as payment for this autograph. And yes, I think that’s fair. Why, are you offering me your firstborn instead?”

“I’ll take the phone as payment for this autograph. And yes, I think that’s fair. Why, are you offering me your firstborn instead?”

I think the guy in the back on the left is fashion designer Valentino. The guy in front of him with the eye-contact and lustrous hair and less fashionable scarf than even I typically wear… I”m not sure who he is.

I think the guy in the back on the left is fashion designer Valentino. The guy in front of him with the eye-contact and lustrous hair and less fashionable scarf than even I typically wear… I”m not sure who he is.

“Do I regret having the head of some white kid implanted on my right shoulder to get more work in today’s flippant fashion industry? Not really, generally speaking. But kind of specifically yes, I regret this one, sure”

“Do I regret having the head of some white kid implanted on my right shoulder to get more work in today’s flippant fashion industry? Not really, generally speaking. But kind of specifically yes, I regret this one, sure”

“What kind of an event has an EYE-TEST to get in??”  - I last photographed actress Rosamunde Pike at the    BFI LFF premiere of “A Private War”

“What kind of an event has an EYE-TEST to get in??” - I last photographed actress Rosamunde Pike at the BFI LFF premiere of “A Private War”

“No, I’m not signing anything you’ve brought with you. But thanks for coming!!”  - singer Ellie Goulding is possibly best known for singing them main theme of… no, not a James Bond film … I believe it was the first Fifty Shades of Grey film.

“No, I’m not signing anything you’ve brought with you. But thanks for coming!!”
- singer Ellie Goulding is possibly best known for singing them main theme of… no, not a James Bond film … I believe it was the first Fifty Shades of Grey film.

“Methylated Spirits -based? I didn’t know these things were even legal!”  - Actress Noomi Rapace was most recently photographed (by me, I meant) wearing an awesome pair of sunglasses at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of … um… Life Itself, maybe?

“Methylated Spirits -based? I didn’t know these things were even legal!” - Actress Noomi Rapace was most recently photographed (by me, I meant) wearing an awesome pair of sunglasses at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of … um… Life Itself, maybe?

“The dress weighs more than a suit of armour and it sets off every metal detector it comes near. I gotta say it’s exceeded my expectations!!”  Excitingly this event simultaneously has both a Noomi and a Noamie in play - in this case Naomie Harris.

“The dress weighs more than a suit of armour and it sets off every metal detector it comes near. I gotta say it’s exceeded my expectations!!”
Excitingly this event simultaneously has both a Noomi and a Noamie in play - in this case Naomie Harris.

“Okay, now I’m thinking maybe shoulderpads should make a comeback”  - Riz Ahmed is possibly still best known for being in Rogue One, one of only two premieres where a Pentax didn’t survive the evening (and the only one where it was deliberate)

“Okay, now I’m thinking maybe shoulderpads should make a comeback”
- Riz Ahmed is possibly still best known for being in Rogue One, one of only two premieres where a Pentax didn’t survive the evening (and the only one where it was deliberate)

“You don’t… want my autograph, do you?”  - sadly I have two cameras on me (three if you count the GoPro) (four if you count the mobile phone), and can’t put either down to grab an autograph from Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

“You don’t… want my autograph, do you?” - sadly I have two cameras on me (three if you count the GoPro) (four if you count the mobile phone), and can’t put either down to grab an autograph from Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

“It looks flimsy but it can stop a medium sized broadsword slash….. across the torso. The exposed leg is kind of a tactical weakness I’m still getting the guys in the lab to work on”  - to the excitement of many, including the growing number of Paparazzi-on-ladders behind me, this is Kendall Jenner, currently the highest paid model in the world.

“It looks flimsy but it can stop a medium sized broadsword slash….. across the torso. The exposed leg is kind of a tactical weakness I’m still getting the guys in the lab to work on”
- to the excitement of many, including the growing number of Paparazzi-on-ladders behind me, this is Kendall Jenner, currently the highest paid model in the world.

“Oh, wait. That’s MY hand. That’s okay then…”

“Oh, wait. That’s MY hand. That’s okay then…”

So…. at 40 photos in length and a clock time of 0:30am, it’s probably time to call it a night / morning, since I’ve still got another 40 photos to upload - I can promise Uma Thurman, numerous complicated mindgames from Victoria Beckham, a crazy ruffled red dress, Liv Tyler, Vivienne Westwood and even Jenna Coleman.

TO BE CONTINUED (BELOW)

“Yes it is absolutely necessary that I show exactly this much leg, even when posing for selfies and doing autographs. The problem is you don’t understand fashion”

“Yes it is absolutely necessary that I show exactly this much leg, even when posing for selfies and doing autographs. The problem is you don’t understand fashion”

“I rewatched The Hunger Games recently and I’m pretty sure this is how that sign went…”  - Singer Lana Del Rey

“I rewatched The Hunger Games recently and I’m pretty sure this is how that sign went…”
- Singer Lana Del Rey

My camera just invented the floating fiery toupee and I want to trademark it now, in time for AW20. this is Model Erin o'connor, incidentally.

My camera just invented the floating fiery toupee and I want to trademark it now, in time for AW20. this is Model Erin o'connor, incidentally.

“That’s a stick-figure wearing a triangular dress. No, that doesn’t mean you can work in Fashion”  - designer Vivienne Westwood.

“That’s a stick-figure wearing a triangular dress. No, that doesn’t mean you can work in Fashion”
- designer Vivienne Westwood.

“You… don’t need to see my identification?” ”Actually, you won’t believe how much I DO”

“You… don’t need to see my identification?”
”Actually, you won’t believe how much I DO”

Ovah Yah Left Showldah 1 of 2. (I think she wore the look better)

Ovah Yah Left Showldah 1 of 2.
(I think she wore the look better)

Ovah Yah Left Showlda 2 of 2.

Ovah Yah Left Showlda 2 of 2.

Sadly I missed photographing actress Carey Mulligan properly, who despite having an excellent profile, never seemed to turn it in my direction.

Sadly I missed photographing actress Carey Mulligan properly, who despite having an excellent profile, never seemed to turn it in my direction.

It’s Liv Tyler! I once had a Uniqlo t-shirt with a kind of a glossy-black-on-matte-black design. The gloss slowly wore away, sometimes dispensing little bits o’black all over any other shirts in the same washload. True story.

It’s Liv Tyler! I once had a Uniqlo t-shirt with a kind of a glossy-black-on-matte-black design. The gloss slowly wore away, sometimes dispensing little bits o’black all over any other shirts in the same washload. True story.

If any three of my friends looked like this when we went out one evening, I think it’d be a pretty interesting night.

If any three of my friends looked like this when we went out one evening, I think it’d be a pretty interesting night.

Good news for anyone who thinks me not going to the Mary Queen of Scots premiere means I’m not as patriotically Australian as I should be : Australia’s Own Margot Robbie might be there, but Australia’s own Naomi Watts attended the Fashion Awards.

Good news for anyone who thinks me not going to the Mary Queen of Scots premiere means I’m not as patriotically Australian as I should be : Australia’s Own Margot Robbie might be there, but Australia’s own Naomi Watts attended the Fashion Awards.

There’s a tattoo on her left arm. Just sayin’. You notice these things…

There’s a tattoo on her left arm. Just sayin’. You notice these things…

It was kind of hard to recognise Rita Ora without her wearing a costume that needs to be unfolded and assembled before it can safely exit a car with her….

It was kind of hard to recognise Rita Ora without her wearing a costume that needs to be unfolded and assembled before it can safely exit a car with her….

It’s Victoria Beckham! I’ve previously photographed her as a kind of bent over hunchback (my angle, not her fault) at the premiere of the documentary “The Class of 92” many moons ago. She seems…. to be judging me, somewhat. Possibly harshly.

It’s Victoria Beckham! I’ve previously photographed her as a kind of bent over hunchback (my angle, not her fault) at the premiere of the documentary “The Class of 92” many moons ago. She seems…. to be judging me, somewhat. Possibly harshly.

Victoria Beckham continues to assess me, my beanie, and possibly the entirety of my moral and psychological makeup. I’m not sure if I’m winning.

Victoria Beckham continues to assess me, my beanie, and possibly the entirety of my moral and psychological makeup. I’m not sure if I’m winning.

This moment that Victoria Beckham and I continues. It’s been going on for what seems like years, possibly decades. The guy in the background might be the grandson of the original chauffeur who drove her here, I don’t know.

This moment that Victoria Beckham and I continues. It’s been going on for what seems like years, possibly decades. The guy in the background might be the grandson of the original chauffeur who drove her here, I don’t know.

Oceans rise, cities fall, species become extinct, and that moment between Victoria Beckham and I continues. We’re possibly like those two old people in Inception who shared a lifetime while everyone else just spent five seconds looking at their watch / mobile phone.

Oceans rise, cities fall, species become extinct, and that moment between Victoria Beckham and I continues. We’re possibly like those two old people in Inception who shared a lifetime while everyone else just spent five seconds looking at their watch / mobile phone.

It’s David Beckham! If you know him, please don’t tell him about the metaphorical lifetime I spent with Victoria while he walked three or four steps from the car door to where he is now.

It’s David Beckham! If you know him, please don’t tell him about the metaphorical lifetime I spent with Victoria while he walked three or four steps from the car door to where he is now.

“Seriously Babes… what’s that guy going on about?” ”I don’t know….”

“Seriously Babes… what’s that guy going on about?”
”I don’t know….”

Only one or two people can get me out of the recurring past/future timeloop with Victoria Beckham that I might be fated to live in forever…. and the newly arrived Jenna Coleman is one!

Only one or two people can get me out of the recurring past/future timeloop with Victoria Beckham that I might be fated to live in forever…. and the newly arrived Jenna Coleman is one!

“What the hell is a xylene-based marker? Is it even safe to handle one of these things?” ”……” ”well… yeah. But you look like YOU and I look like ME, so you can see why I’d be concerned..”

“What the hell is a xylene-based marker? Is it even safe to handle one of these things?”
”……”
”well… yeah. But you look like YOU and I look like ME, so you can see why I’d be concerned..”

“I’m feeling a bit woozy, if I’m honest. Wasn’t my dress more of a yellow colour before I handled that xylene marker?”

“I’m feeling a bit woozy, if I’m honest. Wasn’t my dress more of a yellow colour before I handled that xylene marker?”

I’ve photographed Elton John’s husband David Furniss considerably more often than I have Sir Elton… but given the stunning silk jackets he wears (which I do not) I feel I do benefit from this.

I’ve photographed Elton John’s husband David Furniss considerably more often than I have Sir Elton… but given the stunning silk jackets he wears (which I do not) I feel I do benefit from this.

I don’t know who this is, but whatever revolution he was in was hard fought and won, I’m sure.

I don’t know who this is, but whatever revolution he was in was hard fought and won, I’m sure.

I think this is Kristin Scott Thomas…. but I’m possibly more impressed that my camera’s sensor made a genuine attempt to capture the colour of her dress.

I think this is Kristin Scott Thomas…. but I’m possibly more impressed that my camera’s sensor made a genuine attempt to capture the colour of her dress.

Not pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

Not pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

Pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

Pictured : the train of Jourdan Dunn’s dress.

The interchangeable franchise of Suki Waterhouse also attended this event : she continues to look different in EVERY photo I take of her. (last photographed :    the Evening Standard Awards   )

The interchangeable franchise of Suki Waterhouse also attended this event : she continues to look different in EVERY photo I take of her. (last photographed : the Evening Standard Awards)

Uma Thurman!! Nice random (?) guest. I almost want her to grab the beret from the security guard because I think it would complete her ensemble… I say that as someone with minimal influence on the world of fashion, though.

Uma Thurman!! Nice random (?) guest. I almost want her to grab the beret from the security guard because I think it would complete her ensemble… I say that as someone with minimal influence on the world of fashion, though.

“I left the katana and the mostly disembodied henchman in the trunk. We’ll drop her off at the nearest hospital after I’ve mingled a bit…”

“I left the katana and the mostly disembodied henchman in the trunk. We’ll drop her off at the nearest hospital after I’ve mingled a bit…”

Salma Hayek (edited to correct :  Penelope Cruz ) considers signing some autographs, but after profiling the kind of people asking for an autograph decides not to. I can’t condemn that.

Salma Hayek (edited to correct : Penelope Cruz) considers signing some autographs, but after profiling the kind of people asking for an autograph decides not to. I can’t condemn that.

Possibly the greatest   brown-dress-with-toothsome-bandolier-and-knuckledusters   that I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen one of them.

Possibly the greatest brown-dress-with-toothsome-bandolier-and-knuckledusters that I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen one of them.

I think it’s safe to say that any comment I write that references the dress being worn here….. is a comment the dress already made just by showing up. But I do like that the guy on the left thinks it’s safer not to look at it directly in case it attacks or envelopes him somehow.

I think it’s safe to say that any comment I write that references the dress being worn here….. is a comment the dress already made just by showing up. But I do like that the guy on the left thinks it’s safer not to look at it directly in case it attacks or envelopes him somehow.

“Your eye doesn’t know where to focus, does it?”  I’d say both of them are focussing on the nearest exit.

“Your eye doesn’t know where to focus, does it?”
I’d say both of them are focussing on the nearest exit.

“It’s attached itself to me and is now attacking my central nervous system. If you need to kill me taking it off… do so”

“It’s attached itself to me and is now attacking my central nervous system. If you need to kill me taking it off… do so”

I have been wearing a jacket with one arm in / one arm out for years now… I’m kind of sad that somebody thought to mass-produce it before I had a chance to.

I have been wearing a jacket with one arm in / one arm out for years now… I’m kind of sad that somebody thought to mass-produce it before I had a chance to.

… and that’s the end of that.

… and that’s the end of that.

So… that’s it for 2018, I suspect. It’s been a decent year (if you call missing the Baftas and not enjoying London Film Festival ‘decent’ you’re obviously as drunk as I am typing this) and perhaps I’ll get to do it again in 2019.

Until next time - catch ya!

Facebook : here
Twitter : here
Archive of Premieres : here